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puppynilly

52 M Highland Park, NJ

My Details

Last Online
Apr 30
Orientation
Bisexual
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 6″ (1.68m)
Body Type
Full figured
Diet
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Religion
Atheism, and laughing about it
Sign
Taurus, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Technology
Income
$100,000–$150,000
Relationship Status
Married
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids
Pets
Likes dogs
Speaks
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly)

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My self-summary
SEEKING TO BEFRIEND A SMART SARCASTIC WOMAN WHO ENGAGES IN CREATIVE VERBAL ROLEPLAY TO ENCOURAGE APPROPRIATE FORMS OF DEVOTION AND SERVITUDE.

I am a submissive crossdresser who has spent many years in this lifestyle, on and off. Once upon a time I went out dressed up frequently and served Mistresses as a personal submissive. Then I got out of the scene completely. After a long break, I've started dressing again more actively and seeking to serve a Mistress in earnest once again. I still barely have my toe in the water but I think it's time I was properly re-immersed.

Recently, I figured out that my desire to be feminine stemmed from an aversion to being pushed to be masculine. Forced feminization as a reaction to forced masculinization. The stereotype of maleness - being athletic, assertive, aggressive - has never applied to me. If anything, I presented myself as a sissy - the sensitive one who got picked on and cried too easily - and I lived this out in private during my adolescence by secretly dressing up.

I felt I had to transcend the way I was perceived in daily life, and in general I succeeded, but I realized I was essentially trying to pass as male, the same way I was trying through crossdressing to pass as female.

I've come to the realization that I cannot hope to really be the girl I've always longed to be. In contrast to those I've known who've been far more deeply committed and involved than me, I am a mere dabbler. (I'm still trying to accept the idea that that's OK… isn't it?)

And while I enjoy the feeling of being all dolled up and putting on those clothes that feel so good to wear, ultimately the effort for me to pass as female and the effort to pass as male are not that different in scope or scale. And each is fraught with just as much frustration, feelings of inadequacy, and fear of being judged on how well I pass.

Having figured this out, I came to another realization: that my real gender is neither male nor female, but neutral, and that my genuine inclination is just to be a woman's submissive puppydog. Curled up at her feet, looking up at her with puppydog eyes, serving, doting on her, fetching, running errands, being her loyal adoring pet.

I must admit, though, that I'm not averse to being encouraged to wear a camisole and panties as my daily underwear to bring out my feminine side more. Or to being reminded that I may not be what most women seek in a male companion, but that's OK.
What I’m doing with my life
I traded in work in the finance industry for a job building tools for teachers and students to improve the quality of grade school education.
I’m really good at
* Doting
* Fetching
* Piano playing
* Making computers do my bidding
The first things people usually notice about me
Puppydog eyes that waver between blue and green.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I could try to impress you by listing all the cool bands and films and books and types of food I'm into, but I won't. I'm sure you're into cool bands and films and books and types of food, too. I really hope our lists don't overlap excessively because I would rather connect with someone whose tastes are similar to but different from mine so that each of us could learn something new from the other. Suffice to say that my tastes qualify as eclectic, eccentric, and exceptional. But just to give some examples, in no particular order…

Eddie Izzard, Zolof the Rock and Roll Destroyer, The Veils, Tim Minchin, Douglas Adams, Doves, thai food, Alfred Hitchcock, Robyn Hitchcock, Miles Davis, Monty Python, Marvin Gaye, Herbie Hancock eel sushi, Garbage, The Beatles, Terry Gilliam, Ridley Scott, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Anton Wilson, Philip K. Dick, Blondie, The Pretenders, old school British spy-fy (like The Prisoner and The Avengers), The Marx Brothers, Stanley Kubrick, Ursula LeGuin, tiramisu
The six things I could never do without
I think I learned in the aftermath of the recent storm that my list is very different from what I thought it was. The absence of electricity, a working local transit system, shelter that isn't underwater, and the shared illusion that we exercise some control over our environment, these are pretty important, no? But beyond real life-and-death necessities… I could never do without iced coffee in the summer, dark hot chocolate in the winter, bittersweet chocolate all year round, and a real computer (like my MacBook) because in a pinch stranded for days away from home, a mere smartphone or a tablet will not do.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
What it would be like to REALLY be a puppydog. Would that be a role that would ultimately be the most comfortable and pleasurable for me? Would being petted on the head and called a "good doggie" be satisfying? Would it be in my best interest for my owner to have me fixed?

Similarly, I think a lot about what it would be like to be involved with a woman who would endeavor to methodically move me closer to acceptance of my girl side and get me to take steps towards deeper more permanent femininity for her.
On a typical Friday night I am
Occasionally out at a movie or concert, but more often than not sitting on the couch watching movies on Netflix with my MacBook on my lap surfing the net.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Deep down, I want to be submissive to a woman who would push me to dress more, to become deeply submissive to her, to work on minimizing my masculinity as much as possible, to accept being denied and cuckolded if it amused her, to be her pet.

At the same time, deep down, I have to acknowledge that I love hearing someone tell me what they want to do to you, or what they want me to do, but not necessarily with the end goal of following through and actually doing those things. I worry a lot that this makes me a fake in terms of my degree of real submissiveness.

Also, deep down, I love orgasms but I hate sex, and wish I didn't have these absurd sexual thoughts and needs. I wish there was a way to push a button, like on Woody Allen's orgasmatron from Sleeper, to achieve instant arousal and climax, reliably and intensely satisfying those needs, and then be done with it all for a while.

Finally, deep down, I'm very shallow.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 32–60
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
You're a progressive thinking woman who likes having someone who's somewhat feminine and submissive (and not necessarily all that stereotypically male) as a friend and companion.

Like many people here, the gender and orientation characteristics I selected are not really accurate because OKCupid doesn't give us enough range of choices. I am not really bisexual (in fact I have a kind of revulsion to masculinity in general, as you've probably figured out if you've read this far) and I'm not "looking for bi girls only". I selected bisexual because I couldn't choose a classification akin to "genderqueer" or "feminine but not really gay", and I chose "bi girls only" because there was no "girls of whatever persuasion and orientation who like feminine guys" label. So if you're a man, you probably shouldn't bother contacting me. But if you're a woman, a transwoman, a feminine crossdresser, or someone uncategorizable who gets where I'm coming from, then please do. I checked ALL the types of people I might be looking for because I just don't know - perhaps a friend, perhaps a penpal, perhaps an activity partner, perhaps all of the above and more. A mentor, a tormentor, a bad influence, the possibilities are myriad.