I did that thing that I do a lot. That thing is forgetting or avoiding the internet b/c I'm overwhelmed by the amount of emails or messages I need to send to people. Sometimes I'm just too busy. But most of the time I get out of the mood to be online. There's a bunch of unnecessary guilt going on and then I avoid it a bunch more.
I don't particularly like all this stuff on the internet. creepy sense of obligation to strangers. and creepy sense of everyone watching every little thing you do. facebook is so awful. I don't know why I have no interest in this stuff usually. I don't read other people's pages more than once. and I don't care about feeds and I wish no one cared about my feeds. I just want to have an easy computer way to connect with my close-ish friends. and look at their pictures and have people look at my pictures. I don't care about groups. I don't care about people I knew in highschool or middleschool or elementary school unless they are here hanging out with me. being on the internet more than 2 hours creeps me out. and makes me feel like I wasted a day lying in bed 'til 3pm.
there's all sorts of ranting that could be had here. but I just wanted to say, I'm not ignoring anyone in particular. nor am I dead. I just don't feel like dealing with all this business.

This is supposed to be about death but I don't have time to write it b/c I'm supposed to be reading Symposium. I was very apprehensive about reading Plato; turns out it's pretty easy and interesting to read compared to most things written around that time. Or even a thousand or two years in the future. I hated Aphra Behn's play. I don't care if its about roving and guys having a fun time. Its a miserable read. Altho I salute her for being the first woman playwright (that we know of.) Reconstruction was a very exciting time for women in theatre and I appreciate the history. But I'd rather read a history book about it than those plays.
But Plato! Way to write something accessible! I kinda wish he would have written more as himself rather than a sort of ghostwriter for Socrates or whatever. Plato was wildly creative but, man, Socrates is obnoxious. Its funny for a while, like, "Oh that Socrates! Always hassling!" But 50 or so pages into it, I wish I could reach into the book and smack him. Can you not be a dick for at least 5 minutes? You can still be a smarty-pants without pissing off or annoying everyone around you. They didn't have the best grounds for executing him. But after reading a few of these books, I can see how he irritated the masses. Hemlock's a little harsh; but its true he was infecting the youth with obnoxiousness.
There are a decent handfull of people I could envision sentencing and executing on the basis of infecting our youth. What's worse about today's infection is that its stupid zombification rather than annoying questioning of everything. So, I'd choose a different poison for them rather than hemlock. Considering being poisoned, hemlock ain't that bad.
I guess there is a little talk of death in this.
I like that to submit/post an entry after editing, they call it "publish." Nice.

So one of my adjectives is "life-y." I can't believe there isn't a real or better word for that. I'm a pretty intense and overwhelming and blazing and energetic person. Not that energetic means upbeat. more like shooting electricity out of all my pores. I attack life with vigor. I wish it was more in an active way. with exercise. I really want to exercise more but I don't. This is why I greaty admire Teddy Roosevelt. He also attacked life with vigor. Anytime he had mental or social strife, he would work through it with intense physical adventure. Like, if he could climb a mountain, he could conquer his fears. He was an amazing strong ambitious person.
The intensity that I get at things is intimidating, I'm told. A boyfriend told me I'm scary like that. and another friend described it as "life-y." I like that one more than the former. But it doesn't mean I'm obsessed with life. or that I'm excited with life. In fact, there are a lot of times I have emotional strife that, I think, comes from my life-iness. It gets overwhelming and too much even for me. Its like the viciousness with which I attack the world suddenly starts eating me. Its kinda like you are drowning. but not in a panic attack way. Its a feeling like I am being electrified or I might spontaneously combust. It probably means I should exercise. and maybe I have it confused for an emotional state. hard to say.

anyway, life-y kinda means full of life and that is always thought of as good. but its not quite like that, as I previously stated. also, I think it implies some problem with death. like afraid of it or something. this myth is important to debunk. I am very comfortable with death. and not afraid of it. I don't WANT to die now. and I'm fairly afraid of the pain that causes me to die. I think most people confuse that with being afraid of death. Well, most people are afraid of death b/c they know life but they are worried about the "afterlife." luckily for me, I'll just be dead. and there is nothing to worry about. I have a lot of anxiety issues. Lots and lots. and THANK SOMETHING, they aren't caught up in death. Those people are messed up. its really debilitating. If I had that too, I wouldn't be functionable.
So anyway, there is a long awesome entry coming up about my feelings towards death. and my preparation for it. (I think people are also afraid b/c they feel unprepared.) But now I feel tired of being on the computer and my back hurts. So some day in the next week I will pick up where I left off.
Death: Why You Shouldn't Be Afriad of What's Coming to You.

so here is another subject/thought/inner dialogue that I've written in my head and have actually remembered and cared enough to write down.
sidenote: man, I'm so going to ramble as much as I want. No one is going to take the time to read this. and that is so awesome. I feel like I'm screaming into a canyon. I can be as loud as I want and no one will care. YESSSS!!!!
anyway, I spend all between time watching people and secretly dissecting who they are based on everything I can glean in that moment of seeing them. Its not like a put aside a part of my day to do this. but if I'm out, I do it automatically. and its almost impossible to pay attention in a coffee shop b/c I people watch. its kinda like judging a book by its cover. There are fashion classes about it: "the psychology of dress." and you might find it creepy how much anyone assumes about you based on how you look at that moment. most people don't think about how much we assess someone based on that split second moment of seeing a person. if anyone thinks about, they say, "yeah, duh, I can tell basic age, sex, vague social status/subculture, blah blah." But I make a special point of knowing all that I'm doing in the split second. and spending time analyzing it and them. the more I do it, the better I am. More and more I can tell so much about someone when I just see them. I'd list it all but I'm lazy right now. and I'd be afraid I left something out.

In tandem with this, I also make objective design analysis of what the person is wearing. I use the elements and principles of design to asses the outfit and then I ask my self, if it is particulary good or bad, why. what makes it so much better than average. what makes it average. how much is based soley on my taste? Can I recognize a properly designed/put together outfit/costume even if it is my least favorite style? and I really try to do that. I try not to have my emotions get involved. This type of process is something we are taught in costuming classes. We create designs for a play, and then critique them based on the appropriateness of the design and its fullfilment of the rules of design. and since I like fashion so much, and I think it is excellent practice, I do it to regular people. b/c what are characters in a play? often a more simplified version of a real person. real people are so much more complex.
My favorites are the people who are so specific about what they are wearing that it is really obvious they are trying to portray something about their place in society or use the clothes like a banner trying to make a personal statement. not, like, 14 year old "goths" clinging desperately to an archetype they don't understand. but those people who either (knowingly or unknowingly) go about their style like its a costume. its so precisely put together. most people that do this fail. because its... too much. trying to be too perfect. surreal. I do it. but I know I'm doing it. and its also an experiment and its hands on practice with everything I learn.
I take great care in how I present myself almost everyday. I have a ridiculously specific style usually influenced by some historical thing I'm researching. right now its the victorian wild west and the 1950s. and when I construct an outfit, I start with the appropriateness of it within the day's events. Where am I going? what am I doing? who will I see? what is the weather? most people do this. but I think about it almost scientifically. then I go to a theme and/or what my mood is. "I want to be 1950's today and I want a reduced pallete." then I make mental notes of how people responded to me. am I more approachable today? Did I get compliments? what kind of person gave them and what did they like? what were the negative reactions? who and why? How much did I like my outfit or how successfully do I think my outfit fulfilled my criterions? and I learn. My costuming grad friend, Trevor, used to do this with me, which is far more helpful. it was like having class out in the field. we would asses eachother and then pick apart other people's outfits we saw. I miss him. He's working at Long Wharf theatre now.

Oh yeah! the other thing I especially like is when someone focuses their style more on something that is trying to get a particular message out to certain people. often this thing is more symbolic and doesn't involve the rules of design. half the time the thing is totally unflattering but the purpose is above that. sometimes its really subtle. like gay guys in the 80's using different colored hankerchieves and placement of the 'chief to mark their sexual preferences and such. There were a score of meanings. Most people have a symbolic aspect to their outfit inregards to their style and their affiliation to certain cultures and interests. But I love being able to see the symbols that are clearly declaring/seeking something that most people don't recognize. I had specific examples when I was thinking about this a few weeks ago but now I don't remember. I'll get new ones.
anyway. I'm tired now. I'm going to list a few topics that I might write about later, so I remember. medications/mental illness (cliche!!!! ha), halloween, my cat, religion (b/c I'm trying to clearly hash out my veiws so I can tell my mom I'm an aethist, writing it down helps), maybe that colonial dream, complaints or musings about okcupid, things I hate about people, things I hate, small pleasures, maria bamford, ummm.. general rants.
i'm done

I never thought it would be worth my time to write in this journal thing. I rarely blog on myspace. and hell if I'm ever going to deal with facebook more than just pictures and the occasional message. but I've been very rambly lately. these phases just happen and I think I have every right to humor my compulsions when they are like this. I'll probably do this for a month and then stop, maybe forever. that's how I roll. Usually I think about entries that I'd like to put somewhere. but not on myspace b/c I'd rather just tell a friend and not be worried that everyone I am vaguely accquainted with will judge my spelling, grammer, word variety, funniness, useless thoughts, complaining, and patheticness. but after much thought, I realized I don't know or will probably never know most people on here. so I can keep a "journal" just for myself. and anyone who reads it probably won't say anything, and if they do I can write off any negatives easier. also, I realized I was saying far too many random essays that had little to do with my profile. so, in an effort to not junk up my profile anymore, I will do this thing.
this formal introduction said, I'll get to the meat of my journal entry. So this is a "dating site" not a "I'm friends with you and I want another way to keep in contact with you site" and it infers a whole lot of talk about sexuality that normally wouldn't be so frequently discussed. I had that I was bi on here for a while. and that got old. I wasn't really cruising for girls, no girls ever messaged me, and usually it only got me a bunch of smarmy IMs. But I am bi to a degree. For a dating site they ought to have more of a variety of choices for sexuality. and probably gender. I like the occasional girl. Any REAL crush I've gotten on a girl was on a straight girl. I've made out with a bunch. but they were mostly drunk and straight. and the sex almost always involved a guy. So I had kinda given up really caring about biness. If something good enough came, I'd take it. but until then, I won't really think about, as its not that big apart of personality. But recently I found a girl that I had a crush on AND she was bi AND she liked me. practically one in a million chance. so, since we both think very much alike, we talked. and monogamy isn't really our thing. neither is the obligation of dating and guilt. especially right now. so its everything I want in a relationship. and by relationship I mean just a step above friends with benefits. We really need a better name for that. like sexuality, relationships are a beautiful rainbow (I wish you could hear my tone of voice, its mostly sarcastic and mocking so all of this looks formal but if I was saying it, you wouldn't think it was so pretentious. you lose, I guess). And more often than not, my relationships never fit into any kind of normal category. I'm terrible at dating. just atrocious. I don't like onenight stands either. its long and complicated. I hate the term "lover." Love, for me, is more associated in close close friends, and dating. and love is a vague term anyway. and you know if someone uses the term "lover" they are some kind of hippie-freelove-everyone is good deep inside grossout.
anyway, I think I'm off subject. well, this site is about dating, whih involves some sort of sex or relationship that usually involves looking for love/sex, which entails some thought on one's sexuality. and I thought I should set the record straight.
dude, terrible puns are so great. especially one that I've used over and over and over.
and I'm done.