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43 Oakland, CA Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 33-45
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Online now!
Relationship Type
Mostly monogamous
5' 8" (1.73m)
Body Type
Buddhism and laughing about it
Has kid(s) and doesn’t want more
English (Fluently), French (Somewhat), Spanish (Somewhat)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
So, I went to the Grand Canyon. My buddy was like, "Dude, you'll be fine," and I was thinking, "Yeah, totally," because in my mind I'm still 25 when I couldn't be stopped or injured and could quickly master any physical challenge.

5 days and 40 miles, the first day of which was down, down, down and only down. Try the top of stadium steps that are 1 mile above the field. Now put on 60+ pounds of pack (because there is no water on the way down), and get to the field alive and before dark. Oh, and along the way there are extended lengths of trail where falling over literally means death.

That was the hardest f*cking thing I have ever done, and I tell you truly, I was scared.

While I do something like this (well, not always as dangerous) once a year or so, it speaks to a sense of adventure that is a part of me, though one that I have at times lost touch with - don't want to paint a picture of me as Mr. Constant Adventure. I do want to paint a picture of someone who likes to do stuff - seeking out live music, heading into the mountains, hunting and gathering and getting lost.

This summary is no place to dive into the bigger things that have meaning for me, but... I believe in honesty and openness and I value vulnerability. Connection is what makes us human, and without it we are dead. I alone am responsible for my happiness. Great experiences and rich relationships are bonus. I've been down the hard, hard path of learning to love and how unhealthy attachment ruins things. I know what my values are and consciously work to stay in integrity with them.

If what you read here is interesting or, even better, exciting, do reach out. I'm not keen on much online communication. Face to face is where it's at, and first dates for me are all about talking - a beer, a coffee, a walk, a park bench, a swing set... Let's go!
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm kept pretty busy with two young children, and while they do not live with me I see them almost every day. My co-parent and I rock it, and you should just know right now that she's an important and permanent (for the next 10+ years at least) part of my life.

After 15 years of software development, a career I was OK at but never loved, I am at last engaged in something that Really Matters to me: working with children in mental health. The agency I work for serves very high-need children, often with severe and terrifying histories of trauma, in public schools. I love what I do in a way that I didn't understand was possible, and it's not some altruistic Miss America, "I'm going to work for world peace," bullshit. I can't save the world. I may or may not even manage to "save" one kid. I can honor the life I've been given by doing what it appears I'm meant to do here. No one is more surprised to find me here than me.

I play guitar and piano and cook and exercise nearly every day to keep sane.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
listening. I hear many women say that they'd like a man who can shut up and listen, someone who can just do that without trying to solve a "problem". Be real. Be brave. I'll do the same.

being in the kitchen. I'm no genius chef, but I know my way around and like cooking with a partner. I have pretty good knife skills.

almost anything physical. Snowboarding is my favorite thing, and I am really good at it. It's not like I was pro or anything, but I love it and am super confident in my abilities. In general, I am good at and enjoy anything physical: road biking, mountain biking, yoga, backpacking, climbing, soccer, running, and so on.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
"My god man, where is your hipster moustache?"

"Damnn!!! Those jeans look good on you!"

Actually, I really have no idea and don't much care.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Music: I have fairly eclectic taste. I don't generally like rap, hip-hop, country, angry music. For example: Flaming Lips, Fredrik, Muse, Gomez, Regina Spektor, Tori Amos, Fiona Apple, Train, Styx, JC Superstar, Dave Matthews, Kinky, Joe Strummer, ABBA, Pink Martini, Bill Frisell, Kenny Burrell, Joe Pass, Django Reinhardt, Brahms, Basement Jaxx, Bruce Springsteen, Elton John.

Movies: I'm pretty critical, though I am able to just go see a movie and enjoy the experience. I do like "artsy" stuff and happily go to those types of movies. Subtitles are ok ;-).

Books: I like to read, but it turns out that my reading happens at bedtime. I usually fall asleep very quickly and drop the book on my face. Ha! You laugh, but it's funnier in real life. My favorite book is East of Eden. That one leaves a bruise.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Six - whatever...
My kids
Close friends
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
how to help the kids I work with succeed.

socioeconomic inequality. I've heard it said the poverty is the biggest social problem in America, but I think that economic disparity is the real poison here.

how to be Ryan and to really do, with courage and an open heart, what I'm best suited to do with my time here.

how restorative practices in schools may be a key piece in the long road to healing.

the very deep underlying reasons that african american boys are outrageously overrepresented in school office referral and suspension statistics.

love and happiness and how very different the world looks with a different understanding of those two things.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
with my kids, picking up pizza or sushi and going home to either watch a movie or play a game.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
- you want to go snowboarding! I have a season pass to Kirkwood and would love driving buddies and shared lodging costs (for god's sake no creepiness here, ok?).
- you're willing to meet in person - coffee/tea or a drink to start. I am totally not interested in online conversations that go beyond basic screening nor am I interested in a long distance relationship.
- you're moved by Brené Brown's work and want to talk about it
- hiking, backpacking, surfing, mt. biking or do a Muddy Buddy, etc.
- go wine tasting in Sonoma and you can dig camping rather than a hotel.
- you value connection and agree with me, though perhaps in less dramatic terms, that without it we are the walking dead.
- you are responsible for your happiness and expect me to be for mine.
- you are interested in loving me for who I am, not for what I do or what I can buy or where I work or the number of stamps in my passport.
- you are willing to let yourself be seen and loved for who you are not for what you do or what you can buy or where you work or the number of stamps in your passport.
- you understand the previous two things or else are curious enough to ask.