I definitely use okcupid less now.

I used to post here. But, who reads this? okcupid is definitely not the best place to write. There's not much community here. At least, that has been my experience.

If you would like to read my writings, check out my philosophical blog, my tech blog, or my twitter.

I've also moved on because I gave okcupid a chance and nothing really came from that. Obviously, I haven't completely given up on okcupid, but I will not put much time into this service anymore.

So, I've been thinking a lot. A lot a lot. I've scrutinized my philosophy on life a whole lot the past few days. I've been depressed and when that happens I think a whole lot to figure out why and what I can do about it.

I've asked myself many questions and thought many thoughts. My philosophy hasn't really changed, just become more clear. But, that has definitely changed my actions. My goals, aspirations, and wants have changed a bit.

The biggest insight is that I really want love rather than sex. I've indulged my lust enough I guess. Honestly, I've just been thinking about happiness and true happiness. That sprouted from my thoughts about life and whether or not its meaningless. Its meaningless, but we're supposed to create meaning. Happiness gets us through the days, but true happiness make us truly happy! I've been thinking and thinking and I get an obvious answer. The key to my true happiness is love and companionship.

Apparently, I need affection and companionship. I've always needed that and I've always known. It's just much more obvious and I'm being honest to myself about that.

I've gained some clarity. Now, I'm making it come into fruition I guess...

The cost of living
rose. And, it was too high.
The seeds of revolution
sprouted. Many did die.

A new status quo for the land.
Fast and bloody, such was the demand.

New costs soon
shown. Change came too quick.
Past transgressions again
appear. Society's mind stays sick.

A new status quo for the land.
Fast and bloody, such was the demand.

As much as I hate to say it, I'm sort of goal-oriented.

Hold on while I gag.

Ok. Yea. I think I'll make it...

I like having goals in my life because they give me a good focus. The two biggest things in my life right now are these websites I'm developing. There's sort of a third smaller goal hiding within each of them.

At the core of each website is a library of code I've made for myself to make website creation easier. This develops and gets better as I learn more. One of these days, I'm gonna work on releasing this to the world with documentation and demos.

Before that though, I want to get my two websites released. The one I'm working hard on right now is an online text-based multiplayer game. Its gonna be complicated. There's a heavy drug dealer vs investigator aspect within it, but thats just the grand theme.

The other site I'm working on is a service for non-profit organizations. It aims to be a connection between NPOs and donors. It'll give more power to the NPOs when it comes to the donor-recipient relationship. I want to do the game first that way I can make this site with the best possible coding and ease. Its already pretty far developed, but I want to revamp the code with all this new shit I've learned.

There is a new up and coming goal though. I want to start a non-profit organization that does three things: teaches, creates, and presents. This idea is a little weird to explain. But, remember that time you wanted a job and you couldn't get it because you didn't have enough experience? Maybe, you didn't have a well-developed portfolio. This NPO wants to cure that.

Right now we only have people to do music, art, and web dev, but we want to expand to other areas. We'll provide a place to learn what you need. We'll provide a place for you to do what you want. And, we'll provide a place for you to show it off. We're just starting up but those are our goals. Our most ultimate goal would be to create a place that's almost an alternative to college. A place where you can get experience that matters to your life goals.

These are my dreams, but will they be realized? I need motivation like a motherfucker. Sometimes I feel like the only one who's truly invested(that's literally true with the first two projects). I need someone to set deadlines for me. I need reasons other than my own.

Another obstacle to reaching these goals is college and work. Yea I have to do all that shit before I start doing my own thing apparently. Fucking bullshit. Let me do my own goddamn work already! Isn't college there for us to get educated so we can do great things? Well, I have the education to do some great things already. Society, stop killing my ambition!

Dear life and all things in it,

Point me in the right direction. Clearly, I'm blinded to some insights.

Yours truly,

Ralph

Things have moved forward, but are still very much the same.

Different pile, same shit.

I have been performing a little experiment. I am being honest without thinking of the consequences. I used to choose what I'd say to whom wisely. It was a good way of not stepping on any toes. It was also a good way of losing myself.

Are we not what we say and do? If so, then I have not been who I thought I was. That has changed. If I think something needs to be said, I say it.

The results are varying.

I haven't been the happiest person under the sun. But, something happened that made me smile again if only for a brief amount of time.

An old flame texted me. It was rather unexpected.

You see. This girl and I have had some sort of chemistry ever since I was her partner in a mutual friend's sweet sixteen. I liked her at the time. She was beautiful and had an interesting personality. The night of the sweet sixteen we slept together. That isn't code for anything; we literally slept together. I enjoyed that a lot. I like getting close and intimate with people.

But, that was the end of that for a while. She had give me her number. I called her and she never returned my calls. I moved on sorta. I moved on in the sense that I emotionally detached myself from her. But, I still enjoyed the memories of her. And, I enjoyed the memories of what I though could've been something good.

Fast forward to last winter. I'm at the very same mutual friend's birthday party. I bump into that girl who was my partner. Later that night, we were hanging out and started talking about the past. She told me she had asked our friend about me throughout the years. Of course, I liked that. So, we hung out a lot and got really close. When I say we hung out a lot, I mean a lot. I saw her almost everyday after that I think.

Create a cheesy montage of happy little moments in your head.

Eventually, I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me. It was all very lovely. But, I was in college somewhere else and I had to leave her. We weren't a couple because we both believe long-distance relationships are nearly impossible and stupid, but we called each other every night for a couple of weeks. Then, as before, she stopped answering and returning my calls.

I moved on yet again. But, I was more hurt than before. We went from something to nothing. I have no idea what her reasons were. Maybe she had important reasons. Maybe she was just fucking with me. I don't know. But, I'm skeptical of her. I still have the capacity to love her. I loved her for certain reasons and those reasons still hold true today. It's just that I know I can't trust her anymore. As much as I'd like to give in and just experience this love or "love", I'd probably just be setting myself up for disappointment.

But yea, she texted me on Monday. I told her I was in town and she asked to see me. So, we went to Denny's that night. It was nice and weird at the same time. I did enjoy seeing her. We had a good conversation, but it was weird to pick up as though nothing has happened. Clearly, something had happened.

That bothered me. So a day later, I texted her and asked if we could talk about us. She said sure. Today, I asked when. No answer. I asked if now--quite literally--was good. No answer. We're back to that shit again.

So, I went from happy that I once again saw a girl I had loved to depressed that nothing had changed.

I could make excuses for her. I could say maybe her phone's broken. Maybe she's busy. I could cut her some slack.

But, when is it time for me to cut myself some slack? I don't want to run into another painful scenario.

That's tonight's tirade. There's a little lesson of honesty in that story. If I hadn't asked to talk, I'd probably being seeing her right now. Maybe she'd be in my arms. Maybe my heart would be pumping with excitement and happiness as I looked into her eyes. I don't know.

I do know that just because you're honest and willing to talk doesn't mean everyone is. Honesty doesn't mean shit to some people. Honesty doesn't always bring happiness. Sometimes honesty is as good as deceit. Sometimes you're life would be happier without honesty.

Even with those truths, I choose the pain of honesty. I don't want to live a happy lie.

That party was good for many reasons.

First of all, it did raise my spirits! I was drinking, smoking, and dancing. I got to dance with two beautiful girls at once. And, I got to dance with one beautiful girl for pretty much the whole night. So what if they were my friends! They're still beautiful. :P

And, I think I have come to terms with this whole college situation. Like, I knows its happening. I know its real. But, now I've finally accepted and I'm ready to be swept up by what that change will bring.

For now, I'll nurse this tiny hangover with a Sprite & OJ concoction.

Happy 4th of July!

Hanging 'round
downtown by myself,
and I had so much time
to sit and think about myself,
And then there she was...

So, I'm going to a party. This seems like a good way to calm my nerves. Its gonna be a long drive, but hell I enjoy a long night drive with good music. I'll probably listen to punk music because I need something rough to jar myself from this cathartic stupor.

I'ma put on a nice shirt and make myself feel down right purty.

I'll see old friends. Possibly make new ones. And, I'll drink with them all.

I understand that drinking isn't probably the best solution. But, fuck it. I need to get out.

...like double cherry pie;
yeah, there she was...
like disco superfly.
I smell sex and candy here.
Who's that loungin' in my chair?
Who's that castin' devious stares in my direction?
Mama, this surely is a dream, yeah.
Yeah, mama, this surely is a dream, dig it.

So yea...

I'm totally letting the situation progress. I'll probably end up going to UTEP. Possibly skipping this semester and just work.

I'm going to change my major though. Most definitely! I'm gonna be truer to myself. I'm gonna stop living up to society's expectations. I'm going to change from Information Technology to Philosophy. I'll minor in something else that interests me probably.

I'm taking that dive. All this has been inevitable. I've just been pushing it off. I've been afraid to cast the shackles off and leap into the unknown.

But, I'm taking that leap of faith. I'll come out happy even though I'm not living the "normal" way.

I'm still scared as hell though.

I have to tell my roommate and all my college friends I'm leaving. I have to get my shit from Troy, NY and bring it back here.

A thought just occured to me. How about I fucking drive up there? That'd be wicked fun and trying. Goddamn, I don't know if my ol' truck can make it! We'll see. We'll see.

But, yea. My life's in a strange place right now. It's interesting, beautiful, and frightening.

What do you think? Am I  batshit insane or is it about time?

And, I need a way to relax. I'm having trouble sleeping with all these thoughts. Plus, I've got this wicked backache, neckache, headache combo that just sucks. I think its stress...

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude! Care to help me out?

I was supposed to be in New Brunswick, New Jersey.

I was supposed to be an IT intern for Johnson & Johnson.

I was supposed to be paid 20 dollars an hour.

I was supposed to be a successful businessman or lawyer.

But, I don't want to be that. I was told thats where I was headed. I had a good head on my shoulders and I'd be successful.

Fuck that. Fuck "success".

Society's version of success is not for me. So, I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. How can I be myself in this society? Its hard enough being vegetarian, but disconnecting from this economic system will be nigh impossible.

Now its looking hard to even go back to school in Troy, NY. I just got the bill today. There's no way I'm taking out more loans. And, there's especially no way I'm letting my father take out more loans.

I don't want to be forced to take a corporate job to start living the way I want to live fast enough.

That bill was a kick in the ass today. Last night I had trouble sleeping because I was thinking about loans and my future. That bill dropped a motherfuckin' bomb.

So, maybe UTEP from now on. Maybe a break from college and just work a lame ass job so I can slowly pay off the loans and do my own thing.

How the hell am I gonna tell my friends back there?

As to why this happened, only I know. I will keep this secret and let this continue. Honestly, this is what I want, but its devastating because I want my dad to know this is what I want. I want society to know.

I never wanted to be a businessman or lawyer.

I don't want money.

I don't want to work for a corporation.

I don't want to be away from home.

Home. Where ever that is.