Going back to Berlin after the summer festival! At the summerfestival a week of fine soldiers from all over the planet (hopefully some fine specimen from Canada and Norway) and then back to one of my (if not the) favourite city: Berlin! And during my trip to Berlin, I will probably go to Prague for a couple of days, another city I've never seen.....looking forward to it.

Ooh, wasn't I supposed to graduate this year? Oops.........

Being Dutch is now, tonight, more than ever inhibiting my health or mental health. I have a bit of beer left to finish even though I long wanted to go to bed. However, being cheap, or thrifty, is keeping me from tossing it and leaving. I MUST finish the beer, or it will be a waste of money, and unlike my braincells, that WOULD be a shame, according to Dutch standards........

When it comes to music, I have a new addictive song. Intro/You should be stronger by Amy Winehouse. Wow, does this song, in a lovely musical way, bring back bad memories of an ex!
Except for the 7 years longer part, and the fact that I actually did meet his mother, it so describes a relationship I was once in for 9 months. Let me quote some, erm all, of the lyrics:

"You should be stronger than me
You been here 7 years longer than me
Don't you know you supposed to be the man,
Not pal in comparison to who you think I am,

You always wanna talk it through - I don't care!
I always have to comfort you when I'm there
But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!

Cos' I've forgotten all of young love's joy,
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy,

You should be stronger than me,
But instead you're longer than frozen turkey,
Why'd you always put me in control?
All I need is for my man to live up to his role,
Always wanna talk it through- I'm ok,
Always have to comfort you every day,
But that's what I need you to do - are you gay?

I've forgotten all of young love's joy
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy

He said 'the respect I made you earn -
Thought you had so many lessons to learn'
I said 'You don't know what love is - get a grip!' -
Sounds as if you're reading from some other tired script

I'm not gonna meet your mother anytime
I just wanna rip your body over mine
So tell me why you think that's a crime

I've forgotten all of young love's joy
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy"



It basically reflects the relationship I had with that guy. He couldn't do anything himself, needed me for everything, the reason it lasted 9 months was because I was afraid for 6 months that he'd top himself if I dumped him.
I am not really one to kiss (or shag) and tell, so I will not give you his name.

I must have heard the song a million times before. There are so many songs that in the past (almost) 25 years have touched me to the core, but I can't remember feeling lyrics like I do this moment.
*Sail away with me honey, put my heart in your hand, sail away with me honey now, now, now. Sail away with me, what will be will be, I wanna hold you now.*
David Grays voice has gotten me in a very nostalgic state of mind, or maybe heart? I feel tears coming up in my eyes and the need to play this song at least 30 times more, only wish I had someone to feel to with these beautiful words. Sometimes I get pried open from my bitchy shell and feel how I long to have that special person, if only to appreciate Davids words the way they should.

Christmas is over, at least for me. Thank the pagan gods. Whichever Christian decided that they had to build an entire week (or commercially 3 months) around the pagan festival of Yule, thank you for making all the people who are (forced to) celibrate it feel like stuffed turkeys!
It al started with an audition for the Dutch version of *who's line is it anyway* where I had to go to a village two hours by train and bus from where I live, where I was expected to be at 8am. Waking up on a friday at 4:15am is not my idea of a brilliant start to any weekend or anything else, but I did manage to get through the first round. Yay me! There were 7000 applicants, and 110 who got through. I guess there is some humour stashed away on the inside.
Unfortunately, I had to come back on saturday at the same time, blimey, as if I wasn't sleep deprived enough from the previous night! But off you go. As my profile states I want to do a lot of things, and one thing that has recently gotten in my mind is to do something in comedy, Dutch cabaret, theatre, so yeah, this might've been THE thing for me. Other than that, I would love to give up the job I have right now because going bonkers there is an understatement to what it is doing to me.
So, spent all this money to get there (in the weekends I cannot travel for free...) and during my next audition, I was accompanied by people who inspired me in no way whatsoever, it was safe to say I absolutely sucked in that round, and it was more than just that they told me I didn't pass. I wished I had done better, but I definitely did NOT have my moment that day, and basically, you need to have your moment.
Ah well, I made it through the first round, and for me that is a green light to think more about persuing a career, or at least a serious hobby/interest, in (Dutch) comedy. And yes, we do have comedy and a very good sense of humour in the Netherlands, our sit-coms just always,and absolutely suck.
On my way back I decided (already did earlier that day) to make a stop in Utrecht. One of the lovely cities our little country has. My brother lives there, it is on the way by train, and they had the *glass house* there, as they did for the thrid year in a row. This is where *serious request* takes place. Three radio dj's take 4 hour shifts taking people's request for money, which they donate to charity. They stay in the house for 6 days, and don't eat. Only drink coke, coffee/tea and water, and an occasional fruit or veggie smoothie. I just really wanted to get to the glass hosue and donate some for charity, of course they'd allow me one song (for those who are interested, my request was Over&Over by Hot Chip ).
My brother and I donated money, got him a receiver/amplifier before that, I went into the aboriginal museum to get some information for my thesis, we went back to his place and hooked up the receiver, ate some, and then went to my place in Nijmegen to pick up my girls (ie rats, aka the bugs) and pack my stuff to go to our parents place. I live at a 7 minute walk from the station, but it was so cold my brother and I took a cab. Very decadent, we better had taken a cab driving us around in circles when we had to wait 20 minutes at the station where had to switch trains....and now christmas still had to start! We got to our parents at around 10pm (mind you, I was up for 16 hours already that day) and had dinnr, and then we went out.....I was absolutely knackered but refused to let my victory of friday, succeeded by defeat on saturday, go by unnoticed.
But I went to bed at 2.....a broken woman. And then it was sunday and then there was christmas eve! After being stuffed with food (mum in tears because a dish she had planned and bought didn't contain rabbit meat at all), I had to go to a christmas drink with (some of them) so called friends. It was ok, basically becaue I got close to pissed without spending more than 2 euros (I tipped one's drink and bought a new one), after being stuffed christmas morning with christmas breakfasst, shortly after followed by christmas dinner, I had a christmas birthday party at my friend's father.
Second christmas day, as we Dutch call it, Boxing day for the Brits, I stayed in and didn't drink...that much. We finished the entire trilogy of Lord of the Rings, the extended versions that I brought from my place to parents, that we'd been watching for three days already, and then I just sat, doing nothing but watch tv, drink bubbly sweet white wine coke and water and sit, because, on dec 27th I was to attend to a party with free drinks, from my brother's friend who is so gay and so friendly (read lonely) that he throws all expences paid parties in a pub. They're infamous...and no one can get more drunk than the combined forces of my brother's field hockey team, and they're fun! Shared many a drink with them so far, and of course, I got close to hammered again.
And now, two days later, it's friday night, and I am going out again. I have yet to figure out what to do new year's eve, but I will have drinks tonight, not sure how many, because I still have the entire week of christmas to get out of my system.
Did I mention that prior to the auditions, I only had two days off from constantly reading for an oral exam ancient history and middle ages that I had to read 600 pages for? Ok......thanks ;)

It's been a ridiculous long time since I posted a comment on my journal here, but the thing is, I am out of ideas at the moment. I could go on and on about my job, but the interesting things that happen there can be summarized in merely one line. I did however, when working as a toilet lady (yes, cleaning toilet, accepting petty cash, but at the end of the day the petty cash intotal is far from petty) I wrote something about Dutch fashion, or the lack of it. It is quite long though, so whether it is suited to post it on here, I wonder.
I could also write about the thing that has been plaguing me lately, which is my new lack of nice clothes, tops mostly, and I feel the need for new jeans coming on as well, but who wants to read about yet another girl talking about her clothes? Can I be that shallow to waste precious server space on that? I think not.
Also I quit drinking and eating foods that contain (massive) amounts of sugar and/or fructose-glucose syrup, and sweet white wine, this to not to resemble a manatee within a few years, but since I seem to have replaced that with beer and Martini lately, I may have misplaced my priorities in some way, or does my body crave these fattening substances? And even though I cut quite a lot of sweet munchies from my diet, I replaced it with eating more brie and camambert. Let's just say I like good tasting food and drinks, I should just work out more. And there you go, another girl complaining about her diet!
I could also write about my recent attempts to be a more decent girl and not put out as easily, kissing on the first date is ok, and each date should go slightly further, but I couldn't stop myself from having sex on the second date......so there go my principles, again.
I have finally been working on school again, if all geos well and I can get my head together soon, I should graduate in a couple of months, that is a positive thing right??? That is, once I get my act cleaned up...
I was also planning on writing more in my journal, but other than this recap on meaningless things (to others) I can't seem to get very far.

I thought I knew men. It was always simple, they either want sex, or they don't. Sometimes you have male friends who are just that (like I have plenty). That already complicates matters.
Where am I heading with this? Patience is a virtue, after some rambling I will get to it.
I know a guy from a small trip last winter. He seemed nice and cute in a way, but because of my (ongoing) obsession with another guy, I didn't pay him that much attention.
Lately I've been seeing more of him when going out, a friedn said he must like me since he normally wasn't like that around girls, and he no longer was just an acquintance in my contact list, so we started talking.
Maybe because of his perverted mind, maybe because of my lack of sexual inhibitions, soon the topic of sex came up, and he admitted to having fantasized about me. No need to elaborate much further, but we shared a fantasy on internet, and though not full blown, it became sort of cybersex. Two days later, the same happened.
I was nervous about seeing him the next weekend in the pub, not knowing how he'd react. Secretly I was hoping to continue where we left off, and that's when it happened. Absolutely nothing! We briefly discussed it, but that was it. No looks, no touch, nothing indicating anything ever happened on or offline.
I didn't talk to him about that, but the sexually loaded conversations continued. Yet every friday, nothing! I was flabbergasted. Does he or does he not want me? Even if it just for sex, there was an oppurtunity standing right in front of you! Hello!
I decided to shift my interest to someone else, at least, when the oppurtunity came along.
There's a guy in my brother's field hockey team that became someone I could have a good time with as well (purely platonical). I'd see him after training at my parents place, or during/after a match when I went to see matches. Because of a misconception of his mother we joked about being girlfriend boyfriend all the time.
I got to see him more and more as he also frequented the pub I went to if I was in my hometown on weekends, the same pub where the non action of before took place.
Last weekend I was in charge of collecting cash for, and keeping tidy the public toilets during my hometowns jazz festival. I do this gladly, because it makes me a lot of money for just sitting around enjoying music. Normally this is my brother's job, but he had other obligations. My brother's teammate joined my brother there for a few hours on previous occasions, just to aspt some time, and he decided to do the same whilst I sat there. And so he did. On friday we had gone out together, later accompanied by someone else from the hockeyclub, it was ok. But almost the entire saturday, he sat with me guarding people's natural urges being met in a tidy place. He got me drinks, some food, brought over other stuff and was just there for fun. He had the night prior sent me a message with a slimy line about sleeping with angels, it was a joke though, and he invited me to an after toilet party at his place saturdaynight. So saturday, after the last people *went* I cleaned up, brushed up, and we went out, later on went to his place, where we sat for hours. Listened to music, talked about several things, looked at his bog book of pictures. And again, nothing!!!
Totally astonished by again such lack in action, I thought he'd not be back, but on sunday he was back to spend time with me again! During ym break, he even came back to my parents place and ate here. It almost felt like being in a very long relationship, including the lack of affection. When my brother got home, I ofcourse had no more means to explore the situation any further, since they went off to do manly things and watch manly things, he however (the team mate) did buy me ice cream.
I am completely lost when it comes to men now. I always thought I knew quite a bit about them. In my circle of female friends, usually I am the orcale when they need advice about them. They know I know men, and how they think, and thusfar, my advice has always been good and well appreciated, but now I am lost. Am I completely blind when it comes to getting signals? I thought these two examples showed at least some (sexual) romantic interest from the male specimen portrayed, but I must have been completely blindsighted. Do they or don't they like me? Am I the one who is seeing things, or are they ones not seeing my signs?

Isn't it interesting that the same things that enable your lifestyle, are the ones that make it impossible as well?
When I was 15, I was the singer in a band, in order to pay for the rehearsal room I had to to find a job. I started working in a Chinese restaurant, sundaynights, the night we had rehearsal...
Now I feel that I am in somewhat a same position. I have a job on the side of my studies. A job I've had for almost three years now. I work at a home care foundation. People who go to (elderly) peoples homes to take care of them hand in forms that say what client they visited, what they did, how long they did it for, and sometimes at what time (yes, in the Netherlands you get payed more for working after a specific time).
What do they do with those forms? They hand them to me, and I enter the data into the system. Thrilling is definately not in the list of adverbs I can give my job.
One of my colleagues is really annoying. I got hired and was told it didn't matter what time I arrived, as long as I was there for the hours I was supposed to (that week). He insists that I arrive before 9, even though he is always late.
After having worked at this specific location since august, I am getting so sick of it. The mere prospect of me having to work makes me sick. I have to get up early (by my standards) to work for 6 hours and be a wreck the rest of the day. But I need my job! I have a students loan, but that barely covers rent and food, let alone having somewhat of a social or enjoyable life. Thing is, because I get so tired and have to get up early, I cannot do all the things I want to, like have a social life and go out, watch a movie, dance, enjoy the fact that I am a student.
I surely hope to find a nicer job soon so I can quit this situation. I don't reap the benefits of my job because the cost (my general emotional well being) is higher. But until I find something else, the only way to sustain an enjoyable life, that I cannot have, is by these means.

When I was younger, I wanted to be all kinds of things. First carreers on my mind where: soldier, firewoman, and policewoman. Later I got a little more sofisticated, I wanted to be a hostess, a translater, a pathologist. I wanted to be a singer, an actress, and a writer. Later on, when I was preparing for the academy of fine arts, I wanted to be a photographer or struggling artist. I did start studying at the academy of fine arts, only to be completely overrun by my teachers leaving me numb. Then I wanted to be a journalist, teacher, archeologist. Not necessarily in that order.

I am now studying to become a history teacher. I started at the professional university with the intent of going to theoretical university after a year. I am still at the professional university. I really enjoy teaching history, and my last internship at a school has been found at least satisfactory (it was definately not my best work there). I love working with kids, but it gets to me. And now I am in the final stage of my studies, I wonder if this is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I have a severe interest in everything that is not close to home, and I want to travel desperately. Around the globe, see other cultures, get away from my native country, and my countrymen. Journalism sometimes seems like it would've been a better choice of studies for me. Provided I would be good enough to work internationally. Maybe a travelshow on tv might be better?
I have always written lyrics, poems, short stories, tried writing a book more than once, never getting past the first page or two. But since I felt the arts creeping up to me again in the past few months, I feel the need to vent my thoughts and try to amuse people by what I write. Maybe a publisher will find my work and like it? Wishfull thinking I guess, but it is the reason why I post to my journal here. To vent, to write, to do something artistic, even though it is with words.
The underlying message here, if you like my writing, compliments are more than welcome.

To Miguel who always makes me smile, Maciek who's almost innocent sweetness is endearing, Sara who helped my Spanish and laughing skills, Anlaug who's been a rock and a true friend I came to love, Christine who's been so sweet and comforting, Roberto: a soft emotional pillow and an unexpected friend, Sanni whom I cam to know much too late, Jelmer for turning out to be the sweet guy I thought he was, Am�lie for showing that French people can be nice and sweet and warm, Rafal: at least someone nice to look at and humourous, Trine for being hilarious and sweet, Dorthe who made me smile more than once, An for being the exaggerated me but secretly sweet, Fatos for being such a cutie, Fatma for being sweet and maternal, Halime for being a brave ratbearing small fortuneteller whom I'll miss a lot, and last but not least, Liesanne for being sweet and funny and a friend to be.