I used to think that guys who place ads on the Internet are hunchbacked midgets who haven't had a date since Michael Jackson was actually black! But a lot of my friends have met some great people this way, so I thought I would give it a shot.

OK, so here are the Cliff Notes to my autobiography. If you're a "Friends" fan, you might say I have the sense of humor of Chandler mixed with the nerdy err... intellectual side of Ross. Then again, I also crave most meat products like Joey.

I grew up in Bethesda, but I bought a house in Tysons a little while ago. I may be getting old, but I make sure I take plenty of Centrum Silver before I go dancing so that nothing goes wrong with my hip. I finished my master's at George Washington, and I work in defense. I also have my own business on the side, teach adult classes at night, and worked on the presidential campaign. I even have baseball season tickets.

I also have to confess an obsession with politics, chocolate, "Family Guy," The Daily Show/Colbert Report, "Saved by the Bell" reruns, Adam Sandler movies (well, everything before Little Nicky and after Click) and all things ESPN. Along those lines, I should mention that I consider the Dallas Cowboys, the New York Yankees, and the Duke Blue Devils the true Axis of Evil.

Ultimately, I would love to meet a woman who can be my best friend as well as my lover and who will make me an even better person for having known her. But (and I mean this sincerely) I am also perfectly happy making new friends--especially if they play tennis. I might just even know an eligible bachelor or two you might like!

Thanks for checking out my profile, and if you'd like to get to know me a little better--or if you also believe that Taco Bell Doritos Locos tacos are further proof that America remains an engine of innovation--feel free to say hi!

That's in the self-summary.

Making people laugh. Usually with me.

I am also probably the best you will ever know at capitalizing on "That's what SHE said" opportunities.

I am a take-charge kind of guy, and apparently I have eyelashes that would enable me to take flight in a tornado. My lips will make you think I should have a shrimping company named after me.

Many are also intrigued by my apparently ambiguous ethnicity. People routinely approach me on the street in their native languages expecting me to understand. It's like I'm the CEO of Rosetta Stone.

I have also been told more than once that I am a lot more muscular than I appear in my pictures. So either my shirts are way too tight in real life, or in my pictures I look like Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

OK, this one is way too Cosmo "Hook Him Now" Issue for my taste. Surely we can come up with something a little less boilerplate.

Now I think you're just phoning it in, OKCupid.

...how to make myself better and how to make an impact. Whether Helena Bonham Carter feels confused when she makes a movie without Johnny Depp. If Dick Cheney has managed to live this long by creating multiple horcruxes. Why Captain America has never been promoted. I mean the guy has only saved the world like a hundred times.

Oh and when Mix-A-Lot was knighted by Her Majesty The Queen.

...shaking my booty. And perhaps grabbing somebody sexy and telling 'em "Hey!"

I own all the Saved by the Bell DVDs. If you ever get my E-mail address, you will get a sense of just how much I love Saved by the Bell.

...you think I am interesting on a web page and want to get to know some actual substance. Or if you are just horny.

KIDDING