Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Yeah, I'm with someone: I know it's crazy, but it's true. I won't
be answering your message, just to let you know. 128 unanswered
messages to date. Whoo hoo!
Fair warning: the older I get, the more I become like Quint from
Jaws. I'm crusty, optimistic, and one scene away from being
devoured by an improbable shark.
I've got three kids from a previous marriage, and they hang around
with me a couple of days a week. I'm very tall, so I'll always know
if the top of your bookshelf is dusty. I spent several years as a
freelance game designer, and I can sling a mean plastic guitar when
I bust out the PS3. I used to be a martial arts instructor, and was
a sparring partner for a pro kickboxer.
I'm most interested in folks who take the meandering path, who like
to dabble in all manner of activities, the better to become more
well rounded. I'm fond of dreamers and thinkers, but not the sort
who just sit and watch life go by. I believe in the value of the
Renaissance man, and the Greek ideals of stretching mind and body
equally, the better to experience life to its fullest.
I am Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel, all in one
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
You know the legend of the Sphinx, and the question it forced
travelers to answer correctly, lest they be devoured alive? Well,
if I were a traveler, and this were the question, I'd be well and
Well, not really. It makes for better reading though: the classic
conflict of man against himself.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I'm really quite good at telling this joke:
A priest, a rabbi and a blue whale walk into a bar. The priest
walks up to the bartender and says "I believe the Lord Jesus Christ
is our savior, and therefore I will have a glass of communion
Then rabbi walks up to the bartender and says "I do not believe
Jesus is the savior of prophecy, and therefore I will have a glass
of Manischewitz wine."
Finally, the blue whale walks up to the bar and says...
... it's a killer joke live. Trust me.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Some have said I have the sweet demeanor and trustworthy face of a
serial killer, but all those people died mysteriously from dental
drill and/or acid bath related causes, so what did they know,
Occasionally I get comments on my neck bolts, the stitching at my
joints and neck, the smell of ozone and rot that suffuses the air
around me, and the mob of angry villagers with pitchforks and
torches which swarms me at all times, but most folks in Portland
are fairly jaded about that sort of stuff.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
The old monster movie Tarantula is directly responsible for what
is, to this day, the single greatest athletic feat of my life. I
was, as I recall, around 10 years old, a dumpy fat kid who didn't
exercise and really didn't even go outside much. I was home alone
on a Friday afternoon, and just happened to turn on the tv at the
right moment to catch the beginning of Tarantula. Since I loved
monster movies, I was riveted to the screen, despite the fact I was
enormously, almost cartoonishly afraid of spiders at that age.
Anyway, when the movie was done I was jumpy as all get out, but
decided I needed to go down into the basement to fetch myself a
soda. We kept them in a small room just around the corner from the
stairs, so I screwed my courage to the sticking post and went
Now, this is a furnished basement, and it's fairly shallow with a
ceiling that's above ground level. That floor above is only about 6
feet above the basement floor, and the staircase is comparatively
long and shallow, being about 8 feet long and, of course, 6 feet in
height. Anyway, I get to the bottom of the stairs, and turn the
corner into the freezer room where the sodas are. As I'm reaching
for the light, there's an enormous CRASH! directly in front of me.
What had happened was a wall cabinet came loose and smashed to the
floor. But it was dark in there, and my 10 year old brain instantly
went "ENORMOUS SPIDER COME FOR MY JUICES!!!!", and so I flipped
full on fight or flight. I, in one smooth motion, pirouetted my big
fat ass in a 180 degree arc, planted a foot on the bottom step, and
cleared the entirety of the basement staircase in a single bound,
slamming into the couch halfway across the room on the ground
floor. I suspect I screamed like a goat at a chupacabra gang bang,
but my mind was blank to such trivial details.
The next year, my mom bought me a Universal Monsters lunchbox,
which had a picture of the melty face Doctor from Tarantula. The
brief flashback was not pleasant. :P
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
The nostalgia tinted memories of my father
My children, except when they piss me off
My brain - I've tried, but no matter how he batters me, I still
just take him back
Friendship, I guess.
A nice green tarp - the comfortable topper for an evening ensemble,
and a great conversation piece! When you've a green tarp, the sky
is the limit. Blue tarpers can fuck right off, though.
Hell, I don't know. I'll say Doctor Who. Why not?
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
3, it's a magic number.
Stories and failure, and how those are sometimes intertwined.
My past life as a two headed carnival barker. Well, actually, a two
headed guy who barked at passing carnivals. Life was hardscrabble
in those days.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Brooding in the Batcave. I don't actually own it: I'm part of a
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I was carved from a single block of wood, by the loving hands of an
elderly Italian gentleman. There were many adventures to be had: I
made friends with a fox, learned about morality from an insect in a
top hat, and was even swallowed by an enormous whale! It wasn't all
wonderful, though, because I got tricked into going to Pleasure
Island, where I succumbed to decadence, mostly in the form of
smoking enormous cigars and shooting pool. I eventually grew donkey
bits, which doesn't really make much sense because wooden puppet,
ya know? I didn't even get the good bits of donkey anatomy, because
who makes a marionette anatomically correct?
...MY FATHER. THAT'S WHO.
Anyway, it all worked out in the end, and I learned a valuable
lesson or two. Though I'm sort of hazy on what those lessons are,
to be honest. Something to do with billiards, probably. Maybe top
hats. Or whales.
This whole story is true, I swear it on the grave of my mother, who
isn't actually dead, but is getting on towards retirement age. And
that's the sort of honesty you can take to the bank!
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
1) You like neck bolts, were secretly pleased to have been called
mad at the university, and a swarm of villagers with torches and
the enthusiastic will to brandish them intrigues you.
2) You have mad fresh beats, and can sell a rhyme that includes the
phrases Grape Ape and mix tape.
3) You're interested in meeting someone who's sported more than one
identifiably foot-shaped bruise on his face.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.