I'm really good at loving and communicating and being supportive and expressing affection. My nature is warm, optimistic, enthusiastic but calm, and inquisitive. I have learned about myself through understanding my past, my personality and my patterns in psychodynamic psychotherapy over the course of several years. That's good for my partner because I'm direct, clear, open, caring, and hardworking when it comes to working on a relationship.
The kind of person I want to be with is someone who is broadminded, compassionate, playful, racially unbiased, deeply thoughtful, and incredibly warm. I want to meet someone who is excited about having and raising kids (including any he already has, and definitely additional ones, whether biological, adopted, Martian or whatnot). A man who will inspire me is one who wants to really engage in family building as a creative endeavor and a long-term humbling and growth-building and love-expanding enterprise. He is someone who wants to grow a relationship in which we crack each other up, support each other's projects and pursuits, have eyes only for each other, and stay in love forever.
Here are some additional things about the core of who I am that I think we'd need to have in common:
- Race: Zero racism is very important to me. If you wouldn't date a black woman, I don't want to date you, no matter what your race. If you wouldn't adopt a black child, ditto. I was married once to an African American man and that, as well as other friendships and connections, opened my eyes more and more to the implicit racism and white privilege that we all wriggle, more or less consciously, within. I'm all about blowing that nonsense out of the water.
- Therapy/Psychology: I want to be with a partner who has been in therapy and who would be happy to be in couples therapy as one tool to sustaining a great relationship. I believe that we are all affected by what happened to us when we were kids, especially our core relationships with parents, etc. I don't mesh well with people who believe they aren't affected by these things or who believe that all on their own they've overcome their traumas. I mesh better with people who seek out help, and who are completely okay with the idea that their unconscious is operating in ways that they can't always detect.
- Relationships: Two things: 1. Chemistry is crucial, mysterious and uncontrollable. It can fail to be there with the most handsome of people. All we can do is see if it shows up for us - and we'll know quickly. 2. Given chemistry, and given alignment on core values and goals, true, lasting love and connection is absolutely possible and we will not just hope for it but plan on it and commit to it.
- Doing stuff together: In my hoped-for relationship, we'd really be having conversations all the time about life, what we're reading and thinking, about each other and our relationship, about kids, about politics, about the nature of the universe. We'd be chattering like this over oysters and wine, while taking a jog or a hike, while making coffee and straightening up, while planning and taking a vacation. We'd love to listen to each other as much as we loved to tell each other our thoughts. And we'd have a great sex life because it would stem from our closeness and our intimacy on all these other levels as well as from our undeniable chemistry, which we'd always be able to find our way back to if it lagged in spells at difficult life moments.
I believe that the more you know what you want and ask for what you want, the more likely you are to get it. I've tried to be clear and I'm excited about winnowing through the mass of Everybodys and finding the You.