Last night I dreamt of a man. We were skin against skin. We kissed and leaned and moved in familiar ways. There was sunshine and white linen. It was a happy, warm dream. I would have believed it was real if I hadn't awoke.
Then I had a dream I was running to his work. I was running out of breathe and it was hot but I had to see him. Ashley was in a passing car with her friend. She pulled over to give me a ride. Her friend jumped the curb and came within inches of knocking down a house. Front door first, she backed up and went back to the road thorugh a hole in the fence. I almost got out, she was such a crazy driver. I thought we were gonna die. They dropped me off. The place was like a bar. I strolled in the back. Then I saw him. He was coming in the front door. He was smiling and laughing. In panic I hid, hoping he hadn't seen me. what was I thinking?! I was sweaty and I smelled. I think he saw me for a second. I ran out the back. I just run, I run until I don't have any breathe. Until I'm back to the house we almost collasped. I awoke again.
I fell back asleep and dream of him again. I know exactly where he is and he is with a girl. I burst in unannounced. I've waited long enough. I don't care what anyone thinks. He is sitting with the woman. I drop my panties and sit on him. He does not hesitate. His lady friend lies beside me. She is dressed in a long light blue eveing gown and she's wearing white thigh highs with no underwear. I slip two fingers to her. She likes it, he likes it, I like it. It felt so real. I could feel him inside me. I could feel her on my hand...
It was one of the best dreams I ever had.

Sometimes a list of pros and cons on a piece of paper just doesn't do it. But how can you tell if its just a phase of desire to change course, or even abandon ship? What if it is really time, how do you know?
Maybe its winter. I fucking hate the cold. I firmly believe I have every right to live somewhere that doesn't see temperatures below say...50.
Are expectations unfair? Does it depend on the expectations, or on the person maybe? If you're is sick, is it not the responsibility of your partner to pick up the slack. Including, I don't know, gettin a fucking job. It is your job to kick him in the ass every morning and convince him to do said things?
Am -I- lazy because I dont' want to?
How could I even get to a new course from here?
If this ship was sinking would I know it?
Am I the captain, should I go down with it? Is that my duty?
Fuck winter.

Someone tried to IM me earlier but I wasn't sitting at the computer, it was a guy and he said he loved my song "Thief" and was putting it in his Ipod. That song is mislisted, its actually called Sink. The real thief is not posted. Also, I can't remember who sent me the IM, it was a guy who lived in Cinciinati, adn the photo I coudl see was of him in a green shirt smiling with dark hair. So message me if you read this.

I feel bad again.

About two weeks ago my already broken romantic relationship degenerated into police reports and restraining orders. I've got to admit things have been pretty fucked for a while, but this reeeally got me off track. Mentally, emotionally and all that. But some stuff has been really great. So here's the rundown of what's been, well, good, bad, and ugly since the, um, implosion. I decided to do it in reverse order so it doesn't sounds so depressing. Focus on the positive, people.
The Ugly-
It still wrings my heart to realize that I deeply love someone who was so off he had no idea that what he was doing was not ok and that he was capble of completely terrorizing me. I became so terrified of this person I filed a restraining order. A person with no scense of boundaries can be dangerous! At first, I couldn't even stay in my own house, I was so frightened I couldn't sleep unless another adult was in the house and awake. I've mostly gotten over "the fear" now. But everynow and then it still gets to me.
The Bad-
My previous sir completely lost scense of any boundries when he was frustrated, scared, angry or such. Which made him impossible to keep. Being angry is no excuse for disrespect. Yet, he wasn't all bad. That fucker was handsome, and he smelled nice, he was an excellent lover and could be incredibly sweet. I completley believed we were going to be together until at least one of us died. I wish I could forget all that, but I can't. And that sucks.
The Good-
Having a lover takes a lot of time. I sort of knew that already and had previously committed myself to giving away all my sacred free time to the "we" moments. Now that there is no "we," I've filled this free time with lots of domestic things. Sounds corny but I kind of like it.
I cook everyday now. On the stove even, not the microwave. I planted flowers, made a dress for my daughter, started a dress for me and I baked bread. From SCRATCH. And it was good! I also get more sleep and my house is cleaner. I even started running. Running has helped me heal so much, I know, gay, but true. I'm forced to push myself and I surprised myself at how far I could go. After the first run I really felt my attitude lift.
Also, just in the last couple days I've really jumped back into organizing everything for my upcoming trips, which include Chicago, NewYork and Florida :D Being your own boss and hustling your own jobs is more work than you might think.
Turns out I can pretty much handle this :D

Last night I dreamt three pair of diamond earring was given to me as a gift. From whom I can't remember. But my dumb ass had them all loose in my hand and I dropped a few. I had two match sets in my hand and one small one missing its mate. I reached underneath something to retrieve it, but came back with a hairball (mine) infested pearl earring carved like a rose. Not mine and not the one I was looking for. I kept reaching for it and just not quite getting it. Also, some other dream about an abandon back pack and a stair well...

The night before I had a dream I was in a hotel with Maria. It was mostly glass, like Sean's apartment and it was all stormy outside. It was night and all the lights were off but lightning was flashing. We were about to board the elevator when a floating decaying woman with wet black hair in white robes came to hurt us. From some distance, she lashed out at me with what looked like a long bundle of white mop rope. I ducked to dodge the rope, curling Maria into my body underneath me. The rope hit me on the back and stung the fuck out of me. I got up to run to the elevator between us, still carrying Maria. I turned Maria away from the witch as I ran; the rope lasted out again and shocked me on the nearest shoulder. We made it to the elevator and the door shut. It didn't really go anywhere. Someone was in there with us. Who it was supposed to be I don't know. He was male, and no stranger, someone who wasn't getting on my nerves (which in reality could be no male at this point in time) I was sitting caddy corner to the man and criss cross on the elevator floor, cradling Maria in my lap. She was suddenly sick and drenched in sweat. This was somehow the witch's fault, I suspected. I blew on Maria's wet hair to help her feel cool. She was so sick her eyes were closed and she wasn't speaking. But when I blew on her hair her mouth open and she smiled and laughed. Her teeth looked like mine. The elevator took us up to the tippy top floor where security was. I was gearing to leave Maria with the man in the elevator and go convince security there was a witch haunting the floors hurting people and making them sick. I watched myself get out of the elevator as it dinged open, looked around and found the security counter. There was a woman in a uniform there, it was hot and now I was sweating too. I opened my mouth to tell her about the witch "yeah, I know," she said. "She'll go away when the sun comes out.” Somehow with that the situation didn’t feel like an emergency anymore. I strolled calming back to the elevator.

I just barely caught this commercial.
" Can Gary Coleman's marriage be saved? This week on Divorce Court."
!!
Poor guy must be strapped for cash :(

My last boyfriend has a profile here.
Last he logged in we were dating, and he was listed as single.
I always was listed as seeing someone, Dude.
Why does that hurt my feelings?

Wondering what my fabulous life entails?
Today I'll be in a whirlwind of glamour happenings. Including waiting for a man to fix my water heater, folding laundry, and cleaning the guinea pig cage.
Alright, some of my photos are ok. But that's work, and I spend a lot of time in real life. Here I wear a sweatshirt, glass and I haven't shaved my legs in three days.
How glamorous is that.

Most of my badges are so accurate I can't even argue. Being as trusting and optimistic as I am my heart preety much got stomped on. I'm still looking to make friends. But romance is not my friend.