WARNING! Objects in profile are closer than they appear.

I would like to publish a Christianity version of a "Where's Waldo" book called, "Where's Jesus", and in each picture you try desperately to find Jesus... I wouldn't put him in the book however for a sense of accuracy

On Thursdays I go to nursing homes and steal used bedpans before the orderlys can come by and clean them... On Fridays I make my famous home made chili for the local orphanage.

I used to hit women to feel like a big man... Now I just do it for fun

Every Martin Luther King day I chase my black friend through the mall while wearing a KKK outfit and blaring Benny Hill music.

Somtimes I think, "What if I'm a traveler from the future that got hit in the head, has amnesia, and forgot to go back to the future?"

One of my biggest fears is to be abducted by aliens. Because as you can see I ramble off a bunch of random bullshit, but in all honesty I HATE when I'm telling the truth and no one believes me. So you can only imagine how frustrated I'd be if I was truely snatched up by space people.

With a pen, a broken lighter, a ruber band, and a map or Paris, I can create a laser gun... That also doubles as a map of Paris.

Every once in a while I go out and hire a bunch of hookers, take them back to my place, and pay them to play an entire game of monopoly with me.

I was told I am a raging bull in the sack by the queen of England.

Although I've never liked my hair too much I'm still afraid of going bald.

I'm captaining my massive flying machine as we spiral aimlessly through time and space. My six billion passengers think I'm doing an awesome job.

Having a mental tug-of-war on which drastic change I should make in my life in the semi near future.

Anytime you give someone your full attention you become a sitting duck for oncoming frisbees.

Trying my damndest to hide the cure for cancer from doctors all over the world.

Rounding up all of the panda bears in American Zoos to start my own League of Evil.

Inventing something better than toilet paper to clean your nether regions

I'm really good at being better than everyone else at everything in the entire world... I'm also the most modest person ever. I'm by far more modest than you.

Luring little school girls to my van with the promise of candy

Taking hours out of my day to memorize a song word for word for the rare time its played around a group of people so that I may impress them with how amazingly dedicated I am to not having a life.

Word searches... That one was just honesty seeping out. I'll try to conceal it better.

Giving advise when its not needed and feeling a bit uncomfortable when somebody is actually asking for it.

The first thing people notice is that I wear a hocky mask in public and murder at will... Other than that I'm just a normal guy I suppose.

I also crawl on walls like Spider-man. Unlike Spider-man however, I know when to stop making movies that suck.

Another common thing I've had pointed out to me by lesser beings, is that I have really nice teeth and a pleasent smile...
Although smiling with my teeth is a joy you can only experience in my presense because a toothy grin for pictures is too fake in my opinion and looks forced.

Since this is by far the most anoying, boring, and skipped section of every profile, I have decided to make mine different. (Big surprise there huh?)

... I have an uncontrolable hate for stupid people...

I cannot stand CSI: Miami.

I've had many hobbies but none of which have I stayed serious about for long.

I am incredibly jealous of the man who invented/marketed the back scratcher. To make millions off of a curved stick... Friggin genius!

I've never wanted to be an astronaut.

I did want to be an author when I was a kid... But I also wanted to be a power ranger so there ya go.

FACT: Tornadoes are just afraid of you as you are of them.

World peace
Lazer eyes
Millions and millions of munnys
My own fan base
A religious cult mounting a statue dedicated to Hitler
...Herpies...

Oh, wait a minute,
I don't have any of those things... Aw tits

Charity comercials about monkeys with terrible gambling problems, and how for only the price of my daily cup of coffee I can break the nasty habbits of that money starved chimp. If I were to simply donate in the next ten minutes I would recieve a free T-shirt... Which I guess isn't really free since you need to donate a minimum of fifteen munnys to get it... Also why make T-shirts when you could have just used the $munny$ on them to help the apes instead? Hmm guess they know better than I do.

Fighting crime in a G-string

Painting peoples houses while they sleep and see if they'll notice in the morning.

Driving into intense fog at high speeds to see if I'll survive to reach the other side.

Trying to discover Russian nuclear war secrets.

Locking myself in the trunk of my car in hope that my 911 call will make it on the news.

That I am actually a really serious person when serious situations arise. Yes that is a private thing because ppl that get to know me think I'm just some autistic joke monkey, which is only partially correct. I just find that seriousness is boring and is time that could be better spent thinking about ninja dentists...
Would they be dentists that work exclusively for ninjas?
Or maybe ninjas that are dentists so they can remove your teeth really fast?

Messege me no matter what. I'm like a puppy starved for attention and the more I get to type about myself the better. I'm very self indulged and am not afraid to say it. ... I am however afraid of chubacabres.

MY [INTERESTS] MAKE A SENTENCE!
READ IT!