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roman_brandt

30 New Castle, IN Man

Man

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I’m looking for

  • Men
  • Ages 19–40
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends

My details

Last online
Today – 3:52pm
Orientation
Gay
Ethnicity
White
Height
6′ 3″ (1.91m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Anything
Smokes
No
Drinks
Not at all
Drugs
Never
Religion
Atheism
Sign
Sagittarius
Education
Working on university
Job
Art / Music / Writing
Status
Single
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly), C++ (Poorly)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Hello, people of the Internet. I'll open with "I'm not looking for a relationship," because people don't usually make it to the bit that says that, or they think "well, he has yet to see my magnificent mug. He'll change his mind." Trust me, it's not you. It's me. I'm a mess, and you'd only end up with buyer's remorse anyway. If you haven't run away screaming and crying because you wanted someone to stick all your parts into and I smashed your dreams, please continue forth. You may run away yet.

There will be no "self-summary." There will only be my thoughts. That way, you can come to your own conclusion. There's too much emphasis on selling oneself like a slice of processed cheese. I much prefer to be the cow. People live life as a frantic game of spin the bottle, and I would just rather not be your YOLO kiss. I have a hand and the internet. I don't need your cooties.

I may be a millennial, but millennial slang makes me want to set things on fire.

My generation seems to have mistaken being ripped and well traveled with being interesting and worth knowing. MY ABS BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE EIFFEL TOWER BITCHES.

Behold, the field in which I grow my fucks. See that it is barren. Hard pass.

Since everyone is all big on the Myers-Briggs test (which is apparently the new zodiac), I am an ENFP. Zodiac signs are out. I wonder if I ought to list my quiz results for what Disney princess I am. #relevant

I hate hashtags. Hashtags make me want to punch babies.

I avoid going to Pride because there's nothing there for me. I don't consider lower management at Macy's to be the ultimate job. I don't live my life according to the gospel of Gaga. I don't dance my life away and hope that tomorrow is better. I am actively trying to learn who I am, and while Macy's is pretty and Gaga is catchy and dancing is fun (when I'm alone; dancing in public is a real, recurring nightmare that I have), there is much more to life than simply being a gay stereotype.

I'm naturally blonde. Don't tell anyone. I'll have to kill you. A dolphin ate my soul, so I don't have the capacity to regret doing it. Just kidding. Or am I?

You might ask where I'm from. I'd like to say Mars or the bottom of the ocean or somewhere exotic like that, but in fact there is a terrible little town in northern Indiana called Portland. We had a Walmart and a Burger King. I fled it years ago. I've hardly been back since.

Don't talk politics to me. That shit's ugly. I only talk politics if I know we agree, because politics and religion are the two topics that turn everyone into red-faced, yelling douche monsters. I remember when it was rude to talk about party affiliation, and I really wish that was still a thing.

I am also an atheist, as my profile states, but I'm not an asshole atheist. I don't go around disproving the religious beliefs of others for fun. I merely have my own beliefs, and they may differ from yours. We don't have to discuss anything about it, you and I. Life is too short to hold one's religious convictions or lack thereof against them. I know atheism is scary from the outside, but we don't eat babies. At least I don't. Babies are really too chewy for my taste. I prefer the cows and chickens and soybeans that everyone else eats.

There was a lot more to this section, but it just didn't represent me anymore. Maybe this doesn't live up to the epic nonsense that it replaced, but I feel like I'm half the level of annoying I was, and all those words were giving me a headache.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
No one cares what I'm doing with my life. Hooking on the corner? Selling drugs to babies? Writing stories? Who knows?
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Here's where I unknowingly reveal what no one has the balls to tell me I suck at. That's how it goes for my generation. We're a bunch of overconfident, talentless people who lack self-awareness. "I'm great at singing!" *sings, windows explode, everyone's heads melt into foaming white liquid, the world ends*

I write. That's the thing that stands out, but that doesn't mean I'm good at it.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My charming disposition and my sunny outlook.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Favorites are overrated and allow people to think things like "ohhh no no, no Shirley Jackson fans."

Books: Mostly mid-century or victorian. Kate Chopin is a god, as is Ray Bradbury and William S. Burroughs. I am currently having a love affair with The Catcher in the Rye, and I don't care what you think of that.

You know, modern fiction just doesn't do it for me anymore. I know that's really old people-ish and hipster-ish to say, but I am not going to put myself through the trauma of reading 50 Shades of Gray just to find the sex scenes. I'm sorry that so many people find it necessary to do so. It's a 500 page newspaper with characters. It is difficult to find modern fiction that isn't clunky and unreadable from adjective abuse and a vague misunderstanding of language use. No thank you. It's still on the shelf for a reason.

You are not me, and if you want to go fap to Twilight, that is your damage. I can't stop you, but I will inform you that there was another novel called Twilight before that one came out. It was about life inside a concentration camp, and it was beautifully written. I've always thought it was unfair that sparkly pedophilic vampires stole that book's thunder. If you want something that doesn't read like a novelized pop-up book, you should check it out.

Movies: I love Fight Club, mostly because Brad Pitt never ages. Fight Club is vintage Brad Pitt in a little segment of 1999, like a cube of time-space cut out at then end of the last millennium.

I love Gravity. That movie is so full of my fear of heights.

I also love Identity Thief. No, I do not need your approval. If you like this movie, we should watch it together and talk about how awesome Melissa McCarthy is. I typed this paragraph with one finger. It literally took hours. Whole worlds were formed while I typed it. I grew a beard and died.

TV Shows: See, this one is hard. I don't hate shows with huge fandoms, I just fear their cocaine qualities. Get Doctor Who away from me. Everyone likes that show. EVERYONE. EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS PLANET. Except me.

I like the X-files, Absolutely Fabulous, Saunders and French, Robot Chicken to some degree, South Park, and The Golden Girls. If you like these, we are instantly best friends.

Music: It varies. Right now I like retro mid-2000s bands. I rotate Franz Ferdinand, The Arctic Monkeys, The Hives and Kaiser Chiefs with Marilyn Manson and a little My Chemical Romance, but my taste extends beyond those bands.

Food: I like pizza. I like it a lot, because I am trashy. I eat like trailer trash. Someone bring me a can opener; I locked myself out of my house.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My car is a pretty badass sheet metal lesbian. I'd put her at number one, because she takes me places.

I think science is also pretty badass. I think that one needs no explanation.

The sims. Because I am addicted and I talk in fragments.

The writing of dead authors. Cannot get enough of those dead people.

The ability to write. I hope I never lose it, because the world would actually be terrifying to me if I could no longer describe it. It would be hostile and alien. It would be cold as the stars rotating over the hookers down the street. True story.

My friends! Those awesome people that my brain alternately wants to have around me all the time and then cannot wait for them to leave. Fuck you, brain!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I don't know. Everything.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Being a boring bed burrito. Maybe trolling Youtube.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
You ready for this? I have a secret to tell you. Lean closer to your computer/phone/dog's asshole.

No one cares what the fox says. No one gives one single fuck. But you know what? It's probably something similar to a dog's chuffing, since they're related. Stop watching that ridiculous video and telling me to watch it. Take off the damn T-shirts before I set them on fire while you're wearing them. When the trend trickles down to Hot Topic, it is over. Hot Topic is where the internet goes to die, so let's just say it's over.

OMG JUNNUFUR WAT DUZ THE FOKS SAY DINGIDINIGNDIDNGINDGINDLIGNIDGNIDNGFIDN ID JGFIDH IOGD NID HIO: ID FIDDIOGLIDN GIN DGIPDN IGFNED I

Restrain that pop culture zombie! Slap some cuffs on her! Citizen's arrest for stupidity!
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You want a new friend. Just message me. Of course, you might read my about me and think "oh boy, this dude just flipped his table" and move on to someone shiny and thin and who opens with "OMG I NUVUR NO WUT 2 SAY IN THEES THINGZ" and message him. Those guys tend to be less threatening, and you don't have to feed them as often, because they only eat really expensive food purchased by rich old men.