Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Hello, people of the Internet. I'll open with "I'm not looking for
a relationship," because people don't usually make it to the bit
that says that, or they think "well, he has yet to see my
magnificent mug. He'll change his mind." Trust me, it's not you.
It's me. I'm a mess, and you'd only end up with buyer's remorse
anyway. If you haven't run away screaming and crying because you
wanted someone to stick all your parts into and I smashed your
dreams, please continue forth. You may run away yet.
There will be no "self-summary." There will only be my thoughts.
That way, you can come to your own conclusion. There's too much
emphasis on selling oneself like a slice of processed cheese. I
much prefer to be the cow. People live life as a frantic game of
spin the bottle, and I would just rather not be your YOLO kiss. I
have a hand and the internet. I don't need your cooties.
I may be a millennial, but millennial slang makes me want to set
things on fire.
My generation seems to have mistaken being ripped and well traveled
with being interesting and worth knowing. MY ABS BRING ALL THE BOYS
TO THE EIFFEL TOWER BITCHES.
Behold, the field in which I grow my fucks. See that it is barren.
Since everyone is all big on the Myers-Briggs test (which is
apparently the new zodiac), I am an ENFP. Zodiac signs are out. I
wonder if I ought to list my quiz results for what Disney princess
I am. #relevant
I hate hashtags. Hashtags make me want to punch babies.
I avoid going to Pride because there's nothing there for me. I
don't consider lower management at Macy's to be the ultimate job. I
don't live my life according to the gospel of Gaga. I don't dance
my life away and hope that tomorrow is better. I am actively trying
to learn who I am, and while Macy's is pretty and Gaga is catchy
and dancing is fun (when I'm alone; dancing in public is a real,
recurring nightmare that I have), there is much more to life than
simply being a gay stereotype.
I'm naturally blonde. Don't tell anyone. I'll have to kill you. A
dolphin ate my soul, so I don't have the capacity to regret doing
it. Just kidding. Or am I?
You might ask where I'm from. I'd like to say Mars or the bottom of
the ocean or somewhere exotic like that, but in fact there is a
terrible little town in northern Indiana called Portland. We had a
Walmart and a Burger King. I fled it years ago. I've hardly been
Don't talk politics to me. That shit's ugly. I only talk politics
if I know we agree, because politics and religion are the two
topics that turn everyone into red-faced, yelling douche monsters.
I remember when it was rude to talk about party affiliation, and I
really wish that was still a thing.
I am also an atheist, as my profile states, but I'm not an asshole
atheist. I don't go around disproving the religious beliefs of
others for fun. I merely have my own beliefs, and they may differ
from yours. We don't have to discuss anything about it, you and I.
Life is too short to hold one's religious convictions or lack
thereof against them. I know atheism is scary from the outside, but
we don't eat babies. At least I don't. Babies are really too chewy
for my taste. I prefer the cows and chickens and soybeans that
everyone else eats.
There was a lot more to this section, but it just didn't represent
me anymore. Maybe this doesn't live up to the epic nonsense that it
replaced, but I feel like I'm half the level of annoying I was, and
all those words were giving me a headache.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
No one cares what I'm doing with my life. Hooking on the corner?
Selling drugs to babies? Writing stories? Who knows?
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Here's where I unknowingly reveal what no one has the balls to tell
me I suck at. That's how it goes for my generation. We're a bunch
of overconfident, talentless people who lack self-awareness. "I'm
great at singing!" *sings, windows explode, everyone's heads melt
into foaming white liquid, the world ends*
I write. That's the thing that stands out, but that doesn't mean
I'm good at it.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My charming disposition and my sunny outlook.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Favorites are overrated and allow people to think things like "ohhh
no no, no Shirley Jackson fans."
Books: Mostly mid-century or victorian. Kate Chopin is a god, as is
Ray Bradbury and William S. Burroughs. I am currently having a love
affair with The Catcher in the Rye, and I don't care what you think
You know, modern fiction just doesn't do it for me anymore. I know
that's really old people-ish and hipster-ish to say, but I am not
going to put myself through the trauma of reading 50 Shades of Gray
just to find the sex scenes. I'm sorry that so many people find it
necessary to do so. It's a 500 page newspaper with characters. It
is difficult to find modern fiction that isn't clunky and
unreadable from adjective abuse and a vague misunderstanding of
language use. No thank you. It's still on the shelf for a
You are not me, and if you want to go fap to Twilight, that is your
damage. I can't stop you, but I will inform you that there was
another novel called Twilight before that one came out. It was
about life inside a concentration camp, and it was beautifully
written. I've always thought it was unfair that sparkly pedophilic
vampires stole that book's thunder. If you want something that
doesn't read like a novelized pop-up book, you should check it
Movies: I love Fight Club, mostly because Brad Pitt never ages.
Fight Club is vintage Brad Pitt in a little segment of 1999, like a
cube of time-space cut out at then end of the last
I love Gravity. That movie is so full of my fear of heights.
I also love Identity Thief. No, I do not need your approval. If you
like this movie, we should watch it together and talk about how
awesome Melissa McCarthy is. I typed this paragraph with one
finger. It literally took hours. Whole worlds were formed while I
typed it. I grew a beard and died.
TV Shows: See, this one is hard. I don't hate shows with huge
fandoms, I just fear their cocaine qualities. Get Doctor Who away
from me. Everyone likes that show. EVERYONE. EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON
THIS PLANET. Except me.
I like the X-files, Absolutely Fabulous, Saunders and French, Robot
Chicken to some degree, South Park, and The Golden Girls. If you
like these, we are instantly best friends.
Music: It varies. Right now I like retro mid-2000s bands. I rotate
Franz Ferdinand, The Arctic Monkeys, The Hives and Kaiser Chiefs
with Marilyn Manson and a little My Chemical Romance, but my taste
extends beyond those bands.
Food: I like pizza. I like it a lot, because I am trashy. I eat
like trailer trash. Someone bring me a can opener; I locked myself
out of my house.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My car is a pretty badass sheet metal lesbian. I'd put her at
number one, because she takes me places.
I think science is also pretty badass. I think that one needs no
The sims. Because I am addicted and I talk in fragments.
The writing of dead authors. Cannot get enough of those dead
The ability to write. I hope I never lose it, because the world
would actually be terrifying to me if I could no longer describe
it. It would be hostile and alien. It would be cold as the stars
rotating over the hookers down the street. True story.
My friends! Those awesome people that my brain alternately wants to
have around me all the time and then cannot wait for them to leave.
Fuck you, brain!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I don't know. Everything.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Being a boring bed burrito. Maybe trolling Youtube.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
You ready for this? I have a secret to tell you. Lean closer to
your computer/phone/dog's asshole.
No one cares what the fox says. No one gives one single fuck. But
you know what? It's probably something similar to a dog's chuffing,
since they're related. Stop watching that ridiculous video and
telling me to watch it. Take off the damn T-shirts before I set
them on fire while you're wearing them. When the trend trickles
down to Hot Topic, it is over. Hot Topic is where the internet goes
to die, so let's just say it's over.
OMG JUNNUFUR WAT DUZ THE FOKS SAY
DINGIDINIGNDIDNGINDGINDLIGNIDGNIDNGFIDN ID JGFIDH IOGD NID HIO: ID
FIDDIOGLIDN GIN DGIPDN IGFNED I
Restrain that pop culture zombie! Slap some cuffs on her! Citizen's
arrest for stupidity!
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You want a new friend. Just message me. Of course, you might read
my about me and think "oh boy, this dude just flipped his table"
and move on to someone shiny and thin and who opens with "OMG I
NUVUR NO WUT 2 SAY IN THEES THINGZ" and message him. Those guys
tend to be less threatening, and you don't have to feed them as
often, because they only eat really expensive food purchased by
rich old men.
Who are you looking for?
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