Let's see, my friends would probably describe me as a jerk. I'm cruel to small furry animals. I challenge young children to arm wrestling matches and beat them. I won't cook or clean or open jars or take out the garbage. Other than that, I'm a great guy.

A few more things about me and thoughts I'm having as I write this:

I was raised on the mean streets of Princeton, and I'm very patriotic about my home state of NJ. Been in DC for a long time now though and enjoy living here.

I don't think a grown man should be wearing jorts under any circumstances in any walk of life. I'm also very suspicious of men in visors.

I committed a misdemeanor crime in France once. The ticket reader on the turnstile wouldn’t read my train ticket so, rather than waiting in a long line to try to explain the situation in broken French, I jumped the turnstile, made a run for it, then realized that might look suspicious and tried to act natural. Suckers didn't catch me. So yeah, I'm kind of an international criminal.

A woman once told me that I have the hands of a concert violinist. Still not sure quite what to make of that.

I’m a little alarmed by the number of men on dating sites that post shirtless pictures. I can't imagine women on here are trolling for shirtless pics but, if you are, I'm going to disappoint you. Call me old-fashioned but, if you want to find out whether I have a 6-pack, we're going to have to meet. Probably a couple times.

I love dachshunds. I think it's a scandal that a dachshund never wins in those dog shows -- not even in the hound division! There should be an investigation.

I do some random impressions. Bullwinkle, Johnny Cash, the Joker from The Dark Knight, etc. If you play your cards right, you might get one out of me on the first date.

Very few men under the age of 50 can pull off a mustache. Michael Cera is not one of them.

I'm a huge sports fan. The crazy kind who yells and throws things at the TV. I watch and follow football, basketball, hockey, baseball, tennis, golf, boxing, and soccer. I love (but sometimes hate) the Jets, Knicks, Rangers, and Hoyas. My favorite sports to play are tennis and basketball. I used to teach tennis and now coach it for the Special Olympics whenever I can.

I think Larry David is a genius. Wes Anderson too.

I’d have a lot more respect for that rapper 50 Cents if he had named himself Sacagawea Dollar.

What kind of country do we live in when the Kardashians and that woman with all the kids are famous and make millions? My god, it makes you nostalgic for the days when Pauly Shore was a celebrity.

If you get a few cocktails in me, I put out on the first date.

I'm an attorney at a law firm in D.C.

Way too many favorite movies to list. Anything by Wes Anderson (esp. Rushmore, Royal Tennenbaums, Life Aquatic, Bottle Rocket). Anything by Christopher Nolan (esp. Insomnia, Memento, and the Batman movies). Old School, Jaws, Ghostbusters, What About Bob, I Love You Man, Role Models, Office Space, Star Wars, The Burbs, Groundhog Day, The Shawshank Redemption, Midnight in Paris, etc.

TV shows: Anything on ESPN, Bill Maher, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Lawrence O'Donnell, Rachel Maddow, Arrrested Development, Big Bang Theory, The Newsroom, Game of Thrones, Veep.

I think the 90s was the best decade for music. I have no idea what the kids listen to these days.

Some favorite authors are J.R.R. Tolkien, Fyodor Dostoevsky, J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, George R.R. Martin, Dan Brown, Hannah Arendt, Friedrich Nietzsche, Peter Benchley, and Michael Crichton.

What is an activity partner? And how is it different from, you know, a friend?

You have a good sense of humor, you're outgoing, you enjoy a lot of joking around and sarcasm, and you have some interest in current events. And you like a guy with glasses :)

By the way, you probably should not message me if you think President Obama is secretly a Muslim from Kenya or that climate change is a hoax.