When I walk by, homeless people give money to me.
I've only ever been dealt a fatal blow...twice, and I never fly like a bird, except on Thursdays.
I invented the question mark, so my punctuation is always perfect.
I refuse to use Twitter, but I only speak in lines of 160 characters.
Online dating sites love me. This profile wrote itself, and I personally match all the users on eharmony.
I'm trying to sell OkCupid on "automated slaps" for when someone gets pissed about not getting a response. I would settle for "dump drink in user's lap."
Once upon a time, I worked for Google. They got sick of the doodles I made, so they had to let me go.
A dog wasn't cool enough for me, so I adopted a wolf.
Now, if there's anything else, feel free to ask. But be warned, I only reply via hand signals.