2/8/13* So how do I hide this profile?
1/22/13* For those of you who visit this page, please note that I recently met someone TRULY AMAZING (but not here on OKStupid) and my profile will vanish in the near future. Sorry, but I only have room for one girl in my life since I actually practice what I rant. To the airheads (and couple of friends) of my online dating horror stories, the satisfaction of meeting someone real and very amazing should encourage you to change your ways, act like yourselves, and only pursue someone if you truly want your lives to progress. Now feel free to enjoy my old, un-edited text before it vanishes.

STAFF EDITORIAL (NEW SECTION):
Afer writing perhaps the longest profile in the history of OKStupid, causing many people to run far away from my antics, and, most importantly, remaining true to myself and 100% real, I happily report that this site could actually work if people only read my entire profile. Nearly ready to give up on the online circus, I shall again attempt to find a qualified applicant interested in a long-term RELATIONSHIP. Yes, I really typed that sentence with the hopes of meeting someone worthy of hiding this profile rather than deleting it in frustration. Excuse me while I find some clown shoes for all of you who deserve them.

DISCLAIMER ADDENDUM:
Fortunately the editor of this page (Macy, my dog) works inexpensively because I keep changing the disclaimer content thanks to some imposter clowns displaying blue square noses, plaid golf knickers, and orange soccer shoes. If you live more than an hour away, I might simply bash my head with cement blocks rather than attempt the impossible (unless you provide a very good reason). If you expect me to wait two weeks to meet you, find a guy with more patience and less desire to fill the advertised position of 'girlfriend.' I hope someone who reads this actually knows how to communicate, hug, kiss, AND proceed beyond a first date. For anyone unqualified, please note that reading my profile (written for an additional purpose besides my amusement) could save us both wasted time and effort due to information like my rather old-fashioned values and a desire for a situation with long-term potential.

Before you read my novel, I want to emphasize a few key factors in finding the correct type of person. First of all, I only date ONE person at once and I REFUSE to tolerate the Barnum and Bailey- authorized circus antics of people jugglers. If you left your communication skills in grade school, we likely match like Wal*Mart and high-priced American suppliers (or Zimbabwe and Olympic table tennis). I exhibit (not the rapper) effort into a relationship and I expect the same from the other party involved. Enough ranting for now. Anyone brave enough and disciplined enough to read to the end might meet a very nice person, or at least receive a gold star sticker.

DISCLAIMER:
For those of you who would fail Hooked On Phonics For Dummies, I apologize for actually typing more than two sentences in an attempt to describe myself. Although the below novel may contain ridiculous humor and references to bizarre objects, the underlying message shows that I remain serious in finding someone ready for that stable (but not boring) family life. I spent 12 years with a supervisor, so I now seek a co-manager for that "happily ever after."
> > > > >

Welcome to the official profile page of the unofficial, self-appointed, lifetime chair and couch of the Northernmost Northeastern South Dakota State Polytechnical University Department of Sarcasm and Dry Humor. If you believed the previous sentence, your personality resembles that of a primer 1980s Volvo 740 Wagon (styled after a large, rectangular cardboard box), or you joined this site to collect night stands (available at furniture stores and even garage sales) through "casual encounters," please complete Disgruntled Reader Form 247D in triple-spaced italic Russian for my office supervisor (dog) to process. For all others, please continue reading to obtain more relevant information.

Although I retain hope and my usual optimism to find someone wacky enough to appreciate me, I read comments on several profiles indicating that the odds of finding love online resemble those of Ronald McDonald attending the next Pink concert to sell Burger King chicken sandwiches while clad in a lime green suit, a purple shirt, a plaid IUPUI hoody, blue socks, and retro Air Jordans. At this point in my life, I seek the stereotypical American household with 2.3 children (Way to go, professional survey companies! Did 75.14 employees determine that number?), happy spouses, and well-behaved pets (mine needs some lessons in tolerating other dogs). I would love to find someone with a child or children already (I promise nobody hit me over the head with a frying pan before I typed this), but I welcome applications from all sane, intelligent, creative, understanding, energetic, attractive (not expecting a super model - just someone in decent shape who takes pride in her appearance), authentic (not generic like Great Value or Always Save), drug free, and 7,878,789,878,789 (the proper placement of commas between numbers indicates that I almost became an English teacher) other characteristics I will remember to add later individuals intent on experiencing the long haul (Mexico to Canada). I want an unparalleled (and unperpendiculared) best friend to complete me while equally contributing to the relationship. The list continues (Blah, blah, blah.... Calling all Hallmark sappy content writers) with someone to love, cherish, encourage, challenge me, grow spiritually, and provide enjoyment in even mundane daily tasks. If this sounds appealing, I encourage you to explore the opportunities provided by the train wreck (no loud horn and sometimes off track) known as me.

Many people call me a smartbass, but those who know me appreciate the "softer side of Sears (Remember those commercials designed to sell housewares in a store known for its electronics, appliances, and tools?)." I live life with an edge (not The Edge from U2 or that annoying song from Lady LaLa), and I refuse to alter my personality, morals, or values for anyone. This also means that I support important people through the thick, thin, and deli sliced (thinner). I believe every day provides opportunities to add value and memories.

While working a real job in retail I have begun the process of opening a car lot for the fifth time because I refuse to let the dream die. I think the folks in Detroit, Japan, and Korea genetically programmed me to provide repurposing for vehicles local residents deem lost causes.

Essentially I work, work more, confuse people more than a mariachi band performing live on HOT 103 JAMZ, spoil my dog, sleep, and enjoy rare free time with friends and family.

*making the girl in my life feel unconditionally loved and appreciated
*warming up to kids (which sometimes involves acting like one of them and an adult at the same time)
*providing an example of a poor honest auto rebuilder
*collecting anything with four wheels or related to the Huskers
*writing ridiculous long-winded masterpieces
*confusing people through the arts of sarcasm and individuality
*finding bargains - kind of a life philosophy
*counseling, with no formal training
*showing I care about someone
*blabbing
*backwards punting and mid-court three point shooting
*creating hilarious customs out of everyday vehicles
*living by the guidance of my faith
*organizing messes
*dumb jokes, dry humor, and sarcastic comments
*harmless pranks
*remaining true to myself
*guessing winning lottery numbers following the drawing
*navigating flying saucers and tea cups off the coast of Equatorial Guinea
*382,987,542 other topics not listed

Except for the clothes, I resemble an active-duty member of the military. Image- ha,ha

Books: Other than a few fancy automotive history books, my library consists of random purchases from Dollar Tree or thrift stores. The odds of finding a common theme resemble those of locating a 1909 peso in the fountain at the half-abandoned Metcalf South mall.

Movies: I admit that I rarely watch movies, believe ticket prices at theaters border on legal money laundering, and have never used a Redbox (although I once told a coworker to complete ten jumping jacks if he wanted the machine to process quickly). Suspense loses my attention (Can we just watch the beginning and the end?), horror makes me sick (weak stomach), and cartoons promote naps. I guess that leaves comedy, drama, and sports-related as safe categories.
A few favorites: Blues Brothers, Dennis the Menace, Pursuit of Happiness, Grumpy Old Men, Blind Side

Shows: KMBC news (depressing, but necessary to remain informed) except for the awful local-focused sports coverage, football (focused on Nebraska Huskers and Dallas Cowboys), 2.5 Men, Two Broke Girls, Top Gear, American Pickers, Storage Wars, Pawn Stars, Holmes Inspection, House Hunters, educational stuff on CNBC and NATGEO

Music: First of all, half of the nonsense on the radio today sounds worse than a bunch of two year olds banging on pots and pans in a school kitchen. Needless to say, I consider myself adept at writing parodies of popular songs. I enjoy listening to pop, contemporary Christian, some rock, some R and B, big band without vocals, jazz without vocals, some gospel, and bits and pieces of other stuff. Notice this list EXCLUDES country music composed by artists with three first names who plot to overtake our normal-music radio stations. Excuse me while I look for Billy Bob Joe Donny Fred's eleven gallon hat...

*Favorite Groups/Artists: Creed, Third Day, Barenaked Ladies, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Glen Miller Orchestra

Food: I like essentially anything not containing raw or partially-cooked meat (INCLUDING raw fish... Calling Grill, party of one!), tomatoes in any form other than sauce, green pepper, toasted bread even my dog couldn't chew, cereal with flavoring similar to its cardboard box, cooked mushrooms (raw taste fine), or ranch salad dressing.

I also despise bland Mexican food, establishments serving diminutive portions for entrees, and restaurants that have given me food poisoning (Sickpotle, Olive Drab).

Oh, and although the stove and I sometimes argue, I cook fairly well with the help of my four-legged attentive kitchen manager and a well-used propane grill.

Drinks (who cares if they listed this category): cold water, diet pop (favorites include Diet Code Red, Pepsi Max, Diet Dew, and Diet Coke), flavored water (good old Wally World makes some interesting varieties), sweet tea, fruit juice (the funnier flavor and higher juice content, the better ... Always read the fine print on the back), Powerade Zero (except the Strawberry that tastes like expired Kool Aid)

Done, Finished, Exhausted!!!!!
If I forgot something, buy a box of Kleenex to stop your tears.

(random order - thrown from one of those tennis ball launchers)

1) An automatic extension every time the list dwindled to number six
2) automobiles (except those stupid Smart cars designed to win neigborhood lawn mower races and provide speed bumps for 1-ton trucks)
3)gas or fuel for item 2
4)family (including dog)
5)church
6)the ability to communicate in a free society
7)Time for automatic extension
8)...

*the threat of precipitation (despised)
*naps
*automotive facts and/or my next project
*time that recently flew out the window
*how half of all musicians earn higher incomes than people holding cardboard signs on nearby street corners
*unused business names (such as Auto Junque Billy Bob, Joe Nose Toes, Motel Seven Red Carpet Blue Roof Dumpster-Side Villa and Resort, Price Gouger...)
*you?

vacationing at my new high-rise compund in Dubai

Feel free to ask Macy, but she charges $2 per word and they all resemble panting, growling, funny noises, or barking. Also note that she runs away from phones and types like this: jfkdfjdjfkjfnldfndfff8787389237823789289jfkljfkjfdjfkljfkldjliewjo

*You leave the games for game time (like Battleship) and actually want to talk and meet. Otherwise, please go away (without passing Go or collecting $200).
*You believe you can help someone who suffers from an affection defficiency catch up on hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and such.
*You enjoy long walks and throwing tennis balls (my dog made me write this part)
*You appreciated those caution signs at the mall that I changed from "Watch Your Step" to "Catch Your Stetson" (true story).
*You read more than half of what I wrote, you agree to the 7 pages of terms and conditions printed backwards in Japanese, you decided to join the newly-formed National Rodeo Clown Association, and you honestly want to explore the possibilities of a long-term relationship.