1/22/13* For those of you who visit this page, please note that I recently met someone TRULY AMAZING (but not here on OKStupid) and my profile will vanish in the near future. Sorry, but I only have room for one girl in my life since I actually practice what I rant. To the airheads (and couple of friends) of my online dating horror stories, the satisfaction of meeting someone real and very amazing should encourage you to change your ways, act like yourselves, and only pursue someone if you truly want your lives to progress. Now feel free to enjoy my old, un-edited text before it vanishes.
STAFF EDITORIAL (NEW SECTION):
Afer writing perhaps the longest profile in the history of OKStupid, causing many people to run far away from my antics, and, most importantly, remaining true to myself and 100% real, I happily report that this site could actually work if people only read my entire profile. Nearly ready to give up on the online circus, I shall again attempt to find a qualified applicant interested in a long-term RELATIONSHIP. Yes, I really typed that sentence with the hopes of meeting someone worthy of hiding this profile rather than deleting it in frustration. Excuse me while I find some clown shoes for all of you who deserve them.
Fortunately the editor of this page (Macy, my dog) works inexpensively because I keep changing the disclaimer content thanks to some imposter clowns displaying blue square noses, plaid golf knickers, and orange soccer shoes. If you live more than an hour away, I might simply bash my head with cement blocks rather than attempt the impossible (unless you provide a very good reason). If you expect me to wait two weeks to meet you, find a guy with more patience and less desire to fill the advertised position of 'girlfriend.' I hope someone who reads this actually knows how to communicate, hug, kiss, AND proceed beyond a first date. For anyone unqualified, please note that reading my profile (written for an additional purpose besides my amusement) could save us both wasted time and effort due to information like my rather old-fashioned values and a desire for a situation with long-term potential.
Before you read my novel, I want to emphasize a few key factors in finding the correct type of person. First of all, I only date ONE person at once and I REFUSE to tolerate the Barnum and Bailey- authorized circus antics of people jugglers. If you left your communication skills in grade school, we likely match like Wal*Mart and high-priced American suppliers (or Zimbabwe and Olympic table tennis). I exhibit (not the rapper) effort into a relationship and I expect the same from the other party involved. Enough ranting for now. Anyone brave enough and disciplined enough to read to the end might meet a very nice person, or at least receive a gold star sticker.
For those of you who would fail Hooked On Phonics For Dummies, I apologize for actually typing more than two sentences in an attempt to describe myself. Although the below novel may contain ridiculous humor and references to bizarre objects, the underlying message shows that I remain serious in finding someone ready for that stable (but not boring) family life. I spent 12 years with a supervisor, so I now seek a co-manager for that "happily ever after."
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Welcome to the official profile page of the unofficial, self-appointed, lifetime chair and couch of the Northernmost Northeastern South Dakota State Polytechnical University Department of Sarcasm and Dry Humor. If you believed the previous sentence, your personality resembles that of a primer 1980s Volvo 740 Wagon (styled after a large, rectangular cardboard box), or you joined this site to collect night stands (available at furniture stores and even garage sales) through "casual encounters," please complete Disgruntled Reader Form 247D in triple-spaced italic Russian for my office supervisor (dog) to process. For all others, please continue reading to obtain more relevant information.
Although I retain hope and my usual optimism to find someone wacky enough to appreciate me, I read comments on several profiles indicating that the odds of finding love online resemble those of Ronald McDonald attending the next Pink concert to sell Burger King chicken sandwiches while clad in a lime green suit, a purple shirt, a plaid IUPUI hoody, blue socks, and retro Air Jordans. At this point in my life, I seek the stereotypical American household with 2.3 children (Way to go, professional survey companies! Did 75.14 employees determine that number?), happy spouses, and well-behaved pets (mine needs some lessons in tolerating other dogs). I would love to find someone with a child or children already (I promise nobody hit me over the head with a frying pan before I typed this), but I welcome applications from all sane, intelligent, creative, understanding, energetic, attractive (not expecting a super model - just someone in decent shape who takes pride in her appearance), authentic (not generic like Great Value or Always Save), drug free, and 7,878,789,878,789 (the proper placement of commas between numbers indicates that I almost became an English teacher) other characteristics I will remember to add later individuals intent on experiencing the long haul (Mexico to Canada). I want an unparalleled (and unperpendiculared) best friend to complete me while equally contributing to the relationship. The list continues (Blah, blah, blah.... Calling all Hallmark sappy content writers) with someone to love, cherish, encourage, challenge me, grow spiritually, and provide enjoyment in even mundane daily tasks. If this sounds appealing, I encourage you to explore the opportunities provided by the train wreck (no loud horn and sometimes off track) known as me.
Many people call me a smartbass, but those who know me appreciate the "softer side of Sears (Remember those commercials designed to sell housewares in a store known for its electronics, appliances, and tools?)." I live life with an edge (not The Edge from U2 or that annoying song from Lady LaLa), and I refuse to alter my personality, morals, or values for anyone. This also means that I support important people through the thick, thin, and deli sliced (thinner). I believe every day provides opportunities to add value and memories.