31 Westland, MI
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
I hit 30 and lived. What more do you need to know?

I should put a disclaimer here and let you all know I am HORRIBLE at responding to messages. I don't know why, I just completely suck at I'm sorry. Please, bear with me.

It's a good thing I'm funny. I'm certainly not attractive. I've been single for the better part of 4 years, mostly of my own volition, and I'm not entirely embittered yet. I'm hoping I'll come around soon and realize this is all just a waste of my time. Here's to hoping!

My pictures are old. I'm DEFINITELY fatter now. Like, beached whale fat. Sea Cow fat, even. But I'm okay with that. One day I'll put up a new pic. Still healthy though. I just started exercising again after a 4 year break to drink. Totally not kidding, I found Traverse City and the wine it holds. I've spent the last 4 years drinking, tasting, and enjoying the beautiful thing that is Michigan Wine and Craft beer. Yep, I'm "that guy". whatever the fuck that means.

Science says people who fucking swear more are more fucking attractive. I must have a huge fuck-to-attractiveness debt ratio because I'm still single, and while physical attractiveness shouldn't be someone's main priority, I'm smart enough to know it's a big deal. The only person who has a problem with the way I look is you, sweetie. I'm going to go eat a brownie and have a glass of Chardy, you come back when you aren't a shallow cock.

Browsing 'Incognito' means you're a pussy, so grow some balls and browse openly. What the fuck are you afraid of?!

ENTJ, if you give a shit.

I'd put something dumb here like "I like to laugh and have fun", but really, I shouldn't have to--you should know.

I am VERY sarcastic. It's actually held me back in my job because I come off as a supreme dick to my employees.

I like upfront and honest people. Friendships and relationships certainly aren't depositions, but trust is a very important factor for me.

Supermarket Selfies of you in a multi-colored winter beanie make me want to kill puppies. All of the puppies. You're twenty-fucking-five...take off the hat and get a job, already....seriously....FUCK.
What I’m doing with my life
I just finished a 14 year run with Burger King and now I'm on my next adventure. My franchise(TEAM Schostak) bought rights to a new Fast-Casual pizza concept called MOD Pizza, based out of Bellevue, Washington. I opened the first of 25 in June, and am moving to Westland in hopefully 45 days. Why does it take 45 days to write a mortgage? Fuck if I know. *Update* I am moved in. Still single.

In my free time I'm either with friends or spending time with my little brother, niece, and nephew. They're all close in age, I try to spend 1 sunday a month doing something really cool with them.
I’m really good at
Managing a Business. I love it.
Being friendly :) I love talking to people. I am very outgoing.

I've often been told I should be a life coach. Apparently I am good at giving advice, but to me it's all common sense so I don't get it. I am all about helping people, but I don't think I want to make it a profession.

REALLY good at being single...yep. Been doing that a while now.
The first things people usually notice about me
I'm very bright, both in personality and intelligence. Most people get annoyed because I ask too many questions. I love to know how things work or why they work the way they do.

They also notice I am still single and literally the only person in my family who is not dating someone or engaged. I'm also the only faggot, so what does THAT say about you people? And I mean this seriously, most of my profile is farce and fun for everyone's enjoyment...this entire line is true. I am bombarded at every fuck family party about "who am I seeing?". It's usually the first question they ask and it's god damn annoying.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
There are more stars in all the cosmos than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of earth.

That's your hint.
The six things I could never do without
I could certainly never go without a fuck. I tend to give out a lot of fucks to a lot of people. No one ever has any, and I feel obligated to hand them out. It's my contribution to society.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I'm all for people discovering who they are and living their life, but IMHO the gender spectrum is just out of control. There are too many options, I can't follow it anymore. If you try to explain it to me, I'll probably fall asleep. And yes, that sounds insensitive...because it is. Fuck you and your fucking gender spectrum. When someone told me they were 'pansexual' I literally replied with "So you're attracted to bakeware?". That's how I feel about all of it. So take that noise somewhere else, please. Do you like penis? Do you like vagina? It's a yes or no. Get yourselves together, people...

Unless I am getting to know someone I hate focusing on the past. You will almost always catch me focusing on the future.

I love history, so I go OUT of my way to learn facts about both World and American history. I stop at all the Green History things Michigan has posted. Even if I'm by myself. At night. In a cemetery. on the edge, bitches.

Being single. Surprise, surprise.
On a typical Friday night I am
Right now it's working, I usually work saturday. I'm always up for dinner and/or a movie and/or a drink and/or a small roadtrip and/or breaking international law....oh see what I did there?(Just kiddin FBI don't taze me bro!)

Overall, I'm more likely to hang out on a Saturday night.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I recently updated my profile and I felt it did not have enough "fucks' in it. I subsequently added a plethora of fucks. We are, after all, in a fuck shortage.

is I'm willing to admit I have private things :D

And no you cannot have them!!

I firmly believe the word "Vagina" is the one of funniest words in the English Language and I do anything I can to ensure its use in my daily vocabulary. I am not ashamed by this nor do I make any apologies, I don't care how immature or unprofessional it may seem. All I can say is, don't be a vagina about it.

Also, I am REALLY good with names and faces, like CREEPY good. Like I saw your profile ONCE, with your picture, and 6 years later I come back to it and I still remember your name that you typed because this was your first time on a dating website and you were really naive and optimistic about your prospects. Now you're just a bitter whore, but I still recognize that smile and the way your eyebrow raises when your best friend takes that suprise picture of you that you're not prepared for and you're like "WTF Bestie??" and she's like "STFU Fag post it on OKC lololol" and you're like "OKAY BEST IDEA EVAR THAT'S WHY UR MY BESTIE LULZ!!!".

Seriously though, it's creepy.
You should message me if
If you like dates. I like dates. So if you like dates and I like dates, that means we should go on a date move in together adopt a cat then buy a house because I want a dog and most apartments won't let me have the dog I want then we can buy a car together adopt 3 kids and then GET MARRIED. We can talk about the 2nd date later. *Update* I have purchased a home.

Reminder: Still single.*hint hint*

This profile is very indicitive of my sense of humor, if you aren't getting it you won't get me. If you get offended easily, we're probably better off not getting to know one another. Sarcasm is my second language.

If you are moving forward in life at a moderate pace, and are looking for some company.

"I enjoy long walks on the beach, talking, and other general mediocre activities that are extremely unsuccessful at getting into your pants."

I sincerely hope you found my profile amusing. I love writing and being funny in particular, and I hardly ever have the opportunity to express. OKCupid is my canvas, and you are my little mice.

Test mice, if you didn't get the reference...