Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm not really good at describing myself. I guess I'm-
???: It looks like you're trying to write an online dating
profile. Would you like some help?
"Clippy?! I haven't seen you since 8th grade. "
Clippy: Where we used to crush essays!
"This is me trying to find love, not a dissection of whether Robert
Frost is alluding to more personal fears than the apocalypse in
'Fire and Ice.'"
Clippy: As I recall, Ms. Dawzack was pretty hot and
pretty impressed by that paper.
"Lead the way, clippy."
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I moved to-
Clippy: Use present tense to engage the reader!
Moving to Portland, four years ago, was-
..stands as one the best decisions I have ever m-
..best decisions... ever. It's not perfect.
But, a cubicle downtown, a theater at the pearl's edge, and tap
lists and free pool tables as far as the eye can see spreading out
the from there leave me pretty happy at the end of the day.
Clippy: Atta boy!
Even if, at the end of the day, I return to-
Clippy: Don't. Please. Just don't.
-what is nearly-
Clippy: I can't... even... watch.
Clippy: You were so fucking close. "New Message From: Are
you the one to save me from myself?"
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Generally speaking, I've got a pretty refined palette. The downside
is I spend a lot of time focusing on the flaws in anything I work
on. so it's tough to feel like I've really mastered anything.
: "Really good," is subjective. Interests and passions
should be enough.
, talking through ideas
polishing off bottles of wine as dawn breaks, meta-jokes
: Popular interests for your location include PBR,
hallucinogens and yoga. Consider adding these to your list.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
"You look like a young Momar Gaddafi." 1
"I like your shirt." 2
"You look like a guy who digs sexy ladies and cheap drinks! "
Clippy: Did you know- proper citation of interviews an
author has conducted off record require "personal communication,"
be listed as the source?
1. Becky, (personal communication, Jan 2011)
2. Various sources about various t-shirts (personal communications,
between Oct 2010-Mar 2015)
3. Street Advertiser Outside Spyce Gentlemen's Club (personal
communications, June 2013)
*Academic honesty dictates I should note: his observation,
while true, was likely biased.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
IJ is the top of my list-
"Infinite Jest, the definitive post modern novel."
Bret Easton Ellis
Clippy: Insincere and pretentious. What about
Vonnegut? Everyone loves Vonnegut.
Vonnegut (Assuming you understand "Everything was beautiful and
nothing hurt," trumps "So it goes.")
Clippy: Urg. You trashed the only literary quote anyone
knows. Congrats. What about movies?
Clippy: Oh thank God. I figured you'd reach for Godard or
I feel like watching science triumph over a forgotten god set a
tone for how I'd come to view the world later in life. The notion
that things, no matter how strange or perilous are comprehensible,
but our lives still require us to take risks when handling
Clippy: TV? You have one?!
The Wire, Breaking Bad, Hannibal, Louie,
Moral Orel season 3
Clippy: What? Even Tim Burton abandoned morose claymation.
Should I just autocomplete "you probably haven't heard of it," for
I like a lot of cross genre stuff. Mary Prankster, The Real Tuesday
Weld, Alabama 3, most recently The Baseballs.
Clippy: So that's a yes?
When it comes to food Chris Bianco put it best, " You fuckin' fill
in the blank, I love it."
Clippy: It's been awhile since you last saved your document.
We could both pretend this never happened...
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I. Intelligent conversation
A. Creative outlets
it's a list not an outline!
What symbol is that?
II. A way of undoing autoformating
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Someday Facebook will aggregate your sense of nostalgia. It will
compare how often and reverently you look back to how much you
appreciate the now and what you look forward to. It will look at
your data in relation to thousands of comparable lives and millions
establishing a baseline. It will then tell you precisely how far
behind you, your best days are.
Clippy: You could do the same thing in excel!
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
I’m an empty essay... fill me out!
Clippy: Leave one section blank to cultivate an air of
mystery and express a cavalier attitude.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm not as funny in person. Not at first. Not until we've built up
our own little orphan Annie secret codex of inside jokes. But after
that? I'm even better.
Clipply: Try to set reasonable expectations, both for
yourself and your potential partner. And now it's time to get out
your ROT 13 de-coders to find out who brought you this dating
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
: Be honest about what ou want in a partner.
You can help me upgrade from Windows 95.
: Really honest.
You wanna walk around and kick the tires of my
Either you love this profile or you don't. If you don't there are
plenty of shirtless douches copy and pasting the same old cliches.
But if you do, and you want to see how else we might click, then
take a chance. The rejection won't kill you.
: Press Ctrl-P to print your document...
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