BASICS: Basically (har har), my name is Tim. I've been tormenting Earthlings with my presence for the past twenty-seven years. I have a degree in Mass Communications from Sam Houston State University. I also heartily believe this sounds entirely too much like a game show introduction. (Big money! No whammies!)

DORKY: Yes, I too, embrace the title dork. Perhaps it's the endless hours spent playing games such as Mario Party, Super Smash Bros., Final Fantasy, Paper Mario, or a myriad of PC games. Perhaps it's the mild obsessions with Garfield and Peanuts. Or is it because I throw parties for events like the release of Star Wars movies? Like the mystery of Tootsie Roll Pops, the world may never know. However, it is (at least in my dream world) an endearing trait. What is wrong with being a little child-like, I say?

ADORATIONS:
- Blue Bell ice cream in many of its heavenly forms (especially ones with 'cookie' in the title).
- caramel macchiatos.
- reading.
- late nights with friends.
- Mario Party.
- alcohol in its girlier, tastier (or tasteless) forms.
- laughing so hard it hurts.
- the Wallflowers.
- good cries.
- cuddles.
- Star Wars.
- Ewan McGregor movies.
- any girly, sappy movies.
- days spent entirely inside malls.
- book stores.
- lemonade and cookies.
- writing.
- novel typefaces.
- pillow fights.
- screeching like a banshee. (This is my version of singing.)
- homemade hot chocolate.
- homemade chocolate chip cookies.
- anything chocolate, really.
- shoes.
- the ability to form coherent sentences.
- sleeping in.
- the professional line of Adobe products.
- daydreaming.
- hugs that say 'I miss you.'
- playing in the rain.
- Italian cream sodas.

PEEVES:
- student loan payments.
- popped collars.
- tobacco in all of its horrendous forms.
- internet shorthand.
- excessive punctuation!!! Is this really necessary?!?!?!?!
- ugg boots.
- arrogance, ignorance, and other generally annoying personality traits.
- littering.
- the word 'faggot.'
- just about any Microsoft product. (People who worked on producing IE, Outlook, Frontpage, and Publisher were obviously overpaid. Of course, there are exceptions; MSSQL databases seem efficient.)
- anything annoying, really.

EVEN MORE RANDOM, USELESS INFO: I'm a pretty happy and optimistic person (especially after a drink or two). I have a cat that I adore, even though she randomly attacks me. I prefer crunchy to smooth peanut butter. I eat grilled cheese sandwiches with ketchup. I drink pickle juice. I'm not good at deciphering poetry. I like to drive with one hand. I read a lot of contemporary fiction. I ran out of room for quotes on my Facebook profile. I can fix your WordPress blog, but I had trouble learning my manual can opener. (My kitchen was covered in olive juice. Oops.) I enjoy dancing and singing like a moron in my living room.

QUOTES:
"The bottom line is, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everyone else, but the difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time and if it's right and they're real lucky, one of them will say something." - Dr. Perry Cox, [scrubs]

JD [as Robin]: Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
TURK [as Batman]: It could be worse. You could be Alfred the butler.
JD [as Alfred]: Damn you, sir.
- [scrubs]

"A *little* bossy? If Jesus Himself appeared, you'd be telling him where to park his donkey!"
- Laverne, [scrubs]

"With love, there are no rules. The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters." - Paulo Coelho, "The Alchemist"

"Who's more foolish: the fool or the fool who follows him?" - Obi Wan Kanobi, Star Wars

"When the whole world fits inside of your arms, do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?" - Jack Johnson, "Banana Pancakes"

"Sometimes you're an angel, but you're usually a pain in the ass." - The Wallflowers

"Honey, those aren't people. Those are models." - Mrs. Rink, 13 Going on 30

"This is a great fairytale like Cinderella, Snow White, and of course the Congressional Deficit Reduction Plan." - Garfield, "Garfield & Friends"

"And remember, people who live in glass houses get embarrassed a lot!" - The Feline Philosopher, "Garfield & Friends"

"And remember, a bird in hand can be very unsanitary!" - The Feline Philosopher, "Garfield & Friends"

"Did you ever have a nightmare that you were a centipede and you had 700 children and you had to buy tap shoes for all of them?" - Wade Duck, "Garfield & Friends"

"Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show too!" - Garfield, "Garfield & Friends"

"Me? Jog? How long have you been into science fiction, fella?" - Garfield, "Garfield & Friends"

"I got brains! I got so many brains, I ain't even used 'em all yet!" - Rosco Arbuckle, "Garfield and Friends"

"I don't have money in that bank. I don't even use their toasters." - Garfield, "Garfield and Friends"

"I'm having one of those days. Actually, I seem to be having several of those days all at once." - Garfield, "Garfield and Friends"

JENNA: Paul Newman or Robert Redford?
LIZ: I've told you a thousand times. Newman, because I enjoy his salad dressings and lemonade.
- 30 Rock

LIZ: I've got some tricks up my sleeve.
JACK: Thatta girl!
LIZ: No, the cereal.. [shakes Trix out of sleeve]
- 30 Rock

"Frank, you can't just be gay for one person! ..Unless you're a lady, and you meet Ellen." - Liz Lemon, "30 Rock"

JACK: It's so embarrassing!
ELISA: More embarrassing than your CD collection? I never knew Michael Buble had so many albums.
- 30 Rock

JACK: Jenna, have you been drinking?
JENNA: No, Jack. I mean, I had a bottle of wine for dinner.
JACK: Can I smell your mouth?
JENNA: I thought you'd never ask!
- 30 Rock

"My grandpappy used to tell me great hammer stories... World 7-1, that was his 'hood." - Hamma Jamma, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

"The world is held together by the love and compassion of a very few people." - James Baldwin

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

"Where I'm from, we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it history." - The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, "Wicked"

"I am the Hillary Clinton of Uno." - CJ Maciejeski during the 2008 presidential primary campaign

"And two months later, Versace was dead." - Emma Pillsbury, "Glee"

"I hate those women! I want to put them in a bag and shake it and see who comes out first and who comes out last." - My grandma on soap opera characters

HEATHER: I needed that 1 to win. YOU'REE CHEATIIINGGG!
ME: And who are you? Oprah!?

"They stabbed a chicken nugget with a Sharpie! These are bad people." - Claire Foster, "Date Night"

"I'm sorry, Jeremy, but I have to go home now and fart into a shoebox." - Claire Foster, "Date Night"

VERONICA: You're always so moral. Do birds and mice dress you in the morning?
LINDA: No! ..But my dad does call me Princess, and I do have a grumpy dwarf in my building..
- Better Off Ted

"Oh, and change that answering machine message. Nobody wants to listen to 'Margaritaville' for five minutes." - Murphy Brown

I'm a customer service/technical support whiz to pay my bills. I just moved to Austin, and I'm working on getting into grad school to earn my Master's in Accounting and subsequently sit for the CPA exam. Quite exhilarating!

- spilling liquids.
- knocking things over.
- confusing people, including myself.
- saying awkward things.
- forgetting where I put my keys or wallet or chapstick or sanity.
- making fun of people.
- consuming vast quantities of soda or Kool-Aid.
- watching reruns of [scrubs] and Garfield & Friends.
- exaggerating. I'm super, uber, amazingly awesome at it.

As for things that actually come in handy, no, I'm not good at many of those.

You've probably already noticed the first thing that you noticed about me, eh?

BOOKS: "The Last One I Read." (That's from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by the way.) Other authors and books I enjoy include, but are most definitely not limited to:

- The Alchemist and most other works by Paulo Coelho.
- East of Eden by John Steinbeck (whose writing style I greatly enjoy).
- almost anything by David Sedaris.
- The Little Prince by Saint Someone-Or-Other.
- the Wicked series by Gregory Maguire.
- a lot of other contemporary fiction.

I also admit that I like some romantic chick lit (the books that have actual storylines and character development, not Harlequin).

MOVIES: I'm a child at heart, and I'm also a great big sap. I love kid movies and any type of romantic comedies. I also feel compelled to state that I have NO desire to see "Twilight" (because I don't like vampires, even though "he isn't scary," not because it's popular). I don't buy many movies, but the ones I do buy I generally watch many, many times (except for short lapses in judgment such as "Never Been Kissed" and "Sleepless in Seattle"). Some notables include:

- Wall-E
- Ella Enchanted
- Ever After
- Cinderella
- Cars
- Finding Nemo
- RENT
- Stardust
- Big Business
- Moulin Rouge
- Date Night

I do also enjoy some other types of movies, but they are not so fun the second time around, so I just see them at the theatre.

MUSIC: I was raised on oldies, and I know them better than a lot of the garbage that is recycled on the Top 40 stations (though I do enjoy some popular artists; I'm not that elitist about music). I enjoy music from the 90s and relaxed, laidback music. I find the upbeat songs on my iPod when I am driving and when I jog at the park. As with movies, I tend to play the same albums/songs/artists over and over and drive people crazy.

- The Wallflowers/Jakob Dylan
- Jack Johnson
- Pete Yorn
- John Mayer
- Hellogoodbye
- Owl City

TV: I mostly use my TV to play video games, but I have seen every episode of Garfield & Friends, [scrubs], 30 Rock, Murphy Brown, and Better off Ted.

FOOD: Mexican and Italian are my favorites. I'm really picky about food, but I like almost anything drenched in cheese. I have to admit that I'm not a very adventurous eater. I'm the guy who always orders the same thing (or one of a few things) once I have been to a restaurant a few times.

VIDEO GAMES: I know you didn't ask, but I play them a LOT, so I'm going to tell you anyway. I really like the Mario and Final Fantasy franchises, and I've played most of the games they're comprised of. I really like RPGs in general, but I don't play MMORPGs because I actually suck at video games, and then the people I party with get all mad when I accidentally make them die. (Whoops.)

- Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars (my first RPG and all-time favorite game).
- the "Paper Mario" series.
- the MarioKart series.
- Mario Party 5, 6 and 7.
- Karaoke Revolution games. I should note I rarely play these sober.
- Smash Brothers.
- Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix.
- Final Fantasy 8. (This was my first Final Fantasy, and I related to Squall.)
- Theme Hospital.

1) Video games. I'm kind of a Nintendo fanboy.
2) My laptop. Except I wish it was a Mac.
3) Transportation. Which I wish was not a Nissan pickup. But hey, it works.
4) Companionship. I heart my family and friends.
5) Autonomy. My hat's off to you military folks, but that just ain't for me.
6) Tweezers. Otherwise, my eyebrows will merge with one another and then plot to take over my forehead. You think I jest, but it's true.

- what grad school will be like. (Not the death of me, I hope.)
- how I'll write about certain events in my LiveJournal.
- how I can insert random words like "diatribe" into everyday conversation.
- how I would redesign things in Adobe InDesign.
- why people are unable to proofread. ("No Pet's Allowed" drives me nuts!)
- arbitrary things like, "Why did OKCupid pick exactly six things I can't do without? What is wrong with other numbers? What made six better?"

The same thing I do every night, Pinky!

This section is really dumb. If you're going to put something on the internet for the world to read, is it private? Um, no.

I'm pretty much an open book. However, I'm not going to write the whole thing at once (even though it probably seems like it after reading this profile).

Is it just me, or does this sound like the "Why should I hire you?" interview question? Who doesn't hate that question?

At any rate, I'm gonna pull a Sarah Palin and change this section to the following:

REASONS YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT MESSAGE ME:
- You're 80 and you want me to fly to New York to have weird kinky sex with you.
- If you're 80, really.
- Or if you just want me to have kinky sex with you. (If you just want to pay for me to take a vacation to New York, however, this is fine.)
- You're just going to say "Hey." Wow, what scintillating conversation.
- U tYpE lK dIs.
- You beat kittens.
- You sound like Binky the Clown.
- You use sex as an icebreaker. (Attractive celebrities are exempt from this, as I'd totally brag about that.)
- You want me to obsess over Twilight, Miley Cyrus, or Kelly Clarkson like you do. I don't enjoy soulless golems.
- You smell like poo. I don't enjoy poo, either.

If none of the above describe you, then by all means, feel free to message me.

P.S.: "This is just the tip of the iceberg.."