My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning,
can you believe that....2:30am!? Lucky for him I was
still up playing my bagpipes.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
Two cannibals are having dinner and one says, "I hate my
mother-in-law," to which the other responds, "Well, then just eat
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle
What do you call a sex-change operation for a woman to become a
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets
Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the
intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Graffiti written on a wall, "Make Bread Not Bombs"
The next day it is crossed out and underneath is written
"Tried Bread, Didn't Explode"
If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer?
Old is when:
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables hanging
around his neck. The bartender gives him the once
over and says "All right, you can stay, just don't
I'm not sayin' she's got buck-teeth, Bless her Heart,
But she could eat an apple through a picket fence.
Did you hear that Nabisco was opening a new plant
in the mid east?
They're calling it Cheeses of Nazareth.
Did you hear about the blond who failed her bar exam?
She thought Roe vs Wade was the decision George Washington
made when he crossed the Potomac.
I once dated a guy who was a magician. He put his hand on my leg
and I turned into a motel.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his grandfather in the
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
What's the difference between introverted engineers and extroverted
engineers? When you talk to introverted engineers, they look at
their shoes. When you talk to extroverted engineers, they look at
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A Manilla Folder.
Before I met my boyfriend, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd
stepped in it a few times.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button
and I'm still at work.
I'd like to meet the person who invented sex
and find out what they're working on now.
I'm super lazy today. It's like normal lazy,
but I'm wearing a cape.