I hate it when people say they can't be summed up in a few paragraphs. I hate it when people write about how they refuse or don't like to talk about themselves. I hate it when people make note of how individual they are. I hate it when people say things for irony's sake. I hate it when people talk about how smart they are. I hate it when people act crazy for the sake of it. I hate it when people take themselves too seriously. I hate it when people talk about how hardcore they are. I hate it when people say they hate labels but make up new words to describe themselves. I hate it when people don't listen to themselves talk. I hate it when people condemn ideas without presenting any viable alternative. I hate it when people say that violence never resolves anything. Like they never heard of slavery or Nazis. I hate it when people don't listen. I hate it when people use the word "quote" as a noun. I hate it when people say they are open minded but are really just naive. I hate it when people say they relate to Holden Caulfield. I hate it when people act emo. I hate it when people say they can't relate to people but socialize constantly. I hate it when people say they deserve things. I hate the way I can't relate to most people. I hate the way I feel like I live in a different world. I hate social situations because I have absolutely no idea how to behave. I hate how people have expectations of me. I hate how people think I'm crazy. I hate how the world was not meant for me. I hate how the world is not made for anyone. I hate how people made the world theirs. I hate how there is no right and wrong. I hate that I am a burned-out, drug-addled, amoral sexual deviant. I hate that I am a loser. I have no passion for anything. I feel nothing but the passage of time and the crush of ennui. I spend my days wallowing in the stench of desperation and murdered time. I am looking for something to look for. I am nervous. I am indifferent. I can't explain myself to you unless you already understand. You might not care. I'm impossible to please because I don't know what I want. I don't want to be defined by my interests, but I feel like the best way to talk about them is to list them. Ask if you're intrigued, I love feeling like I know what I'm talking about.

I am cynical, confused, and nervous

Nothing. Math. Insomnia. Wikipedia. Chess. Spider Solitaire. Sudoku. Drugs. [adult swim]. Yoga. Poker. Puzzle Pirates. I just finished a BS in Mathematics at The Ohio State University. And got banned from Puzzle Pirates.

Bitching. Pointing out the shortcomings of others. Pissing people off. Being confused. Wasting time. Math. I'm really good at a lot of things but not phenomenally good at anything. Rubik's cube. Board games. Trivial Pursuit. I don't want to sound conceited, but, I feel like my training in the hard sciences combined with my adventures in psychedelic drugs and meditation give me a unique perspective on reality. If you give me the slightest clue that you might be interested, and I don't hate you, I will probably start telling you what I think about things, regardless of whether or not you actually care. Girls always use this section to say they're good at oral sex. That's not possible. They can't all be good at it. Even if they were all good, the ones who weren't as good would then be "not good" just by comparative standards. But there are two ways to explain this apparent paradox. One is to say that oral sex is great, and even if you're terrible at it, it still feels pretty good. The other way is that girls just think they're good at oral sex because it's really shitty to tell someone who just went down on you that they aren't any good at it. Probably a bit of both, I suppose.

I look pissed off even when I'm not. I'm probably wearing a sweater that is entirely too big for me. Since other people are around, I'm likely on drugs. I probably look stoned, even if I'm not. I probably am not interested in talking to 90% of the people in the room. I am probably wishing I were somewhere else. I wear the same dark green XXXXL sweater every day. I'm not fat. My weight fluctuates a lot. I like to wear baggy clothing. I never wear a belt with the waistband of my pants down below my ass. I will go on long, unprompted diatribes for seemingly no reason. For example, Columbus Day is ethnocentric. Ethnocentrism leads to slavery, genocide, and economic and political exploitation. The only alternative is the rejection of Columbus Day. Failure to do so allows the government to continue to advocate this negative rhetoric condoning eurocentrism. These issues which we face cannot be conquered on the legislative level. Grassroots movements are key to solvency. It is critical to attack all ethnocentric governmental policies on the discursive level. I hardly talk to strangers at all, but when I am around people I feel comfortable with, I can't shut the fuck up. I can talk about almost anything for almost forever.

My old response made no sense because they changed the question on me.

(a) I don't read fiction anymore. I haven't since before high school. I read the newspaper a lot. I read wikipedia a lot. My favorite book from my childhood is Bridge to Terebithia. I like John Gardener's Grendel. Reading fiction sort of seems like a waste to me because I could be reading about something real. I don't really see movies because I have problems with suspension of belief. I'm noting this not becuase I feel like I need to explain myself to you, but because I want you to quit seeing movies, too. Recently, I've become more and more attracted to the idea of reading a novel. I don't know which one, specifically. Benjamin Disraeli said "When I want to read a book, I write one." Somerset Maugham said "The ability to quote is a servicable substitute for wit." I read a lot. I am constantly reading The Catcher in the Rye. I carry it around in my back pocket. I need my special one with all the passages I like underlined. I sit on the floor with my head between my knees and read it over and over and over and over.

(b) David Lynch. Quentin Tarantino. I see art/indie films sometimes. The last foreign film I saw was Goodbye, Lenin. I like Kieran Culkin in Igby Goes Down and Secret Lives of Altar Boys. Welcome to the Dollhouse. Sometimes I rent straight to video movies with big name actors that for some reason nobody has ever seen, like Bongwater, which stars Luke Wilson as a pot dealer whose house gets burned down by his crazy girlfriend. One of his roommates is Andy Dick, and Jack Black plays a drug guru/acid burnout. It wasn't bad.

(c) I hate it when people judge people on what music they like. The Mars Volta. Tool. Radiohead. I like to listen to the same song or album or band exclusively for weeks at a time. You will probably be surprised by the degree to which I do this. I don't think I have OCD. I used to play the piano, and enjoy classical music sometimes.

(d) I don't really see what this has to do with anything. I order a hamburger almost everywhere I go. I hate it when people give me shit about it. I enjoy oriental food, especially Thai.

You should also know that I do not read this section of other people's profiles, because I frankly just don't care. I'm sure you do have a lot of good books for me to read, but I'm really just not going to read them. You might even get me to take a book into my hand, and tell you that I'm going to read it. I might even give it back to you later and tell you that I did. But if this happens, you ought to know that not only did I never read that book, it's very doubtful that I even ever had any intention of doing so. If you want me to see a movie, and you can't physically trick me into it by putting it on a television that I'm already sitting in front of, then I won't ever see that, either. I'll listen to music if you burn me a CD, though, because it's much more passive. When people lend you DVD's, they ask all these questions about the movie, but when you borrow a CD, they just ask if you liked it, and maybe what your favorite track was. You don't have to analyze it or anything. People get all defensive if you don't like the same things that they do. It's probably because they've failed to form an adequate internal perception of their own identities, and have come to the unfortunate conclusion that one's preferences in the trivial realms of books, movies, music, foods, and television shows speak very strongly about the quality of their character. Sometimes you try to explain to someone how their attachment to Dr. Dre is impeding their ability to achieve enlightenment, and release themselves from suffering and transcend all physical existence, but it's never worth your while. Nobody ever listens. Ever.

I hate how this question is worded. I hate how people are going to pigeonhole me based on this six things I choose to select. I also think that "Things" precludes the choice of people. The Internet. My hat. My sweater. Masturbation. Drugs. Reading. I hate it when people who think they're cool for making a list of not-six things. Like they're too creative to follow directions as simple as "count to six." I'm aware that six is a completely arbitrary number, but it's just as arbitrary as seven or eight, so take your smug sense of satisfaction and shove it up your ass. I hate it when people list basic needs. Confirming their mortality. I hate it when people say they could never do without sex.

I think about what other people do. I think about how everything I think about has been thought about before. Postmodernism. Hyperrealism. Existentialism. DXM. Pot. Psychedelics. Orchestrated Objective Reduction. Consciousness. Pulling back the curtain. People don't realize how little overlap there is between what they perceive and what is real. They also fail to realize how little of reality they perceive. Putting spatial impossibilities aside, even if one could be everywhere at once, he still would only see less than a millionth of a percent of the emissions of the electromagnetic spectrum. Olfaction is a way to discern the chemical composition of a substance by putting it up your nose. Ask me about anything. I love to discuss ideas. How people get rich from doing weird things like making signs. Every now and then something really weird comes along and I think about it for a long time. Like in May, I asked my friend if she wore contact lenses, because she had the most incredibly striking blue eyes I had ever seen. It reminded me of another friend of mine who also had really nice blue eyes, only she wore contact lenses. That reminded me of this girl I had met this day in February I drank coffee for the first time in almost two years. This girl had the most amazing green eyes. Ever. Really. And I found myself talking to her for like ten minutes and just becoming completely lost in her perfect, green eyes. But then she blinked funny and I noticed that her contact slipped. Because she just had brown eyes. Not that there is anything wrong with brown eyes, but I then realized that I had spent all that time so utterly entranced with something that wasn't even real. And it made me think that every time anything good or beautiful ever comes along that it's just another contact lens waiting to slip. I once had a depersonalization episode caused by drug-induced psychological trauma from excessive use of dissociative hallucinogens. I spent my time in constant self-examination, on the brink of insanity. The more I doubted my madness, the deeper that feeling of oblivion became. I felt no ties to the corporeal. Sometimes I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. I felt like the only way I could correct it was to "unknow" what I had discovered. This discovery of the destruction of my self. The annihilation of my ego. But that effort of forgetfulness only breeds a purposeful shove to the front of my false consciousness. So there I sit, emotion muted to nothingness, unable to comprehend any feeling but the fear of fear, and the sheer, abject horror of nonbeing. The hands I see at the ends of my arms are not my own. I felt nothing in saying my own name. My eyes were vacant, my mind distant. Like no one is there. And no one ever was or ever will be. I went a month without drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine. It was hard. I only cheated once by accident with a Coca-Cola. The DP/DR ended after eight days. I got my stereoscopic vision back after twenty days. But I still have halos and I still have trails. They will take a long time to go away. And sometimes if I wake up in the middle of the night I have flanging. Sometimes I still get kind of freaked out if I get really stoned or drunk or coked up, but I think it's just my mind fighting against itself in regards to reality. Not that it's being fractured. I don't feel schizophrenic. I just feel like I understand things better. I really do know a lot of damn things because I think and read so much. And I have a pretty good memory. Just not always. I have a lot of interesting ideas, though. Even though they aren't all mine. I really hate when people say they spend a lot of time thinking about chaos theory, when they don't have one fucking clue what it is. Morons. Also, I hate it when people misspell their interests. It shows just how interested they are. Holy shit I hate people. I would be a misanthrope but I'm too lonely.

Out wrecked. No doubt. Typically at mid-sized gatherings. The real big parties don't really do it for me. I like being able to hear myself talk and being able to move. Maybe doing stupid shit like filling out this goddamned survey. I think it's making me sound really pissed off, though. I just think I have strong views, or something. I'm not actually full of hate or rage or anything. At least not the kind that makes people punch into walls or hit people. Although today I got pissed off at a video game and put my foot through the wall. But I blame that on marijuana-induced mood swings. But, still, I feel stupid. Violence never solved anything except two years of sexual tension with that girl I met in the lobby while trying to play chess on Vicodin. I hate when people use this space to say "There is no typical Friday night." That's bullshit. You can still generalize. Most of those people are probably just trying to make their lives seem more interesting than they are. Just because you went to a different bar with different people and drank shots instead of beer and then went to Steak 'n' Shake instead of Waffle House doesn't make it not the same Friday you just had. Everyone has routine to their lives. Denying the definition of "typical" is just a cheap cop-out answer to a perfectly legitimate question.

Once I dreamed I had sex with my cousin. I drank a half pint of Liquid Dawn on a dare. Two summers ago I had this horrible bacterial infection and I shit my pants constantly for like two months. Once I tried to fuck a pumpkin for twenty dollars, but I couldn't get it up because like six people were watching and I get performance anxiety. I don't know. I have done a lot of stupid shit. Way too much to put here. None of it is really that embarrassing. Except Saturday I bought three packs of Parliament Lights. There's just no excuse for that. No matter how drunk you are. Although I guess they do have one use. If you are confident, or if I think you are smarter or "cooler" than me, I will be very intimidated by you. I tell people I don't have a pic up because I don't want to be judged by how I look, but that's just what I say because I don't want to say I'm afraid of people thinking I'm ugly. People mistake my indifference for confidence, sometimes. I'm a very timid person. I live in constant fear of things which normal people brush aside with little more than passing thoughts. But I may seem like I have everything under control because I don't actually care about anything, so nothing actually bothers me unless I think about it. I usually think about suicide every few hours. Today I broke the shower rod trying to hang myself with a phone cord. I fell into a chair, and on the tile. It fucking hurt. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Once, I called a suicide hotline, but I knew the girl who answered, so I hung up. That made me laugh, too. I don't see how anyone goes without killing themselves, or trying, or at least thinking about it. It boggles my mind. Honestly. What the fuck do people live for? That's a rhetorical question, of course, because nothing is worth anything. Yesterday I got cum on my hand, and I didn't want to get up to get a tissue, so I just wiped it on the wall. I hate it when people use this space to say they'll admit to anything. Way to not answer the question, dipshit. If the most private thing you'll admit to is admitting to anything, you're either stupid or a liar. Either way, you should change your profile.

You want to talk about anything I might find interesting. You want to ask me questions. You want to play chess. If you want to talk about drug trips. If you feel depressed and isolated and you can't relate to your peers. If you think you might understand me or I might understand you. I hate it when people ask me to explain how I feel, because if you have to ask, you'll never know. NFFNSNC. If you don't mind potentially wasting your time, you might as well message me anyway. I'll respond unconditionally. It's just a matter of whether I'll want to have a discussion with you, or tell you what a fucking waste of matter you are, and enumerate all the ways in which the universe would be better had you never been born, until you decide to ignore me. Or, you could maybe stop doing whatever it is that makes me hate you. That never happens, but, it's the reason why I do what I do. And by that, I mean making everyone hate me by telling them what I think of them. I wrote this profile in three sittings. Mostly two. If you can differentiate between them, I will be really impressed. I hate it when people say "You feel like it." Really? I should do what I feel like? Are you sure? Now that I have your permission, I guess I will do the thing that I wanted to do that you can't stop me from doing. I also hate it when girls just assume that I want to fuck them. You can't turn me down if I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole. Don't flatter yourself, bitch. I guess the nice thing about it, though, is that it tells me ahead of time who is completely fucking insane. If you're telling me you're not going to fuck me as I read your profile on the internet, I'd sooner try to travel across the country on the dirigible that is your inflated ego than try to contact your conceited ass. You make me want to puke. Does this have my AIM on it or something? It should. I used to talk online a lot more than I do now. But I still do it. I like talking to new people on the internet. It's very low-key. I'm never going to check this site ever again. Or, actually, I do, I guess. I just wish I never became bored enough that it would come to that. But it does. I shouldn't really say "bored," though. Because I never really get bored. It's just that there come times when coming here seems like the best thing for me to do. I shouldn't use the word "should," though, either. Even though I just did. Using the word "should" implies some sort of overbearing moral code which mandates an action. That's bullshit. Do what you want. People always ask how they should construct sentences without using the word should. It's very easy. Instead of "You should wash your hands after using the restroom," say "Wash your fucking hands after using the restroom, you disgusting slob," or "Why didn't you wash your fucking hands?" or "You're fucking retarded if you didn't wash your hands." Now instead of indirectly referencing some arbitrary rule of conduct, you've demonstrably illustrated why it's important to wash your hands, as well as the consequences of refusing to acknowledge such a critical imperative. By stating the sentence as a conditional or an instruction, you personalize the suggestion, and give meaning to its supplication, rather than randomly assign the authority of its direction to some imaginary concept of morality. "Demonstrably illustrated." That's sort of saying the same thing twice. Oh well. Fuck it. Do what you want.