...or The Summary of Myself

Chapter One-*

I was born a fan of rollicking good times, heartpounding thrill rides, edge-of-your-seat action, madcap** hilarity, touching romance and anything else that might make my life more like a really good movie. And sleep. Movies don't feature sleep too much, but I like it just the same. You don't have to be glamorous for me Sleep.

*(I'm not kidding, this is a damn book you've gotten yourself into. And now that it's started, the Devil and all his crocodiles can't stop it 'til it's finished.)
**(Fun Fact-You have to be a licensed film critic to use the words highlighted above. I am not. I get into knife fights with vengeful movie reviewers all the time because of this.)

Other things that flip my happy switch-

My pair of Converse: I've never been crazy about shoes, but there they were, the prize I sought; Black and white Chuck Taylors with "Sailor Jerry" written on the one side and a tattoo,"True Until Death", on the other. They are my Excalibur, my Golden Fleece, my motherfucking drinking shoes.

Euphemisms: Ahh, the grandpappy of doublespeak and political correctness. Let's call something bad something else. It's not torture, it's "enhanced interrogation". You're not crippled, you're "differently-abled". It's not human flesh, it's "long pork". Sure it's evil, but it's so much fun it just has to be on my list of happy stuff(Can you tell I'm a George fan? Orwell and Carlin).

The assorted works of Monty Python: You might as well not even think of messaging me if you aren't a fan of at least one thing the comedic collective of Gilliam, Jones, Palin, Cleese, Idle and Chapman(bereft of life, he rests in peace) have done. We can't be friends I'm afraid.

Seattle: I live in Everett, but love and spend as much time as I can in Seattle. It's a sordid state of affairs.

Here are a some things that pull the angry trigger-

Republicans: I don't think I really need to expound upon this point. We all know they suck.

Democrats: I could be riding in a canoe on the Amazon river, surrounded by bloodthirsty piranhas and not worry about rocking the boat as much as some of the invertebrates in the House and Senate. They actually fear being accused of petty and spiteful politics by those who exhale pettiness and urinate spite.

The inevitable Quentin Tarantino cameo: Nothing takes the juice out of a good Taratino or Rob Rodriguez flick like the appearance of the former. He makes good movies and puts together even better soundtracks for them. . . . but his voice and acting make me want to throw a steel-toed boot at him.

I have a job that I don't want to work for the rest of my life, no matter how good I am at it. I'm evaluating my escape routes and making a plan.

My body is under construction; a bit of jaw surgery here, a personal training session there and Viola! I'm a ninja turtle!

A Spring trip to either Japan or New York is in the works, more details at 11.

There's this great little kid that I like to spend time with. He tells me that I'm awesome and handsome. It's hard to get quality objective assessments like that these days.

...withstanding the northwest winter. 20 degrees fahrenheit isn't all that frigid when you spend hours every day in a warehouse freezer at -8 degrees.

I love to read aloud and consider myself to be quite good at it when I'm on my game. I once read The Five Hundred Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins to my son, creating a different voice for each character on the spot, and never got them mixed up. I have skills.

I can pick up a dime with a forklift. To be quite honest, I am a Forklift Driver Extraordinaire, a Master of the Electric Mastodon.

I can pull apart a locked livestock gate at an abandoned farm so I don't have to climb over it.

I can steal a sweatshirt and hide it, then leave a trail of rhyming clues that eventually lead the owner to the place I stashed it.

I'm on the brute squad(or maybe I am the brute squad).

Most people also mistake the wires on my teeth for braces. They are actually the barbed wire surrounding a tiny machine gun nest beneath my tongue. Just one of the ways I deal with the legions of filthy, ignorant juggaloes that abound in Everett.

"Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"
-Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

"She said she used to want to go up to Mussolini, who had so many medals that they covered both sides of his tunic right down to his belt, and say to him,"After all you've been through, how can there be anything left of you?"
-Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut

"I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record"

-Kiss Off by The Violent Femmes

"Prepare the standard "Rich and Famous" contract for Kermit the Frog and company."
-Lou Lord, The Muppet Movie

"Well, they called me a little so and so and so, yeah
Now hummin' a different tune
Oh, this is a job for a stupid man
Smoke it down to the filter and put it out on your hand!"
-Glamorous by the Jesus Lizard

"My jeans faded, your jeans with holes in them, yet they're not this old. That's how we bought 'em. That's ridiculous. I say bring them to the homeless, let them age them. Then take it back, wash it, sell it. That way we can clothe the homeless, but we can still look down on them because they're not in style. We need classes, know your role."
-Daniel Tosh

"How can a train be lost? It's on rails."
-Jack Whitman, The Darjeeling Limited

"NO! NOOO!! I DON'T WANNA EAT THE TOASTY SOULS OF THE DAMNED!!"
-SQUEE by Jhonen Vasquez

"We get some rules to follow
That and this
These and those
No one knows

We get these pills to swallow
How they stick
In your throat
Taste like gold

Oh, what you do to me
No one knows"
-No One Knows by Queens of the Stone Age

"BLOW ME TO BERMUDA!!"
-Merlin, The Sword in the Stone

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."
-The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

"Hey, Goofball, look who's all neutered! You are! Yeah you're neutered, huh Goofball, yeah! Who's a neutered guy?!"
-Nathan Explosion, Metalocalypse

"It's a traffic jam when you're pulsing with hate
It's a no-smoking sign when you're engulfed in flames
It's like ten thousand spoons when you've been stabbed with a knife
It's finding the man of your dreams
And helping him murder his wife
And isn't it ironic... not a bit
Not even a tad ironic... Alanis doesn't know shit..."- Ironic by Alanis Morissette(I fixed it. It makes sense now)

"I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."
-Gen. Jack D. Ripper, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

I like fuud- BLTAs from the Honey Bear Bakery, The Smoker from Lunchbox Laboratory, Yellow Curry Chicken from Zab Thai, Dogfish Head 120 minute IPA, and, once upon a time, Pesto Mozzarella Breadsticks from Pizza Passion...RIP

"Boy, if you don't know how to scrape the wrapper cheese, they ain't nothin' I can do for ya."
-Me

"A tangerine is to an orange what a wolverine is to a wolf. Smaller and more intense."
-Gabe

1. Politicians that put the well-being of the citizenry before their own ambitions.
2. Citizens that are well-informed and interested in the political process of their country.
3. A press that makes the delivery of important and relevant information it's priority.
4. A capitalist system that wouldn't displace, despoil or destroy people to turn a profit.
5. Music and films that are creative, daring and very popular.
6. A pet that I can love, but that I don't have to take care of....

....hahahahahaha!! I'm gonna go find someone who'll put me to sleep with their kind boots.

...when not to seppuku. Some things just aren't worth disemboweling yourself over...

...what I'm supposed to get done next...

...what a shame it is that Terry Gilliam never got to finish "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote"...

...all the damn vampire movies, books and television series. How many more of these do we really need? Nobody's charting any new territory here.

...perhaps at work, perhaps at a movie, perhaps drinking booze with comrades, perhaps doing the latter AND watching killer fucking bands like Motorhead and the Reverend Horton Heat or the Jesus Lizard play their devil music for the enjoyment of the damned masses. Roll the dice and see what you get.

Some Fridays, after the dust has cleared and all the blood and guts are cleaned up, I head down to Beth's Cafe for a cheeseburger and some music.

I can get things done, but I'm not very goal-oriented.

I do think this trait is rather overrated... I mean, Captain Ahab was goal-oriented.

I want to die on the tusks of a zombie walrus as I plunge my chainsaw into it's mouth to save my son and the Dalai Lama. And I want it written on my headstone.

...you managed to read all the stuff I wrote. You go up a level! Enjoy the illusion of progress! Now you can play the special mini quiz. One of the following factoids about me is false(in fact, not a factoid)-

A. I have assisted a world famous professional wrestler in administering a beatdown to a hated rival.

B. My friends and I have been booed by thousands of British soccer fans during halftime of a game between Arsenal and Manchester United.

C. I have worn Ku Klux Klan robes.

D. I have been to Space Camp.

Send me a message with your guess and I'll tell you what's what and why.