My third all-time favorite movie character is Stiles from Teen Wolf. I am not even faintly like a rose. Vern knows what I mean. I cried when Artax succumbed to the Sadness. I once owned every Pauly Shore movie on VHS. Large Marge sent me.

In other news, I grew up in Mississippi, colleged in New Hampshire, short-order cooked in Florida, and live in New York, but all that's neither here nor there.

Novelist and grant writer. One pays the bills so that I can pursue the other. People tell me it's weird to write novels so that I can subsidize my true passion for writing grants.

I also regularly write and publish short stories, book reviews, and personal essays, making use of a generally unuseful MFA.

Raise your hand if your first inclination on how to fill out this column was to pretend "What I'm doing with my life" referred to Life, the cereal, and therefore answer, "Eating it."

I can do a pretty decent Chewbacca impression. Lately I've been working on my Kindergarten Cop. "Stop eating other people's lunches!"

I'm also great at losing my train of.

Breast size. Oh, wait! The first thing people usually notice about ME. Got it. My bad.

That would probably be my resemblance to Gob Bluth, especially when I'm doing the chicken dance, while eating at Chicken Dan's.

Movies: Magnolia, Children of Men, Casablanca, Forty Shades of Blue, Junebug, The Third Man, Out of Sight, Nashville, Fandango, The Squid and the Whale, Arthur (1981), The Conversation, Body Heat, The Long Goodbye, The Graduate, Bull Durham, Days of Heaven, Kicking and Screaming (1995), Five Easy Pieces, The Last Waltz, After Hours, Hud, Miller's Crossing, Husbands

Music: Big Star, Iron & Wine, Philip Glass, Portishead, Robert Johnson, Nina Simone, Tori Amos, Kanye West, The Rolling Stones, Bobbie Gentry, Feist, Bonnie Tyler, Beastie Boys, Arcade Fire, The Black Keys, Cat Power, Spoon, TV on the Radio, Kate Bush, Pat Benatar, Harry Nilsson

Television Shows: Arrested Development, Mad Men, Deadwood, Party Down, Battlestar Galactica, Boardwalk Empire, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Sopranos, Eastbound & Down, Freaks and Geeks, Reading Rainbow, Newsradio, Flight of the Conchords, Archer, Parks & Rec, Boardwalk Empire, Girls, Breaking Bad, Sherlock, Doctor Who

Books: Michael Chabon, Joan Didion, Renata Adler, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Nancy Lemann, Roald Dahl, Chris Kraus, Elmore Leonard, Donna Tartt, Ander Monson, Anne Michaels, Walker Percy, Marilynne Robinson, Ian McEwan, Matt Burgess, Jean Stafford, Richard Yates, Gary Lutz, Douglas Glover, Heidi Julavits, Janet Malcolm, Denis Johnson, Raymond Chandler, Cormac McCarthy, Lorrie Moore, David Benioff, David Mitchell, Amy Hempel, E. L. Doctorow, Don DeLillo, Sam Lipsyte, Barry Hannah, Katherine Dunn, Larry McMurtry, Mark Richard, Shirley Hazzard

1) Obscure movie quotes
2) The last line of The Great Gatsby
3) Narrative
4) Sentences
5) The zither theme in The Third Man
6) The White Album

"Friendship Bracelets" v. "Buddy Bands," "Excellent Adventure" v. "Bogus Journey," and why no one has started a fake company called "Samsa Exterminators."

Blandings Castle > Jeeves and Wooster

Also, that a good title for a feminist interpretation of Superman would be, "I Stand Here Ironing My Cape."

Johnnie Walker Red. Rocks. Keep the tab open.

It's impossible for me to reveal anything personal about myself. The first person I ever masturbated to was the White Witch in the animated version of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. See? Impossible.

you sometimes dream in the Aristotelian three-act structure. Or if you know the words to the Fresh Prince theme song. Or if you know the words to the Duck Tales theme song. Or if you've ever gone through an entire day accidentally wearing an article of clothing backwards.