"Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate." -- Bull Durham

I am a member of the sex positive community and have been in the swinger/poly community for almost 7 years. I am not against monogamy. I believe in marriage, love, honestly, and commitment. I believe the sex positive/ polyamorous community is trying hard to form a new kind of relationship model(s) that is actually applicable for the 21st century.

Last August, my then girlfriend and I went to PolyCamp. Many ideas I had had over the previous several years, finally came together. I understood what my "poly dream" was.

Poly/Relationship Dream: If you could have ANY kind of relationship you could image; what kind would it be? Any thing at all that you could image: one special person, a house full of special people, a network of friends and lovers but living with your own space. The more you think of it the greater the possibilities can become!

I thought about the times in my life where I was the happiest. I got an image in my mind. It took months really to flush out that image into this mission statement.

My poly dream: A wife to build a life with and a circle of friends were physical affection is as accepted as emotional connection. Friendship, laughter, and joy in relationships that improve our lives. Friendships were sex and physical connection is just another part of being close to someone.

I am getting closer to that dream. I currently have a few non-platonic friendships (including the before mentioned former girlfriend) were laughter, and support are found, jealousy is managed, enjoyment of life is encourage and sex is a healthy part of the relationship.

I continue to use OkC to find potential friends. I hope OkC will help lead to finding a special someone that will want to help build this dream together.

 

 

By the way:

The secret irony of polyamory? To master poly is to love, respect, and have integrity with yourself. To master polyamory (or any relationship) is the ability to be comfortable and happy volunteerally being alone.

 

My Self-Summary

Oscar Wilde once said, "Hell is other people." I am not one of the other people. I am a Renaissance man. Sure, any guy that can balance a checkbook is calling himself that, but I assure you I am the real deal. I am an artist, musician, dog-trainer, model, curer of deadly diseases, and so much more. If you want to find out more, you have to keep reading. This would be a great time to grab a snack or a drink.

 

What I’m doing with my life

I train pomeranians to fight crime. Do not laugh. Individually they are harmless and adorable. However, in a synchronized team of many they become slightly less harmless and unbelievablly adorable! Law breakers will know justice is upon them when they hear a chorus of high-pitched barks! Hypothetically, Team Pom! could trip a villian who wasn't moving at a speed of, say, greater than 5mph. Once down, the target would be nuzzled into submission by cold noses and furry faces. The team members thus far are as follows: Cuddles the Hunter, Trixie the Leader, Dot the Token Minority, Fluffy the Outcast, PomPom the Comic Relief, Mr. Yips the Token Foreigner, and Snuggles the Plucky Loveable One. Hopefully as science and technology progress I will discover a way that the pomeranians can combine and morph into a super-pom. I am currently working on the costume design and will hopefully have a picture up soon.

 

I’m really good at

Standing still. Really, I am great at this. My current record for holding one position without moving is 2hrs, 46min, and 17sec. My average pose lasts 1hr, 08min, 53sec. Modern Artists would kill to have a model with my talents. I am always training to improve my time. However I have taken a more zen approach to this talent and, like the Tibetian monks, do not let my art be to be saved. I will never perform in front of another individual and there exist no videos of my performances. You are just going to have to take my word on this.

 

 

The first things people usually notice about me

Some say that children and small animals can sense evil. I have no idea what kind of aura I am generating but the following groups seem to notice me sight unseen upon entering a room: penguins, people who have passed the bar exam, organ-grinders - but not their monkeys, and hypochodriacs. While the sample size is small, the reaction to me varies greatly.

 

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

I prefer to write my own books, film my own movies, sing my own music, and order take-out. The books are usually based on a premise such as, "How long can I go without using an article?" or "how many t's can I fit on a page while using complete sentences?" Orignally all my movies were film noir, but I have risen above that. Sometimes I only use primary colors. At other times I have the sound intermittenally cut out only to be replaced my humpback whale sounds. My music is primarly lip-synching. The take-out is usually curry.

 

The six things I could never do without

The laughter of little children. Sure it causes my ears to bled, but I am one of those who still thinks blood-letting has healing qualities. My Panda Suit. I have already mentioned that it brings me comfort and confidence, but maybe, maybe, one day it will make me a real Panda. Team Pom!. Not only do they make the world a safer place, but they help me improve my needlework skills as I try to fashion their tiny outfits. The Video of My Grandfather fly-fishing. It has taught me so much about life and love. Curry, it may be the perfect food. You, I could never live without you. Or, maybe, your sister.

 

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

I am more about how I think, then what I think. First, I like to think in a room where all the walls are mirrors while naked. I start curled up into a little ball. As I slowly unfold, I begin asking questions to no one in particular. With each question I raise the volume of my voice. I end the questioning when my neighbors begin pounding on the walls and commanding me to shut the hell up and asking their own questions along the lines of what the hell is wrong with me. For the remainder of the day I think about the questions my neighbors asked.

 

On a typical Friday night I am

I am online and wearing my Panda suit. I always wear my suit when online. Please note that the suit only makes me look like a Panda; it is not made of said creature nor does it turn me into a bamboo-eating beast. Once I have connected to the internet and donned my fuzzy apparel, I then pour myself some Cognac. Bolstered by fine liquer and a black & white exterior I now have the confidence to go seeking female companionship. Sometimes I light a non-scented candle as well.

 

 

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

I can give you a thorough description of what making love with me would be like. Picture an octogenarian fly-fishing. Now speed up this process by a factor of 5. You may want to see an actual video of this before you continue. Take your time, I will still be here. Ok, are you back? Great. This is a pretty good description, right? In case you were wondering that part involving the tying of the fly is also included. And the part when the fisherman reaches into the creel to search for another lure is apart of the experience as well. And when the fisherman appears to be lost and unaware of what is going on for a few moments? You guessed it, also part of the package. Waders on or off is your option , of course.

 

 

You should message me if

Just message me. I should mention a few caveats first. Yes, I will be wearing the Panda Suit when I read your email or IM. No, I will not coerce Team Pom! to save your city, but please send me any artist renderings of what you think they should look like. If I don't respond to an IM for a long time, it may be that I am in a still-life pose. Please wait for up to 3 hours from me to finish before I respond. No, I will not model for you - please, read above. Yes, I am available for bachelorette parties.

 

Another person's blog I read had a post about those people they loved. Their major heartbreaking loves. I feel at 30 I have had six love stories. I wrote them all out in the shortest version I could possibly do. So here it is. _________________________________________________

I have six love stories.

My first love (1995-96) was filled with hope, first times and all that goes with being 17. We were two depressive, writer teenagers teaching and learning from each other. We broke up when she changed medications. About 8 years ago, I finished my first book of poetry and sent her a copy. We restarted a friendship. Now, I hang out with her, her husband and step-daughter all the time. She is my best friend.

My second love (1996) was 180 degrees away from who I am. ... But my conversations with her were exhaustively complex, fast, and exhilaratingly intense. She was rebound and we only dated for a few weeks, but we have been friends for years. I miss that she isn't part of my current life.

My third love (1997-2004) was Ana... It was an unrequited love. For six and a half years I tried everything I could think of to make her love me. Ana never saw me as anything but a friend. After two years of waiting, during a time neither of us had someone else, I gave up. ... Actually, things got really bad… really bad… Like this is driving me insane, bad. … Finally, on April 5th 2004, I stood there and realized that I had said everything I would ever say to “A”. For six and a half years I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with Ana. Sometimes I thought as a friend; sometimes, I thought, as a partner. I was such a coward; I sent her a letter. I felt empty for a long time.

My forth love (1998-99) was the amazing one. Passion, danger, emotion. As a teenager she was the best poet I have ever met and one of the best I have ever read. We lived 250 miles apart. We would send tapes to each other. I would listen to her tapes in the stair well of the art building. Her voice filled the stairwell with her echo. When we made love, we would speak in poetry. It was poetry to hold her hands over chai tea on an August day. Our break up was a poem. For several weeks, I wanted to die knowing that life would never be that beautiful again. There was a morning when I woke up holding her. I felt the transcendental bliss that nuns and monks and Buddha talked about. It took me a long time to learn to forget that moment. ... She is married now. I wished her all the best when I found out. Everyone reads everyone's blog, etc.. She wrote back and thanked me for being her first. I couldn't get myself to write back to her. A friendship would be too difficult. 

My fifth love (2000-2002) was a woman I never treated as I should have. I took her love for granted. I treated her desire for me with contempt. I was in a horrible place. I hated myself and my life. I couldn't understand why she wanted anything to do with me. I caused her a great deal of pain. She tried to be friends with me again at one point. I cursed her attempt. I thought she was only there to show me how much better she was doing than me. I was again very foolish. I am sure if I tried contacting her I would just hurt her again. I feel I have even wrote too much about her here.

My sixth love was named Mandy (2005-2008). Mandy came into my life several months after I had given up on my Ana. I was jaded. I wanted everything but love. I needed sex. I had been waiting for a woman that would not love me. After two years, I was half-mad (and twice as annoying) with carnal lust.

Mandy had just ended a 3 year co-habitation with another woman. We both wanted nothing but the most casual of relationships. For months we had just that. We had sex with other people. We had sex together. Sometimes, I would leave the door unlocked just in case Mandy wanted to come over after being out for the night.

After 8 months we somehow became a couple. After another 4 months we were calling each other up for dinner plans every night. There was a year there were Mandy, her pomeranian Sophie and I were a family.

In March of 2007, we took a vacation together to Arizona, Seattle Mariner's Baseball Spring Training. On day three, Mandy felt a little sick. In April, we had a fight. It was our only real fight. It was about one thing, but it was really the "is this going any where" fight. Mandy was still sick. I told her we should wait until she got better before we made any decisions. In May, Mandy was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Mandy died on January 5th 2008.

Over the last several months I have gone back and forth between wanting sex (to the point of almost doing something stupid) and wanting love (to the point of almost yelling at teenage couples at the mall) to wanting to be alone. I thought no one could hurt me more than when my forth love left me. I cried and even drank sometimes to get to sleep. I wondered if I would ever love someone again.

When I finally broke off my relationship with Ana; I was crushed. I had spent months in a manic depressive state. At one point, I lost 15 lbs in a matter of days. I behaved so poorly that many of my friends wanted very little to do with me. I gave up my poetry, many of my beliefs and did some things I would never have done. Then Mandy got sick, and it got bad. It became nothing to cry in front of a room full of people while holding Mandy. I cried so hard I thought I would never stop. Sometimes I am so scared of what my next relationship will be like. Sometimes I am very hopeful. I have looked up all of my old loves. They touched my life. I wish them so much happiness. I really will never stop loving any of them. I honestly mean that. I also wish they would email me, because I miss them so much.