This being the fifth attempt to somehow make myself sound more
interesting to you, rather than simply answer the lame questions,
I've decided to buck the system and instead tell you who I am and
what I'm currently thinking: I'm challenged to find the right words
that will make you feel safe, interested, intrigued, and even
compelled to reach out and take a chance on contacting me. I'm sure
that you will have type-casted me before you finish reading this,
and more than likely, you won't spend the seconds to see what I've
done here in creating a smoke screen. And of course, if I blow it
in this section and don't keep your attention, you'll likely move
on and never get to know all of the truths about me, because likely
I'm going to sidestep direct questions here and avoid the adult
conversation. This may not be attractive to you, but for those of
you who have said in your profile, "I want a guy who is fun and can
make me laugh," hopefully you can get a glimpse of what's in store.
Trust me - I'm trying to entertain you here, so relax, pour a
glass, and enjoy the show.
The net is, I'm a safe, sane, successful, experienced, content,
tested, inquisitive, open, and normal guy who you likely would
appreciate if we met somewhere - where you could feel my vibe and
"get" what I'm all about. Like if you were standing behind me in
line at the Whole Foods listening to me banter with the Clerk. Or,
we were on the same tour through a haunted house and you got to see
me as well as hear me. I'm athletic, work out daily (yoga and
elliptical) and respect my body, just as I would appreciate you
respecting yours. I spend my work days interacting with all types
of aggressive intellects and definitely get labeled as an
extrovert...but don't be fooled by that facade... Get to know me
and decide for yourself...
What I’m doing with my life
... is pretty much like everyone else in the world - trying to find
a balance in everything that I do. I don't take myself too
seriously, even though I have a serious job. I likely should be
more serious. In fact, I promise to take work more seriously, if
that will make you feel better about me and take a chance. But,
likely you'll realize that I'm just kidding and am already serious
enough. Wait, I'm kidding, I'm never serious.
Or am I...
I’m really good at
... spotting psychos, nut-jobs, head-cases, and fakers from across
the room. Hopefully you are good at that too and will know that I'm
none of them. But, if you are any of the above and you try to buy
me a drink, I'll expose you in front of all of your friends and my
family - as I always travel with my family. And your friends. See
my point? I'm good.
The first things people usually notice about me
... is that I'm older than I look, and I'm all over the map when it
comes to interests and fascinations. I love commitment and
dedication, but you'll rarely see me doing the same thing over and
over again, unless it involves spending time with you. Or playing
with my Clown Puppet collection. If we get real close some day,
maybe I'll let you watch.
Yeah, I'm skeeving myself out now...
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
See, this section is designed to make me look like either an
intellect, or a putz. But why is it that you see the dopiest
meat-headed guys with beautiful women? Do women like putzes? If so,
my favorite book is "Curious George Rides A Bike," and my favorite
Movie is "Dumb and Dumber." If you are looking for an intellect,
then my favorite book is "The Bible" (King James Version, natch,)
and my favorite show is "The History Of Earth" on "The National
Are you really going to form your opinion of me based on what I
mindlessly do to take me away from the complexity of my day? Would
you judge me if I told you that I love vegging out to some Crab
Fishing show that allows me to not think for 45 minutes (my Tivo
skips commercials,) or if I'm ellipticaling while seeing who is
voted off of the island or out of the house? My job feeds my
intellect and my Freudian super-ego, but it also requires me to
critically think and make some tough decisions - day in and day
out. At this stage of my evolution, when I'm not working I want to
turn it off and not have to think for a while. So, Yes, watching a
bunch of muscle-heads argue over what exhaust to put on a custom
motorcycle gives me a chance to "turn it off" for a moment.
Of course, so would some connection/conversation with the right
woman. Come on, like me because when you are with me, you feel so
inspired that it causes you to dream of doing something big, and
because you feel safe, loved, and respected. Don't like me because
I can Google "Impressive Books" and paste the top 20 here...
The six things I could never do without
... are a half dozen Blackout Donuts from the Doughnut Plant in the
Chelse Hotel. And two mini bottles of Rumple Minze. Wait, that's 8
things. Can I count the donuts as one thing or is this being graded
by Units of Measure? Cause if it is just considered One Thing, then
I want to add Chicken to my list. Good Chicken, not some lame
shake-n-bake-home-cooked version. Yes, good chicken cooked in Lard.
With a pressure cooker, not just a regular frying pan. And of
course donuts. As many as I can take with me. And Rumple Minze,
cause it's making a come back. At least in my house, it is. Is
someone going to check my pockets to make sure I didn't bring seven
things? If not, I intend to take more.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
..if I sound like a total loser or jerk in this profile...
I'm sure some of you are thinking that I'm not taking it
I assure you: you are correct.
In the long run, I doubt that you are going to like me more because
of my answers to these questions.
You will like me because 1) what I look like somehow makes you feel
safe and you can picture me reaching for your hand when we walk; 2)
my sentence structure is acceptable to your standards; 3) my sense
of humor resonates with you - in fact, makes you crave to know
what's really under the facade; 4) you can see past what I'm doing
here with this profile; and 5) you recognize that there is a much
more elevated guy here than the one trying to impress you with the
places he's been or the death-defying activities he's
Maybe YOU should be the one thinking about it...
On a typical Friday night I am
... wondering if going out will make me look cool, cause what I
really feel like doing is just spending the evening with someone
that I care about, with whom I am willing to let down my walls and
let her get to know the real me, and wind down and reconnect from
the busy week we just had.
But watch out Saturday Night, cause I'm gonna bust-a-move like
there was no tomorrow... or maybe we'll just keep winding
down...and finish eating the Blackout Donuts...and reading
impressive books to update this profile.
Cause that's how I roll...
And since you will get tired of me soon enough, I need to start
working on my upgrade strategy.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
... is that I really do spend a lot of time thinking about if this
profile will make me sound like a jerk. I bet you are sorry that
you asked for a private thing, eh? Or maybe you wanted to know
about the time that I accidentally wore brown socks with black
shoes. I know, it's horrible, right? Maybe I shouldn't have
admitted it...Rats, my backspace key doesn't work. Now what?
You should message me if
... when you look in the mirror, you can honestly say that you are
not a stalker, psycho, nut-job, gold digger, or a big liar...come
on, be honest...are you a bit of a nut-job? I know that you are hot
and have mad chicken-pot-pie-making skills, but don't-cha think
that maybe you should rethink messaging me since some of you
"women" are really named Steve and live in your mom's basement and
have a rather pronounced Adam's Apple?
But of course, you should message me if you get my attempt at humor
here in my profile and recognize that I'm a bit more private than
an online dating site allows for. I'm hoping that we get a chance
to interact, then we'll both know if we should continue, or hit the
road. Actually, we both don't have to hit the road. Just one of us,
to make it official and all. Or we both could, for drama. On second
thought, maybe you should just message me anyway and we'll figure
it out together. By together, I mean you, me, and the New York
Institution for the Criminally Insane. See, I told you I was going
to out you, Steve...