You love to laugh. I get it.
Your friends and family are super important to you. Congrats for being human.
So in the interest of outright honesty, I'm gonna tell you the things that you, in all probability, won't like about me. If you still want to message me after you've read it... sweet, I guess.
Here we go.
-I will judge you. People who say that they don't judge are lying. What they think they mean is that they won't judge you immediately based on your outward appearance or their first impression of you, which is completely counter to human instincts. I will straight up judge your qualities and your flaws, and I expect/know you will do the same.
-I'm going to assume I'm smarter than you until you show me you have some actual rumblings going around in your brain. Holy shit, that's arrogant, I realize. After reading so many of your profiles, it's apparent that a lot of you do the same, as you should, because the vast majority of people are idiots, and that's okay. I like thinking, I have opinions on everything, and I won't date someone who doesn't know how to formulate an opinion. That being said, if you can show me that I'm wrong about something, I will fully admit it, change my opinion, and my respect for you will increase exponentially.
-I've been teaching English for a long time. I don't expect you to be a perfect speller, but I do expect you to have a basic understanding of your mother language.
-I don't think tattoos are cool, nor do I think they are uncool. Your ink does not impress me. Be real; you paid money for someone to paint your skin. If it's beautiful art, awesome. If not, whatever. If it's "strength" in Japanese, because you need a reminder to be strong, I may or may not laugh in your face.
-Cameras are reserved for truly memorable moments. Your lunch is not a truly memorable moment.
-If you say you hate people who take themselves too seriously, then your list of hobbies is "running, hiking, skiing, gym-going, salad-making, pentathalon, and protein-shake-drinking," guess what? You're taking your shit a bit too seriously. Have a beer and loosen up.
- I like to drink. I like to play sports and games. I like informed discussion and witty banter. I like to travel. If I'm comfortable with you, I will be sarcastic. If you get no sarcasm from me, I'm not yet comfortable. Apparently, writing this fucking profile does not make me comfortable.
-Music is not important to me. Never really understood why this is so difficult to grasp. I like the stuff I like, but it's a fairly limited list, and I rarely listen to music when I'm alone. I realize most people are different. That's cool.
-You're most likely not a nerd, so seriously, just stop saying it. Being a real nerd involves crippling social anxiety, ostracism and bullying. Wearing glasses, liking sci-fi and playing vids do NOT make you a nerd. Stop glorifying something that other people suffer with.
I guess that's it for now. It's late, and I'm just as sick of meeting vapid snobs as you are sick of meeting douchey meatheads. If you're just as jaded on this whole dating scene as I am, maybe we can meet for a beer and plan our world domination.
PS- I've included a tiny Easter Egg somewhere in my profile (the internet kind, not the chocolate kind). Not for any reason other than puzzles are fun.