CALL ME ISHMAEL.

I'm trying quite hard not to be self deprecating in this introduction.

I think I'm kind of funny, creative, I write songs...a lot of songs...and I have a fun poppy rock band named TROUBLE'S AFOOT. I sing and play guitar and keyboard, though not extremely well. I also play ukulele and accordion, though not extremely well.

I give OKCupid people free reign on my internet stuff, so here is my band's myspace page if you're curious:

www.myspace.com/troublesafoot

I also draw cartoons and have a bunch of sketchbooks. I went to film school and have a bunch of student films. Don't worry, they're actually pretty enjoyable, I think. I have a great group of friends. I have a blog where I review black and white cookies. It gets a disturbing amount of hits. Check it out!

http://blackandwhitecookiereview.blogspot.com/

I like stuff that is admittedly dorky, like Pogo and Popeye comics from the 30s, and Batman, and nerd music (they might be giants, etc.) But I try to keep it under control.

"With fries like these, who needs onion rings?" - Matt Koff

I like making up new ice cream flavors (see "food" section below.) Surely you want to do this with me. Lately I've been watching a lot of TV series in order, thanks to my friend's scarily endless DVD collection. Surely you want to do this with me. I like compulsively updating and changing the tone of my okcupid profile. Surely you want to do this with me.

Pleading not guilty on parking tickets. Sending in photos, evidence, etc.

Cuddling my cockatiel. That's not innuendo. It's actually what I'm doing.

Oxcarbazepine.

I just took the "Pizza test" here on okcupid and a massive wave of depression washed over me. Oh god. Oh god.

Playing Lego Batman for Nintendo DS and being stuck on level 2 for three weeks because apparently I'm a moron. But I can't light up the red ice cream cones to make the big ice cream vat stop!!! Help!

Squeezing.

Making up palindromes - (okcupid? I puck! o!)

What are YOU doing with your life? Huh? What's with the 3rd degree? Back off! Hey! Where you going? Come back!

"At an autopsy the other day I watched the medical examiner saw off the top of a man's skull, take out the brain and hold it in his hand...I'd give my soul to take out my brain, hold it under the faucet and wash away the dirty pictures you put there tonight!" - Kirk Douglass, "Detective Story

I just watched this movie. Now that quote will be in my profile forever.

I feel weird saying what I'm reaaaally good at. I think I'm good at easing up on the brakes when I'm driving. I think I'm good at memorizing song lyrics. Writing songs quickly on assignment (I wish I was paid to do this.) Writing extremely lengthy e-mails analyzing character motivations and themes from "Buffy." I'm good at drawing almost every Simpsons character. I'm good at apologizing (ladies...???) I'm good at getting along with animals.

The blood...all the blood.

Music: They Might Be Giants, Talking Heads/David Byrne, Violent Femmes, Frank Black/Black Francis, XTC, The Smiths/Morrissey, Gloria Deluxe, Soul Coughing, Beatles, The Misfits (static age mainly), Rheostatics, Magnetic Fields, Young Fresh Fellows, Camper Van Beethoven, "Weird Al" Yankovic (I sing along very loudly in my car to "Weird Al" songs, it's true) "The Show Must Go On" by Leo Sayer, Pinataland, Yo La Tengo, April March, Beck, Devo, Odds, the Turtles, Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet, Sean Altman, Laura Cantrell, Proceed To Small Talk, Dead On A Friday, Polaris, Special Friends, Three Lonely Guys, Ben Folds, Sally, Dream Bitches, the Monkees, Beetlejuice soundtrack, the music from the first Castlevania.

Movies: Kubrick movies, David Lynch (especially Blue Velvet, Fire Walk With Me and Mulholland Dr.), Brazil, True Stories (my favorite movie), The Wrong Guy, Psycho, Shaun of the Dead (it is a perfect movie), Dog Day Afternoon, Ghostbusters, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Robot in the Family, The Cat Who Held A Press Conference, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Big Trouble in Little China, Being There, Candle, The Last Detail, The Trouble with Harry, Detective Story, Messiah of Evil, The Cat Who Ate A Dictionary, Ghostbusters, Tim Burton (up to Ed Wood), Coen Brothers (Fargo, Barton Fink, A Serious Man, etc), Holy Mountain, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, The Cat Who Went to the Parade, Anchorman, Spider-Babe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsccwQLNX7Q), Cannibal! The Musical.

TV Show stuff: Freaks and Geeks, Simpsons, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Angel (only up to season 2! NO SPOILERS!), The Office, Lost, Undeclared, X-Files, Futurama, Mission Hill, Ren and Stimpy/anything John Kricfalusi, Kids in the Hall, Newsradio, Seinfeld, Mr. Show, Batman the animated series, Justice League (Bruce Timm in general), The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Battlestar Galactica, Dollhouse, Whitest Kids U Know, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Dexter, Firefly, Twin Peaks, Ninja Warrior, Scare Tactics, Hell Date, those shows where they show you how candy is made, South Park, Sopranos.

Books: I used to work at a bookstore and read a lot. I don't as much anymore. I read like ten books about the Beatles. Cat's Cradle, Clockwork Orange, Lolita. The Time Machine Did It, The Exploding Detective (anything by John Schwartzwelder.) I grabbed a bunch of Shakespeare books and want to read them but my brain is scared. Soon, though.

I tried resisting answering this question using comic books and that lasted about 2 days. "Graphic novels" and comics by Daniel Clowes (Ghost World, David Boring, Like A Velvet Glove Cast in Iron, Ice Haven), Alan Moore (From Hell IS AMAZING, SWAMP THING, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Killing Joke, Watchmen, Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?), Peter Bagge (Hate), Sam Kieth (The Maxx, etc), Batman/DC-related (Detective Comics, Kingdom Come, The Long Halloween/Dark Victory), Garth Ennis (Preacher, The Boys), Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Mike Allred's X-Force, etc. Am I turning you on yet?

Food: I like oreo cookies a lot. Oreo cookies in coffee ice cream. Amazing. Throwing some pretzels in there don't hurt either. And caramel. Be right back.

"A slightly bruised apple, is perfectly fine. A bag of soft carrots. Some old cooking wine. Triple X sherry. The double X eyes. Anything more fancy just ain't necessary!"

Pizza, 1-Ups, fingers, pajama pants, swords, and toilets

What celebrity should play what Batman villain (William H. Macy should be the Ventriloquist!!!!)

"And love is real. And though I realize this is not a deep observation to those of you who find it necessary to conceal love or obscure it, as is the fashion." - Camper Van Beethoven

Time travel rules/limitations/paradoxes.

OKCupid rules/limitations/paradoxes.

Cereals. Quality comparison. Cereal mascots. Etc.

F G Am G F G C

Should I buy that muffin? It will probably fill me up too much...but it looks good...and if I eat it I'll be good on not needing food for a long time...so I should get it...but do I really want it...? Etc, etc.

What I'm doing On a typical Friday night. I hope okcupid asks me!

You.

Daylight come and me wanna go home.

http://www.mathsisfun.com/games/connect4.html

Exhausted from work, but sometimes forcing myself to go and hang out with friends. Or watching a movie with friends. Or going bowling with friends. Or sitting by myself in my room, making sad faces.

I see a lot of comedy shows, sometimes I play open mics (vomit), sometimes I have shows I perform where I sing in front of friends and strangers and people smile at me and stare.

Virtual driving around the country using Google maps street view.

Sometimes I join my friends in a bar that I don't feel comfortable in. And I oggle stylish girls I could never talk to. Sometimes I watch Buffy (edit: now Angel) with my friends. Sometimes I practice with my band (I'm cool like that) or record music at home. Sometimes I lie in bed and kiss my bird's tummy. She deserves it.

"Dear friends, would those of you who know what this is all about please raise your hands? I think if God is dead he laughed himself to death. Because, you see, we live in Eden. Genesis has got it all wrong. We never left the Garden. Look about you. This is paradise. It's hard to find, I, I'll grant you, but it is here. Under our feet, beneath the surface, all around us is everything we want. The earth is shining under the soot. We are all fools. Ha ha. Moriarty has made fools of all of us. But together, you and I, tonight... we'll bring him down." - Justin Playfair, "They Might Be Giants"

My 100% serious answer? Here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eYNhArmNlc

DO IT! DO IT! QUICK! BEFORE THEY FIND OUT! Shhh...nobody's looking. Well that one guy over there is looking, BUT FORGET ABOUT HIM. And that cat is looking. BUT WHO CARES. He's just a cat! Do it!

I enjoy getting messages on OKCupid. Usually. From girls. Girls interested in dating guys. Girls interested in seriously dating guys. So do it. Or don't. It's entirely up to you. Let's go on... ::sprinkles confetti::....a date.