i knew things would come together.
life always seems to work out like that..
so many beautiful intricacies beneath the surface of our realities.
i want more people to know how easy it is to be happy...
we have complete control over our futures and the things that happen to us; everyone just needs to realize that.
just smile and the world will smile with you.
being angry and miserable is entirely a waste of time and energy.


this is my (your) life,
and it is a wonderful thing.
and i (you) will make the most out of it.


and he helps me do that :)

and we will always find each other...

step by step.

life will be normal again eventually.

so i'm going to be lazy and copy an older post from another journal.
my life isn't interesting enough for me to write at length about.. and my thoughts have been stifled as of late.
so here it goes.

just a random sampling of different entries. kind of mixed up and not at all in a logical order, really.

"Haha, so odd to look back and see all of my old and depressed posts.
Of course, I'm much more eloquent (I believe) when I'm feeling moody enough to think about my words.

just reflecting on my old entries... picking out parts that i liked...
i'm glad i've resolved so many of my old problems...


the skyline was beautiful on fire.
all twisted metal stretching upwards.
everything washed in a thin orange haze.

i said: "kiss me, you're beautiful -- these are truly the last days."

you grabbed my hand and we fell into it like a daydream or a fever.

Where are the rational, sensible, and down-to-earth people?
Sans materialism,
sans motives,
sans high expectations.

I refuse to succumb to such despondency.

No matter how much I write in this journal or converse with others, something within me insists that there's more to express. Something that really needs to be solidified, put out there, and made tangible so that I may identify it for what it is and perhaps change for the better. I just wish that I could decipher my subconscious and have it neatly printed out on a report for me.

I'm unsettled. I'm always restless in this small town. But will that change when I move to somewhere more exhilarating? Can new people really remedy this discomposure? I am at odds with myself.

Time spent alone serves only to remind me that I am solitary; Time spent in the company of others reeks of indifference; Drugs are utterly unsatisfactory; Religion is trite and adolescent from what I've experienced. Expedient escapes, all of them. So what is a lost little girl like myself looking for?

That is the ultimate question.



if there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path i've chosen here,
i certainly would've walked away by now.

people sometimes wonder what they would do if they were to lose their sense of sight or hearing.

but what if you were to lose your sense of touch? hypothetically, that is. you were fully able to move and function normally but you could not feel anything.

never to feel the distinctive texture of anything or feel close to anyone... it'd be sort of as if you were in a dissociative state... floating, almost... could you still feel pressure? the wind blowing against you? could you be passionate without touch?

I am stuck in the middle... Trying to cut my ties to the past (although sometimes I wonder if I really want to) and forging a trail into my future. I've discovered lately that I really have no idea of who I really am... I have yet to face the self and I think it frightens me to do so. However, I am as prepared as I ever will be; I just have to keep my mind from evading the subject. It likes to slip into its old habits and forget what's really important. I am prepared for a long, strange journey and I hope that I am successful, although it won't be easy. I wish that more people understood these things... but we all do what we have to do.

people take themselves so seriously so early in life. every incident seems like a momentous ordeal and everyone goes on about how alone they are; that no one understands them. the separation and isolation we feel is only real if we make it real. the natural human reaction to pain is barriers to prevent vulnerability. this separation is an illusion created by us alone.
and then, once we find someone to share ourselves with, we want, expect, and try to get them to fulfill our expectations and needs. we latch to them so that we can feel a sense of security, so much that we forget simply to enjoy being with them. we can't expect someone else to make us happy. although isolation can be depressing to say the last, we must learn that ourselves and ourselves alone are the generators of our happiness.
stop with the teenage angst. it really is unbecoming!

grow up. learn to accept diversity.
it'll make you a better person if you experience what's outside your immediate scope of knowledge.


why do some things have to mean so much. everything is relative. everything is relative. everything is relative. or is everything connected? why are things always put into extremes? where is the gray area? i like the gray area. there is a safety net there.

i have so many goddamn questions that i feel like sleeping until this teenage hormone-imbalance is over and done with.

someone told me that to truly love others, you have to first love yourself. i'm not sure how to do that.
i don't know where to start.
i don't buy into that putting little messages on your mirror for affirmation and telling yourself 'i love you' every morning. all that humanistic psychological bullshit does nothing for me.
there really doesn't seem to be an answer. it's something i have to figure out for myself.
but somehow i feel that i put so much of myself into loving others that i can't love myself.

Mikey: I don't really undertake great despairs anymore
Mikey: I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not
Me: i don't know that i could succumb to apathy
Mikey: I'm not sure if we should speak of it as succumbing
Me: depends on what sort of apathy we're talking about, i suppose
Me: you have chosen yours, have you not?
Me: it's different that way...
Mikey: hehe
Mikey: maybe
Me: i don't know. i think that we have somewhat different perspectives on some things
Me: but it's nice to hear yours
Mikey: it's all in the justification



i wonder if i could ever really do what i want to do in life
with all of my barriers and aspirations of perfection in the way....
i could just another tragic mark of untapped potential.
maybe not even that.


I'm not sure how I sometimes forget the beauty of life... how one can get lost in a given moment, imprinting itself in them for at least a night, if not their whole lives. The meaning of life presents itself every day; people just mistake the instance as the ordinary and nothing of "eternal importance." I feel that I'm so close to finding it, but I know that it will only be a mild realization rather than a life-changing epiphany. However, then I will be able to cherish every day as I cherish those moments.

it's odd how much people need validation, confidence, love. is there really a biological need? it's been imprinted in us through our ancestors that survival comes easiet through teamwork and the forming of societies, but do we really need it? what if we were all to live isolated... would we degenerate? is there really a human "spirit"? my friend mikey has put a sort of nihilistic view of mankind in my mind. but i'm not sure that i'm comfortable with it.

i don't know WHAT i'm comfortable with. i want someone who will sit in their pjs with me and play video games and watch movies, and then walk with me through the streets of seattle while we indulge our spontaneous whims. i want good friends. i don't want those carbon-copies i see roaming the streets around here. where can i find good people?"

that you live at your workplace?

it's disconcerting.


makes me sad that i don't want to visit a place i used to love to go to..
maybe i should work at a place i'd never visit otherwise.


this journal isn't a real journal..
i just write random thoughts in two or three sentence spurts when i'm bored and on this site. la dee da.

i would love to move to amsterdam..
or hell, even canada.
i'm just scared for the future of the good 'ol us of a
although our forefather's values have been lost for awhile,
now they're being completely disregarded.

sigh.


* i am aware that amsterdam is not a country ;)

i really don't care about this journal.

i'm caught between believing that our purpose is to be self-serving and giving myself to the randian philosophy of individualism.. and believing that we are here to better mankind as a whole. but who says that we can't do both simultaneously?


i wish i had enough energy to explain myself more fully. i'm am simply out of it tonight. and don't expect anyone to read this anyways.

but i doubt that i will ever divulge them in this journal.


i want someone halfway interesting to contact me on this site.
i want some friends in the area.
(there are plenty of interesting people 5000 miles away but i don't want to spend my life sitting at a computer)



anyways, blah blah. bored.
bye.