I fell down an elevator shaft. I went to jail for 5 days in North
Dakota on the week of my birthday. I got strip searched at the
Canadian border. I got drunk and let my friend tattoo "I<3FUN"
onto my left arm. I didn't get drunk and paid someone to tattoo
Slimer eating a pizza onto my right arm. I got drunk and lost my
virginity and got my first kiss at the same time in a tent in the
woods when I was 15. I had to physically pull a doped up prostitute
from the passenger seat of my car one time because she just got in
while I was stopped. My girlfriend dumped me because I wasn't
gothic enough, or at all. I got my phone stolen in Hollywood and I
sprained my foot when I kicked a chair that turned out to be nailed
down. I almost unintentionally set my ex-girlfriend's apartment on
fire. I found almost $700 in a dresser that was for sale at a
Salvation Army thrift store. I ripped my arm open when I knocked on
a glass door too hard. I was falsely accused of shop-lifting
(though I'd done it enough already to have it coming) at Wal-Mart
and had to pick up trash on the highway and clean out horse stables
in typical "chain-gang" fashion for about a week. I got assaulted
by the entire high school hockey team (I was asking for it). I went
to register for college classes and realized that I had forgotten
to send in my application, so I lied and said I had and they just
let me in. I shot my friend with a Roman candle. He shot back. My
good friend asked my big high school crush on a date to the movies
and she went. I sued my landlord and won. I let my friends punch me
in the face until I had a black eye. I drove to New York to see a
girl and brought her roses and candy and she dumped me. My dad
busted down the door when I was taking a crap and beat the hell out
of me and then realized that I had nothing to do with whatever it
was that he was mad about. My sister and I got my mom way too
stoned one Christmas and she freaked out. My friend picked a fight
with a bigger kid and then told everyone that I picked the fight,
so they all made me fight him after school instead, while my little
sister watched. I got an ant farm as an early Christmas present one
year, but my dad fucked up trying to put the ants in and ended up
spilling them everywhere and stomping on them until there were only
like three or four left. The first puppy I ever had choked to death
just three days after we brought it home. One of my high school
drinking buddies got hit by a train. The kid who was my best friend
in kindergarten is in jail for beating someone to death. A kid I
used to cautiously hang out with sometimes due to his persistence
is in jail for helping his friends kill his great-aunt for
inheritance money. I was smoking a cigarette before high school
graduation and I realized that the procession had started, so since
my last name is Brady, I had to run all the way across the gym to
the front of the line to get to my spot. When I ran through the set
of doors, something snagged my gown and it ripped.
I guess I'm pretty accident prone.
I am neurotic, super, and duper
What I’m doing with my life
What's my life doing with me?
I’m really good at
Disappointing people. Making people laugh, I think. Understanding
why you are feeling this way.
The first things people usually notice about me
Maybe that I'm Italian. Probably how I dress.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books - I have a morbid fascination for a lot of magazines.
Newspapers. Obvious counter-culture authors like Vonnegut and
Kerouac. Anthony Bourdain. Books about bands and music or things
that affect me. Comics.
Movie - Bill Murray movies. Kitchy cult flicks. Quotable stuff.
Music - Rolling Stones, Jonathan Richman, northern soul
Food - Sushi, pizza, yumyumyumyumyum
The six things I could never do without
Murray's pomade, crazy women, quotable quotes, a sewing needle, a
telephone, good food
I spend a lot of time thinking about
On a typical Friday night I am
"One step ahead of ya, Sunshine!"
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I started my bank account because I thought one of the tellers was
cute. Yeah, like the Jonathan Richman song. Only I hadn't heard it
You should message me if
I'd honestly rather you didn't.