Oh, hi there. I'm looking for new friends *nearby*, as I have very few in Kitchener -- my friends keep scattering all over Canada and drinking over Skype isn't quite the same!

I tried being really sensitive and sweet, you know, like a decent person trying to draw in someone lovely, then people started sending me vile dreck, like all I needed in my life was a dick joke and a tit compliment. So forget it, the most awesome people who write to me: let's get some wine and shit talk other drunk people from the duck park/nearby bench/identity-shielding rows of bushes. Don't be alarmed by that invitation if you get it: you just won the grand prize of a complicated idiot new friend.

You have to be really patient with me and my demented-ass brain, but I buy good b-day gifts and give okay-to-mediocre shoulder rubs with no ulterior motives and let you babytalk my cats with only minimal ridicule so it balances out to being a pretty good friend overall. Plus, I like doing anything you like doing! You can boss me around & make me carry your groceries & open your beers -- I like to feel useful. Once I have a close friend, I would do anything for him/her, I just run really hot/cold at the beginning. *HUGE ADORABLE SHRUG*

Circling the runway.

http://www.mandatory.com/2012/11/13/ok-cupid-an-exploration-into-just-how-low-some-guys-will-go/

http://okcgoldmine.com/

Non-answers.

"Shitty tattoos" (thanks, Mom) and "dyke hair" (thanks, dude screaming from car).

While in Walmart, certainly not that I do not work at Walmart. Aghast dorks: I'll shop at Canadian-owned boutiques when cardigan clips stop costing $30 yet fall apart like China's finest all the same, and social work is synonymous with a five-figure income.

Lots, but we can save disagreeing about every TV show except Breaking Bad and Dexter at a later date.

Cats, things that are bad for you, things that are bad for others.

Immediate physical needs. Cats. Sense the theme.

existing on a Friday.

I love the police. This is by no measure an invitation to strangers to challenge me on it, so your hugely embellished stories about how you fought the law with your drunken fists & sobs and got Tasered impotent are falling on deaf, laughing ears. They've done more for me than you have, so don't even start with me, Son.

I'm a mama's girl. My dad's alright too, but he makes a lot fewer jokes at my expense.

Receiving mail is a singular pleasure. I seriously react physiologically to it and with shaking hands, I open my third tampon sample of the week. Thank you, world.

I only recently learned how to use matches but all the same call people leptons if they use Strike-Anywheres.

Is that enough? I think it makes me sound like a huge creep, so I guess it's the perfect amount.

... you are a woman looking for a female friend and think we'd get along, or at least have a great time bickering.

If you are a guy with no history of mental insanity or violence who'd like to have a few drinks, laugh like goons, and see where it goes.

Just use your best judgment.