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swirlofgirl

29 F Battle Creek, MI

My Details

Last Online
Today – 8:58am
Orientation
Bisexual
Ethnicity
Other
Height
5′ 11″ (1.80m)
Body Type
Curvy
Diet
Mostly vegetarian
Smokes
Yes
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Sometimes
Religion
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Sign
Leo, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Dropped out of space camp
Job
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Strictly non-monogamous
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Has dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Sign Language (Okay), French (Poorly), C++ (Poorly), Other (Okay)

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My self-summary
I love this profile. I really, really love this profile. It's kind of my masterpiece... as far as self-aggrandizing, narcissistic, online pseudo-biographies go.

I've lived all over the place, mainly SW Michigan; parts of Indiana; Portland, Oregon; and New Orleans. Sometimes, I travel across the United States for periods of time. I might come through your town. I live where I want to, for varying lengths of time depending on my ever-changing whims. I'm a big fucking GEEK. I'm kinda butch.

I'm pansexual. Actually, I am many kinds of queer and totally ok with it. The way I feel about my gender is unclear even to me, but I know it isn't binary, even if I do present female most of the time.

I don't consider myself "poly" and I don't want a triad or quad or any unicorns, I'm just not a big fan of monogamy. I find it restrictive and unnatural. To quote subrosaseditio: "This equates to an availability of "potentially yes" and an exclusivity rating of "absolutely not." I enjoy intimacy in many forms.

My best friend is an American Pit Bull Terrier named Church. I found him in New Orleans, in the wake of Hurricane Isaac, and he's really important to me.

Hey, I can't smoke weed. I mean I really do not care if you do, but I can't, so I guess if that's a huge enough part of your life that you mention it in your profile a bunch, you should know that I'm allergic. I just can't, you know, partake.

I like simple things. I like rain in the summertime, I like road trips and hashbrowns and fabric softener. I like the feeling of grass under my feet, jeans with paint on them, a good minty lip balm, and an awesome cup of coffee. I love singing, and getting letters in the mail, puppy breath, brass bands, writing with a really good inkpen, bonfires, pit bulls, swamps, and thunderstorms. I fucking love Christmas lights when it's not Christmas.

I am confrontational, a little pretentious, exceedingly un-diplomatic, ridiculously impulsive, cynical, jaded, presumptuous, disdainful, and vain. However, I am also nurturing, caring, creative, lively, tender, sensitive, amiable, honest, loving, tough, loyal to a fucking fault, and given to caring for the underdog. I like to think things even out.

Ceci n'est pas une auto-résumé.

I am fuck, shit, and stacked
What I’m doing with my life
Basically living in my dog's fart cloud for the rest of my life.

Figuring shit out, in a rapid succession of minutes and moments. I'm allergic to the routine. I am deeply unsatisfied with my life if not sating my epic wanderlust. My life is somewhat out of the ordinary, and I have pretty thorough knowledge of the world around me not through reading but through personal experience. I'm fascinated beyond reason by that which I don't yet understand... that includes drugs, alternative lifestyles, interesting body mods, places I've never been, and MUCH, MUCH MORE!

I'm a gamer. Mainly console, but I've been known to jump into a PC game here and there (Like Terraria!), and I do enjoy me some tabletop gaming as well (D&D, Settlers, Risk). I'm also a Linux user (Ubuntu), which is sort of like a game... heh. I haven't been able to play games in a long while, and it fucking sucks.

...I will OWN your ass at some Tetris. That's a guarantee.
I’m really good at
Being the editor from hell, getting sick a lot, writing, painting, tripping over stuff, tripping over nothing, assuming the worst, coming up with really far-fetched and inane schemes, calming people down, public speaking, pissing off cops, correcting people, karaoke, making out, being loyal, making a myriad of coffee drinks, driving in snow, making people blush, yelling really creative obscenities, doing impressions of animals. Especially cats.

Cooking my way into your heart: I'm a pretty kickass cook, especially when it comes to breakfast. I'm also extremely skilled at making Something out of Nothing, also known as culinary bullshit.

Know what else I'm good at? Making EPIC FUCKING NOVELS OF PROFILES!
The first things people usually notice about me
I'm pretty tall, my hair is (whatever color it is when you're reading this), I have "non-traditional" piercings, I'm "ethnically ambiguous", I usually smell awesome. So, probably one of those things.

I'm fat. I don't think that's an insult. It's how my body is shaped. I have hips and tits and an ass, and I'm body-positive, and fuck you if you're not. I'm most certainly not a "BBW". I hate that term, and I refuse to use it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
(a) Steal This Book by Abbie Hoffman, Everything's Eventual by Stephen King, White Noise by Don DeLillo, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Neil Gaiman, Robert Heinlein, David Sedaris, Eirean Bradley, Craig Clevenger, Junot Diaz, Christopher Moore, Chuck Palahniuk. Alan Moore is God. Graphic novels and comic books are a passion. I read a lot.

(b)A Clockwork Orange, American Psycho, Ghost World, Reservoir Dogs, From Dusk Till Dawn, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Secretary, Sling Blade, The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou (I have such a boner for the Coen brothers), My Cousin Vinny, The Pick of Destiny, Shawshank Redemption, The Pianist, Talladega Nights (I'm serious), Dead Man, The Royal Tenenbaums.

(c) There's way too many to list here (Because then you'd be skimming. Nobody likes a skimmer.) You'd be hard pressed to give me a genre I can't name an artist that I love from. Here are a few: The Pallbearers, The Cramps, Immortal Technique, Fiona Apple, Outkast, Fat Stupid Ugly People, Black Flag, Erykah Badu, The Dresden Dolls, DRI, Thou, Supertramp, Ella Fitzgerald, Anal Cunt, Agent Orange, The Faint, NIN, Type O Negative, Off!, Boston, The Weeknd, Red Fang, Kylesa, Dwight Yoakam, Al Green, Foreigner, Dead Kennedys, Patsy Cline, James Brown, Municipal Waste, Timber Timbre, Childish Gambino, Magrudergrind, Weekend Nachos, The Queers, and RjD2. Got it? Most of all: Sean Na Na, TV On The Radio, Dax Riggs and Slim Cessna's Auto Club. WEEN. WEEN. WEEN.

(d) Lebanese, Indian, Sushi. Avocado + sesame oil + sliced tomato + toast = heaven. Carrots with Annie's Goddess Dressing. Garlic in everything. Spinach erryday. Coffee. I'm not even kidding, I drink so much goddamn coffee. Sometimes I accidentally get dehydrated because I drink so much coffee. You know how sometimes people's eyes glaze over and they drool a little when they're talking about the best steak they ever ate? That's how I feel about fresh veggies. Fruit and vegetables are the best things in the world. Except bananas. Fuck bananas.
The six things I could never do without
Coffee, stuff to read, my shitty dog, the internet, makeup, alliteration.

Six things I could do without: People who are shitty to service industry personnel (You're going to hell), bananas, white-people-dreadlocks, chewing with your mouth open*, breed-specific legislation, and fanfiction.

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds." -George Carlin

*If you chew with your mouth open, don't even message me. It won't work. I know it's ridiculous, but the sound... the sound. It makes me angry and panicky. My very best friend, whom I would die for, might chew with their mouth open, and in that moment, I would hate them with a passion unrivaled. It's called misophonia. Sorry not sorry!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Taking a shower before I actually do it, things I want to smell like, what I smell like right now, makeup, the complete subjugation of drama, physics (seriously), arguments, whether or not I can live on tortilla chips/hummus/coffee.

Throwing all my shit into someone's trunk and running away. I would say I'm thinking about that last one about 80% of the time I'm awake. Probably a good portion of the time I'm sleeping, too.
On a typical Friday night I am
More likely than not: sitting at home, curled up with Church, sifting through Netflix on the TV and reddit on my laptop, drinking coffee.

I might also be out singing karaoke, or drinking coffee and playing nerdy games with my friends.

Depends on my current mood.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car, I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby my head was so big they did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan and it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Okay, seriously though. I don't shave my armpits and I don't care how you feel about it. I have psoriasis. You might notice it, depending on the current severity. No, it isn't contagious. Don't be a dick about it, please. I lost my virginity to a Juggalo. Yes, I'm still ashamed. I hate anime.
I’m looking for
  • Guys and girls who like bi girls
  • Ages 18–42
  • Near me
  • For new friends, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
If you want to throw all your shit in the trunk of a car and run away, like, tomorrow. I'm serious.

If the sole purpose of your life is not to create an inescapable, swirling vortex of drama so all-encompassing that it engulfs everyone around you and draws them into your sad, pitifully meager existence so that you may interpret their horrified, slack-jawed disbelief as a form of attention. However, if that sounds maybe just an eensy-weensy bit like you, please locate the "Back" button on your browser and never, ever look back. Ever.

If you'll shit on my chest for good luck. *NOTE TO MOBILE USERS: it probably doesn't show up for you, but this is a link to a video. I definitely don't actually want you to shit anywhere near me. Boundaries, y'all.*

I'm not looking for anything serious. Really. My days in Michigan are numbered to say the least, I'm not monogamous, and I don't believe in marriage. I'm looking for a friend-with-benefits at the very most... emphasis on the friend. I realize some people may see it as counter-intuitive, but even if you're super hot and dtf and everything, I don't fuck people I don't like. I mean come on, I'm a girl on OkCupid. I can afford to be choosy.

I don't abide bigots- racists, misogynists, sexists, homophobics, transphobics, whatever. I don't want anything to do with people who fit these qualifications. Please stay out of my life.