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swirlofgirl

30 New Orleans, LA Woman

Woman

I’m looking for

  • Everyone
  • Ages 18–42
  • Near me
  • For new friends, short-term dating, casual sex

My Details

Last Online
Online now!
Orientation
Bisexual
Ethnicity
Height
5′ 11″ (1.80m)
Body Type
Curvy
Diet
Mostly vegetarian
Smokes
Yes
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Sometimes
Religion
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Sign
Leo, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Dropped out of space camp
Job
Other
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Strictly non-monogamous
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Has dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Sign Language (Okay), French (Poorly), C++ (Poorly), Other (Okay)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
This profile is my masterpiece... as far as nebulous, self-aggrandizing, narcissistic, online pseudo-biographies go. Eff the Meyers-Briggs... it's silly!

Sometimes, I travel across the United States for periods of time. You might find me in your town! I live where I want to, for varying lengths of time depending on my ever-changing whims. Big fucking geek! Kinda butch!

I'm pansexual. Actually, I am many kinds of queer and totally ok with it. The way I feel about my gender is unclear even to me, but I know it isn't binary, even if I do present female most of the time.

I don't consider myself "poly" and I don't want a triad or quad or any unicorns, I'm just not a big fan of monogamy. I find it restrictive and unnatural. To quote subrosaseditio: "This equates to an availability of "potentially yes" and an exclusivity rating of "absolutely not." I enjoy intimacy in many forms.

My best friend is my ex-partner, and he's very much a part of my life in many different ways. We have an awesome relationship. If that bothers you, you don't have to read any further, and I won't hold it against you. Good luck!

My other best friend is an American Pit Bull Terrier named Church. I found him in the upper 9th ward, in the wake of Hurricane Isaac, and he's really important to me.

I do have a partner who lives in France for the time being, until February. I have another partner who lives here in New Orleans. Yes, they're both really awesome, total babes, and they're both aware of one another.

Sometimes simple things are the best things in the world. Rain in the summertime, road trips and hashbrowns and fabric softener. The feeling of grass under your feet, jeans with paint on them, a good minty lip balm, and an awesome cup of coffee. Singing, getting letters in the mail, puppy breath, brass bands, writing with a really good inkpen, bonfires, happy pit bulls, swamps, thunderstorms! Christmas lights when it's not Christmas! SENTENCE FRAGMENTS!

I'm confrontational, a little pretentious, exceedingly un-diplomatic, ridiculously impulsive, cynical, jaded, presumptuous, disdainful, and vain. However, I am also nurturing, caring, creative, lively, tender, sensitive, amiable, honest, loving, tough, loyal to a fucking fault, and given to caring for the underdog. I like to think things even out.

Ceci n'est pas une auto-résumé.

I am fuck, shit, and stacked
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Basically living in my dog's fart cloud for the rest of my life.

Speaking of dogs: walking them. I'm self-employed and it would seem, a business owner. I walk dogs and pet-sit to earn my livelihood… I have to admit, it's pretty great. Actually, it's really great. Sure, I work 7 days a week and I ride like 400 miles a day in the hot sun... so worth it, though.

I'm allergic to the routine. I am deeply unsatisfied with my life if not sating my epic wanderlust, even just by checking out new parts of the city. My life is somewhat out of the ordinary, and I have pretty thorough knowledge of the world around me not through reading but through personal experience. I'm fascinated beyond reason by that which I don't yet understand... *yet*.

Being a gamer. Mainly console, but I've been known to jump into a PC game here and there (Like Terraria!), and some tabletop gaming is enjoyable as well (D&D, Settlers, Risk).

...I will OWN your ass at some Tetris. That's a guarantee.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Being the editor from hell, getting sick a lot, writing, painting, tripping over stuff, tripping over nothing, assuming the worst, coming up with really far-fetched and inane schemes, calming people down, public speaking, pissing off cops, correcting people, karaoke, making out, being loyal, making a myriad of coffee drinks, driving in snow, making people blush, yelling really creative obscenities, doing impressions of animals. Especially cats.

Cooking my way into your heart: I'm a pretty kickass cook, especially when it comes to breakfast. I'm also extremely skilled at making Something out of Nothing, also known as culinary bullshit.

Know what else I'm good at? Making EPIC FUCKING NOVELS OF PROFILES!
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm pretty tall, my hair is (whatever color it is when you're reading this), I have "non-traditional" piercings, I'm "ethnically ambiguous", I usually smell awesome. So, probably one of those things.

I'm fat. I don't think that's an insult. It's how my body is shaped. I have curves, and I'm chubby, and I'm body-positive, and fuck you if you're not. I'm most certainly not a "BBW". I hate that term, and I refuse to use it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
(a) A few favorites: Steal This Book - Abbie Hoffman, Everything's Eventual - Stephen King, White Noise - Don DeLillo, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Diaz, The Beach - Alex Garland. Authors: Neil Gaiman, Craig Clevenger, Junot Diaz, Christopher Moore, Alan Moore, and a shitload of others I just accidentally deleted somehow /RAGEQUIT

(b) A Clockwork Orange, American Psycho, Ghost World, Reservoir Dogs, From Dusk Till Dawn, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Secretary, Sling Blade, The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou (I have such a boner for the Coen brothers), My Cousin Vinny, The Pick of Destiny, Shawshank Redemption, The Pianist, Talladega Nights (I'm serious), Dead Man, The Royal Tenenbaums.

(c) There's way too many to list here (Because then you'd be skimming. Nobody likes a skimmer.) You'd be hard pressed to give me a genre I can't name an artist that I love from. Here are a few: The Pallbearers, The Cramps, Immortal Technique, Fiona Apple, Outkast, Fat Stupid Ugly People, Black Flag, Erykah Badu, The Dresden Dolls, DRI, Thou, Supertramp, Ella Fitzgerald, Anal Cunt, Agent Orange, The Faint, NIN, Type O Negative, Off!, Boston, The Weeknd, Red Fang, Kylesa, Dwight Yoakam, Al Green, Foreigner, Dead Kennedys, Patsy Cline, James Brown, Municipal Waste, Timber Timbre, Childish Gambino, Magrudergrind, Weekend Nachos, The Queers, and RjD2. Got it? Most of all: Sean Na Na, TV On The Radio, Dax Riggs and Slim Cessna's Auto Club. WEEN. WEEN. WEEN.

(d) Lebanese, Indian, Sushi. Avocado + sesame oil + sliced tomato + toast = heaven. Carrots with Annie's Goddess Dressing. Garlic in everything. Spinach erryday. Coffee. I'm not even kidding, I drink so much goddamn coffee. Sometimes I accidentally get dehydrated because I drink so much coffee. Fruit and vegetables are the best things in the world. Except bananas. Fuck bananas.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Coffee, stuff to read, my shitty dog, the internet, lipgloss, my giant keyring.

Six things I could do without: People who are shitty to service industry personnel (You're going to hell), bananas, white-people-dreadlocks, chewing with your mouth open*, breed-specific legislation, and fanfiction.

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds." -George Carlin

*If you chew with your mouth open, don't even message me. It won't work. I know it's ridiculous, but the sound... the sound. It makes me angry and panicky. My very best friend, whom I would die for, might chew with their mouth open, and in that moment, I would hate them with a passion unrivaled. It's called misophonia. Sorry not sorry!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Taking a shower, what color I should dye my hair next, things I want to smell like, what I smell like right now, makeup, the complete subjugation of drama, physics (seriously), arguments, whether or not I can live on tortilla chips/hummus/coffee.

Throwing all my shit into the trunk of a vehicle and running away. I would say I'm thinking about that last one about 80% of the time I'm awake. Probably a good portion of the time I'm sleeping, too.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
More likely than not: sitting at home, reading and/or being bored out of my skull.

I might also be out singing karaoke, or drinking coffee and playing nerdy games with my friends.

Depends on my current mood.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car, I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby my head was so big they did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan and it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Okay, seriously though. I don't shave my armpits and I don't care how you feel about it. I have psoriasis. You might notice it, depending on the current severity. No, it isn't contagious. Don't be a dick about it, please. I lost my virginity to a Juggalo (still ashamed). I hate anime.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
If you want to throw all your shit in the trunk of a car and run away, like, tomorrow. I'm serious.

If you'll shit on my chest for good luck. *NOTE TO MOBILE USERS: it probably doesn't show up for you, but this is a link to a video. I definitely don't actually want you to shit anywhere near me. Boundaries, y'all.*

If you don't care that (even though I have a temporary replacement), I'm missing my front tooth thanks to a hit-and-run while riding my scooter in the French Quarter. Even better, message me if you wanna donate to the fund to un-fuck my face.

If you're looking for Miss Right, a wife, or "someone to come home to", this probably isn't the profile you're looking for. Nothing serious here, folks. Really. I'm not monogamous, and I don't believe in marriage. I'm looking for a friend-with-benefits at the very most... and emphasis on the friend! I realize some people may see it as counter-intuitive, but even if you're super hot and DTF and everything, I'm not interested in someone I can't get along with! I mean come on, I'm a girl on OkCupid. I can afford to be choosy.

I don't abide bigots- racists, misogynists, sexists, homophobics, transphobics, whatever. I don't want anything to do with people who fit these qualifications. Non-negotiable!

***You probably won't get a reply if your message is any variation of just "Hey". If your message is just describing what you want to do to me in any sort of detail, you might get a response, but I bet you won't like it.

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