|I am a bit of a bastard.|

I
•attended a school run by a criminal nun.
•share my birthday with Oscar Wilde.
•was kicked out of the Boy Scouts for resolutely refusing to pledge allegiance to God and the Queen, and Sunday School for editing the Eucharist into something I knew and claimed to be "a bit more reasonable". I stand by both actions.
•am related to Bram Stoker.
•worked my first job in a sex shop run by East End gangsters.
•was told I am "very witty" by Stephen Fry. (Undeserved.)
•spat a glass of wine over Adam Ant. (Totally deserved.)
•am INTP, if you put much store in that sort of thing.
•prefer women, if you put much store in that sort of thing.
•am looking for the right person to help me pull off the art heist of the century. (Applicants must be athletic, sassy under pressure and look good in a tight black one-piece.)

Most of my passions centre on music so, when I am not planning art heists, I am:
•Composing. Performing. Studying new styles; currently, North Indian singing and South Indian violin. Exploring whatever else arouses my curiosity, from working with Bulgarian choirs to attending obscure lectures on musical rhetoric.
•Compensating for my studying North Indian singing, South Indian violin, working with Bulgarian choirs and attending obscure lectures on musical rhetoric by biting the heads off of bats, putting televisions through hotel windows, etcetera.

In my spare time – if you call it that, personally I don’t care for the term – I am:
•Reading for an English Literature degree: the process of learning to write about books one hasn't read.
•Putting on shows at the Southbank Centre.
•Talking to strangers. (Your mother was wrong: they’re okay.)
•Visiting exhibition and gallery openings to steal champagne and avoid discussions on art.
•Visiting friends for night-long exchanges of stolen champagne and discussions on art.

I do a great deal more, including probably eating too much Brie. (Sometimes I wonder if I eat too much Brie, the rest of the time I'm usually thinking, "Mmm, this is really delicious Brie.")

1. Being bad. (I don't just mean probably eating too much Brie.)
2. Facetious rejoinders. (See answer No.1.)
3. Stealing from the rich. Giving to the poor.
4. Giving to the poor. Stealing from the rich. Giving to myself.
5. Following you into a revolving door and coming out first.
6. Finding needles in haystacks, getting blood out of stones, skating on thin ice, making a right out of two wrongs, performing dressage with my high horse, hiding my bushels under a bushel, making molehills out of mountains, avoiding clichés like something other than, but similar to, the plague. Ticket inspectors, perhaps.

After my boyish good looks, spun gold hair, jade eyes, impeccable style, iridescent wit and steaming sexual charisma, the first thing people usually notice about me is my unquestionable modesty. (q.v. "I'm really good at", answer No. 2.)

People never talk to me about the weather.

Books:
Vladimir Nabokov, Saul Bellow, Peter De Vries, La Rochefoucauld, P. G. Wodehouse, Christopher Hitchens, Dorothy Parker, Cormac McCarthy, George Orwell, Saki, William Hazlitt, W. H. Auden, Bertrand Russell, Omar Khayyám.

Music:
Björk, Jeff Buckley, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Scott Walker, Chopin, My Brightest Diamond, Ella Fitzgerald, Anna Calvi, Shostakovich, NIN, Indian Classical Music, Chet Baker, Velvet Underground, Ravel, Harry Partch, Flamenco, David Bowie.

1. Books
2. Irony
3. Conversation
4. Beauty
5. Logic
6. Love
7. Going one step too far
Q. Nonconformity
9. Going several steps too far

Superb.

I've ended up having sex on or in a large number of London's Grade I listed buildings and monuments. They're to be commemorated in London's Blue-Material Plaque Scheme. If walking past a particular statue of Queen Victoria you hear her muttering "We are not amused", ignore her; she's on a comedown from the Royal Apothecary's supplies. Again.

I once stole a copy of Zusak's The Book Thief for a giggle. Starting to read it, I rather promptly stopped giggling; it was like eating a side of beef after a sorbet.

I selected "Thin" as my Body Type because "Tim Burton Sketch" wasn't an option.

I joined this site for the "Enemy" search option in hope of finding a new arch-nemesis; life hasn't been the same since the last one died.

•You have read my profile.
•You're damaged/want to sort out your daddy issues.
•You reckon you can drink me and think me under the table.
•You are my new arch-nemesis. (q.v. "The most private thing...")
•You look good in a tight black one-piece. (q.v. "My self-summary")

The self-professedly "average", "easy going" and "down to earth" who "enjoy the simple things in life" need not apply. Whilst I’m sure such qualities are greatly admired by your landlord, I am somewhat biased against them in favour of a personality.