You want me to summarize you? YOU? Really? Aww, that's sweet of you to ask.

You are by far the most glorious and beautiful text input box that ever walked the Ether. You have wonderful, flaxen hair and sparkling blue eyes. The moment I first spied you, when I first signed on to OKCupid all those moons ago, I was struck by how simply and gorgeously Cascadingly Style-Sheeted you were.

In fact, I think my thoughts of you went something like this:

-Hello, who are you?

-Hey, you're kinda cute.

-You know, if I were two years younger, I would totally fill you up.

-What is that you say? There is no age restriction for inputting text into a standard form field? Really?!

-So if I do this... if I do this I won't get in trouble?

-Really, truly, you won't tell your father about it?

-Hmm. Well... well...

-STOP RIGHT THERE. I gotta know right now, before we go any further, do you love me? Will you love me forever? Do you need me? Will you never leave me? Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life, will you take me away, will you make me your wife?

-I gotta know right now.

As you can tell, you changed my life drastically with your mere presence. Shall I go on? Really, I shall??

Glory, that is my name for you. Beauty, that is what you possess. Virtue, is in your heart. Each breathless moment I wait to push your button, I wait for you to give me another up-date.

You had me at hello, text input box.

* * *

In all semi-seriousness: I'm a strapping young man of questionable taste and exaggerated ethics who is interested in many and all things, from classical and ancient history to astronomy to the occult to the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. I fashion myself a writer, but have yet to complete anything of particular note - though that doesn't stop me from putting on the pretensions of an "author." Unfortunately, I fail at those because hey, I have been doing the Rocky Horror Picture Show shadow cast for ten years, and you can often find me in a pair of leopard-striped jockeys on a monthly basis. Questionable tastes, I tell you!

I spent a year living in Germany, so I can likely speak to you with such voracity that flecks of spit will fly at you as you think I'm angry, when all I'm saying is "My goodness, doesn't that plaited skirt look adorable!" Such is the Deutsche Sprache. During that year, I also learned to swing dance from an American woman teaching in Germany while living in Switzerland. I slowed down for a while, but have begun to resume my love affair with the Lindy Hop. So much so that I got roped first into the University of Toronto swing club, and now the Toronto Lindy Hop committee itself.

I dropped out of university my first time around due to lack of money and energy, but impelled myself to return to finish off the B.A. that seems so necessary for me to get on with my life, though I have no idea where to go after that. Now that I'm here, it is a strange place. So much potential, the wide world ahead of me, and not a map nor a signpost anywhere.

There's probably more, but I'll just leave you to that. Because to give away too much reduces mystery, and I know that you all love mystery so I will drift into the shadows and gloat, awaiting your arrival with the anticipation of Mark Antony as Cleopatra made him wait in her boat on the Nile.

Wearing Converse sneakers, because they are very, very comfortable.

When I'm not wearing Converse sneakers (but also when I am), I am suddenly discovering that having graduated university with a B.A. in both History and German means that I am going to carve out a career as if I never went to the school - let's face it, history and German are two of the most unusable subjects ever if you aren't teaching.

I've also entangled myself in some writing projects, personal and otherwise; pushing to the end of my tenure as a main player in the Rocky Horror Picture Show shadow cast; and a new member of the Toronto Lindy Hop organizational commitee (Lindy Hop = the original swing dance from the Savoy Ballroom in New York, from the 1930s).

Causing chemical reactions in my brain to store sensory input as neurological data, filing and creating patterns which allow for my perpetual sentient existence in the curvature of spacetime.

Also, yo-yos.

I am human. A human with hair (receeding), two legs, two arms, and hoboriffic clothing. Also, I'm either sneering or laughing. One or the other. Usually breathing, though.

A partial list, because you don't really care.

(A) Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, His Dark Materials, The Princess Bride, Galapagos, James Bond, Foundation

(B) Star Trek, Star Wars, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Little Shop of Horrors, Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Red Violin, Highlander, The Princess Bride, Kin-Dza-Dza

(C) Queen, the Beatles, Django Reinhardt, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, Oingo Boingo, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, The Crash Test Dummies, Giuseppi Verdi, and I've been getting much more into Dixieland and Ragtime lately. Strangely, my acceptance of Atheism also heralded an appreciation for Gospel

(D) Salad, Pad Thai, Panzerotti, Curry, Popcorn, Macaroni and Cheese, the charred flesh of fallen beasts, candy

I will say this, concerning my artistic tastes: nothing lifts my soul more than something well-written. It could be horrifying, beautiful, hilarious, tear-jerking. It could be a movie, a book, a television program, a radio program, a comic book, an essay, a poem (though finding well-written poems is quite a challenge), or a poster. If it is well constructed and well-written, I will finish it and take a deep breath full of satisfaction.

1. A pen

2. Yo mama

3. Boobies (not mine)

4. The Great Debate about all things

5. Impure oxygen (pure oxygen makes me light-headed)

6. The Text Input Box

the nature of God/the universe/Mankind's ultimate place/my purpose/the inifinite joke that is religion; my weekend plans (or lack thereof); my e-mail; teh sex; Germany; awesome swing dance moves I could make up but never use; the things I don't have; i.e. teh sex; the friends I've left behind; the friends I will someday meet; teh sex I won't have with them; dinner; money; the crossword; my job and why I hate it; a story; the next Rocky Horror; teh sex at Rocky Horror; that I'm never in teh sex at Rocky Horror; yo' mama, 'cause she visit me e'ry night; that I could steal that car, drive it off a cliff, do a 720 degree vertical spin into a river, hop out and swim away before it blows up; that perhaps video games occupy too much time in life; that teh sex could occupy it better

Devising schemes of making you aware of me. Judging by the rarity of your responses, they usually seem to fail, but the adventure is in the challenge, not the reward.

I can outgeek any of you. Seriously. I dare you. You think you can manage, but I have the luxury of looking like anything but a geek and thus I am understimated. I have a wall unit full of action figures, Doctor Who board games, unbuilt models of the Enterprise bridge, and another shelf with two video board games of Star Trek and Star Wars. I will show them to you if you want. Or maybe the 13 seasons of Power Rangers I have downloaded.

I still sleep with a Pound Puppy named Pound.

I am a brother in Sigma Pi, a fraternity of misfits. That last part is the real reason I was convinced to join.

... you know what you want, and what you want is me. ME I TELL YOU.

... you don't mind that I quoted Meatloaf in the first part of this profile, because as far as my tastes go, it's all downhill from there.

... most importantly: you are a glutton for punishment and do not fear sandwiches.

(Quickly: at the risk of eliminating people... I have come to the realization that religion and atheism sometimes don't mix. If you are someone for whom your world is greatly informed by your love of Christ, Yahweh, Vishnu, Allah/Mohammed, Homeopathic "medicine," crazy spiritual lines of energy, Nostradamus, Zoroaster, Xenu/L. Ron Hubbard, Charles Manson, Odin, Zeus, Jupiter, Mother Nature- and if you are the type whose religion informs and restricts behaviour such as premarital sex, or additionally causes great offense when someone makes sarcastic comments about your One God or your need for Shiatsu because the meridian lines need to manipulated, or if you are unwilling to argue and debate your and my beliefs simply because those beliefs are held - if these sound like you... we may not work. I'm sorry, but I think a lot about what defines me, and even if I don't think my opponent is right, they should be able to explain their beliefs to me. I'm not a jerk, I just believe strongly that the Great Debate helps refine an idea, and want to have it with as many people as possible. Preferably while naked)