I am a snarky bastard who enjoys good movies, fine cuisine (including the Velvet Tango Room), corduroy pillows, strange and bizarre stories, the downfall of modern civilization, shoulder rubs, watching bizarre surgical procedures, and in general watching humanity make an ass of itself. Say what you will about my occasionally laughing at the way we're sliding into the abyss.... But as a form of entertainment, you NEVER run out of things to watch.

I also am enamored of good conversation. We keep inviting friends over to watch movies, and instead we just wind up talking 'til two in the morning. This is, frankly, better than any movie. (And the best part of a movie is the dissection afterwards, anyway.)

I am currently married to, and am very much in love with, my adorable wife Zoethe58 (and now everyone will immediately abandon me to look at the cute bisexual chick). I'm looking for friends, and who knows? Maybe something more than that, if everything clicks and all parties are cool. I'm of the firm belief that I really have to like anyone I'd connect with, and that's comparatively rare... But in the worst-case scenario, we wind up with someone to go take in the new Coen Brothers flick or to just discuss the wonders of corduroy pillows and Scotch until three in the morning. Which sounds pretty good to me.

Essentially, I'm looking for friends to hang with and exchange emails with and be goofy with, online or not. This seems to be rare on OKCupid, but what the hell.

(EDIT: While I spend a lot of time on here people-watching, I did write an essay on the way Zoethe58 and I approach polyamory: The Giniweasel Rules For Polyamory. I figured I owed this place one journal entry, anyway.)

I am three, words, and long

I am a writer. Occasionally, I even get things published. I just graduated from the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Workshop, where I was taught how to write better by Neil Gaiman (among others), which is really enough name-dropping for today. But I'm now writing a short story a week.

You can see my blog at theferrett.livejournal.com. Warning: It contains the occasional spate of harsh language.

I have vowed to review every book I read in 2009, which I did in 2007 - I got to 89 books - but this year, I'm reading authors who I feel guilty about not having read by now. This is light on classics (I'm not a literature kinda guy, though I've read my share), heavy on science fiction and fantasy authors. If you've got a suggestion for an author I should read, send it on.

I am also completely obsessed with Rock Band. I will make you sing. Or play drums. Really. (Hell, I even write a webcomic about it at www.mighthavebeen.net. I used to have a fairly popular comic at www.homeonthestrange.com, but that comic is finished.)

I'm also changing my profile pictures because someone said I looked like a serial killer. I assure you, if I was a serial killer I wouldn't look like one. Unless I was a very clever serial killer, but if I was a clever serial killer then I wouldn't have the words "serial killer" so many times in a friend-finding profile.

...yeah, I'm not that bright.

Bad puns. Say, if you know anything about the new corduroy pillows, email me and I'll tell you the joke.

I watch probably fifteen movies a week. Ask me about a film, I'll either have an opinion or have seen it. And I love to discuss movies.

That said, there's a movie and a show that I'm just gonna randomly recommend, on the assumption that if you're reading this you might wanna find something cool:

MOVIE: THE KING OF KONG
This documentary about the world's greatest Donkey Kong player and an upstart's battle to unseat him is, quite possibly, one of the funniest, most quotable, and most unpredictable movies ever made. It's about nerd culture, of course, and an insular, gossipy bunch of folks who are all dedicated to a videogame that stopped being popular two decades ago... But it's also, weirdly enough, about Good versus Evil.

TELEVISION SHOW: The League of Gentlemen
Take the best soap opera you could hope to create. Combine it with Cthulhuoid monstrosity and horror, then shake it all up with Kids in the Hall comedy, and what you get is a complex, interwoven story about an isolated town and its strangely adorable serial killers, transsexual taxi-drivers, fumbling veterinarians, crazed job-seekers, and circus performers. By turns freakish, hysterical, and moving, the first two seasons are a treasure of comedy gold.

* My wife.
* Bizarre conversations with friends about ponies.
* Diet Pepsi.
* Good meals out.
* My home theater system, upon which I watch the strangest movies.
* Rock Band.

I spend a lot of time thinking about things that no one else does. For example: when I go to Patterson Farm to pick apples at the end of the season, and we have to wander up and down the aisles of dying trees to find an apple, I pretend that I'm the last survivor of a nuclear wasteland, hunting for sustenance in the blighted landscape.

I also think about spiders. I wonder how large a spider can possibly get, because I'm afraid of them. There must be spiders the size of a man's face somewhere in Australia or Africa. Then I wonder what the largest spider in Cleveland is, and where it is, and maybe if I think about it enough some bizarre burst of psychic energy will transport it to my room and OH MY GOD IT COULD DROP FROM THE CEILING RIGHT NOW and I'd better not think about that.

In the middle of the night, when I get into bed late, I have to touch my wife's back. Otherwise, she could have been replaced by, oh, I don't know, a gigantic pillbug in the middle of the night. You never know. Perhaps it's staying silent just a foot away, two hundred pounds of interlocked black chitin, with tiny wriggling hairs poking out, waiting for me to drift off so it could saw my neck open and feast on the spurting blood, as all pillbugs do.

If these things strike you as too strange, maybe you'd better not message me.

Out with friends.

I answer any question put to me honestly. Feel free to ask.

None of the above has terrified you. I like good food, and I like good conversations, which means I love lunch dates.

Also, my name is "Ferrett," which I put here because a) it's what everyone calls me, so if you need a name from the phone book this could be trouble, and b) apparently, searching for "Ferrett" on OKCupid produces no results, nor does "The Ferrett," so I'm putting this here so OKCupid's search engine can track me down. Go go OKCupid spidering!

Also, I'm stealing this from another OkC Person because I think it's brilliant. If you send me a wink, I will reply with one word. The word will be either "yes" or "no"; the implicit question will be "If I were actively looking for someone new to have sex with (which in some cases I am), would I actively be interested in pursuing that possibility with you?" This is probably better, because I absolutely have no idea how to respond to a wink otherwise.