I frequently forget my wallet.
I expect my doors held.
I lie, cheat, and steal.
I carry ninja stars in my pocket for my common fits of jealous rage.
My dog matches my outfit.
My shopping addiction has ruined my credit.
I'll sleep in a hotel if I see a spider.
Beer tastes gross.
I'll drag you to anything starring Jennifer Aniston.
I consider myself a boring person.
I'll pinch my nose at your cigarette smoke and then ask for one later.
I'll complain 94% of my waking day.
I hate laughing.
I double park my car at every opportunity.
I talk on my phone while ordering coffee.
My dietary restrictions are written in 3 thousand page volumes (What to Eat, What Not to Eat, What to Criticize Others for Eating)
My love can be bought in 3 easy payments (plus shipping, handling, and my intrusive mother).
My personality can best be described as 'abrasive'.
Baseball is a waste of time.
Dudamel makes me yawn.
I can't see past my judgements of others.
I only make friends for my own advancement.
I have no soul.
I'm generally not interested in what you do.
I will not hold the elevator.
I'm mean to waiters.
California doesn't swing blue or red, everybody knows it's golden.
Motorcycles give me panic attacks.
I look nothing like my pictures suggest.
Most past relationships have restraining orders.
My nickname is 'Catfish'.
I eat with my mouth open.
I am entitled to (blank).
I take candy from babies.
The predominate color in my apartment is pink.
I'll exaggerate my yoga practice.
I laugh at the expense of others.
I will most likely crash your car.
I'm a sloppy drunk and fastidious with my abuse of substances.
I don't have a conscience.
People describe my voice as 'shrill'.
I'm always late.
My boredom is depressing.
I've got zero personality.
I have no desires or ambitions.
I don't share chores.
Fresh air makes me nauseous.
Your friends will wish you'd never met me.
Sometimes my humor doesn't translate.
I only like pickles chopped up in tuna salad.
I only like gin with pickle juice.
I have no desire to add gin to my tuna.
I hate the word 'random'. There. I said it.