Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I like to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Conspiratorial with the
naughty, good to the sweet, disrespectful, ungiving and
uncompromising with radically honest cokeheads, violent with the
violent, well-mannered and insightful with the awake, naked with
the naked, withholding from the withholding. I've gotten pretty
good at it.
I sound like Archer.
Cohabitation's a little terrifying, isn't it? I'm warm, smart,
caring and fun but otherwise a terrible roommate. I need space,
like my own place forever sort of space, or I'll become irritable
and indifferent like a poorly housed hamster, and believe me, so
will you. Let me miss you. Let me value our time.
Can I hammer the point home? Because it's fun. I think that
marriage is retarded and having your own babies is unethical at
this population density, but I'd sooner do those things than live
with you. Compared to my moving in, my becoming a settled family
man is actually a (very distant) possibility.
Some notes on the bod because it matters to someone: I'm Paleo
again after a six-month sugar binge (Cadbury creme eggs are my
heroin and I have kicked again). I'm getting more dangerous and
less delicious. It's hot if you support me in that.
Despite my lack of humility, I am present, gregarious, positive,
forward-thinking, useful and always grateful. Time is luck. We were
promised nothing. Friends' birthdays are important.
When I sense a human on the other end of the line I am gracious, as
befits a lord. I am even very loyal to friends, probably unwisely.
I am generous of spirit. I am possessed by hubris. I let it take me
for the power that it gives. It is a symbiote.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Playing corporate capitalist industrial civilization for as long as
I absolutely have to. It's a pretty fucking annoying game. I remain
a plucky, charming wage slave, and I'm finally old and determined
enough to focus and get me some self-actualization.
But what does that Mean? you ask reasonably, and I start kissing
your neck and cleavage to shut you up with that smart little brain
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Not getting arrested, despite that I'm a chaos magnet. I just have
an atomic clock in my head that plays Happy Cricket when we should
scoot. Lending stable affection, appreciation, and rational
think-throughs to the ADHD and impulsive. Offering spontaneity to
the stodgy. Emotional intelligence: I'm decent at the five-minute
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
This off-duty cop looks like a dick (NB: I could never be a cop as
a matter of ethics).
The little-boy hair, if I haven't cut it. The swagger.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: Griftopia, Sex At Dawn, Blood Meridian.
Movies: Superbad. Spy Game. Pi. Waltz With Bashir.
Music: Think System of a Down and Ladytron. And then Primus.
They're beloved in this town.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My own fun
Fights, romance, and lust for life (that's totally one thing,
called Dgaw, on account of testicles)
The empirical certainty that improvement is plausible in objective
terms, and we needn't live our childhoods for the entirety of our
Boring, obvious, universal Maslow. (That's 4)
Coconuts, and gods damns it if I don't likes them young
If a woman likes to be read to, naked, that's a plus, I've decided.
I can live without that, just, you know, not as long.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The suffering world I wake to, even if I'm happy enough, and I
usually am. My friends mostly know me as a rock of cheerfulness,
positivity, and certainty--that unstoppable paleo chaud--but to me
what's unstoppable is all the horrible shit happening around the
clock to children, to women, to the planet. All the villains I
can't reach. Happiness. Acceptance and rejection. Choice and
action. Community and individual. The drowned and the saved.
What I've lost that I care about regaining. What I can maybe look
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Uh, there are sometimes parties on Friday nights, right?
$$ BUT I'M LATE BECAUSE I HAD TO $$
Play soda can golf, staining Civic Center with corn syrup. It's
soul-cleansingly frat-boy retarded. Security doesn't know where I
come from, or where I go. I'm like lightning.
$$ THEN $$
Decide whether to call my boys who get in fights or my men
well-liked among the ladies. I have hot friends, is what I'm
telling you, girls. They have sweet pads and drugs.
&& OR &&
Practice my Meatwad. Drop that sack. In my mouth.
&& OR &&
Take my bisexual gal-pals with boring boyfriends to lesbian night.
(Though really that's a typical Tuesday night.) Mischief with chaos
friends or reason with order friends.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
If you just like to send boobie pics to strange men because it's
fun, with dating being a different and not necessarily related
animal, there is a place for you here. Number.
I'm an ex stripper and a bit of an exhibitionist. Most women don't
like seeing men naked before they at least like them. But the ones
who do really do. If that's you, I take requests, even if you're
making them for mean reasons.
If that admission drives everyone off, I'll friggin change it back.
But I see no point not asking for one thing I want not necessarily
related to the other things I want. Vulnerable shiiiit.
I do have relationships that are totally appropriate with
boundaries and decorum and no naked pictures. That's because I'm
poly. There are a lot of deliciously slutty girls who hate the poly
shit more than anything, so like, sorry not sorry, but it's the
only thing that makes sense to me. For what it's worth, I never
have a primary partner. I CAN be seduced into monogamy (at least
until I get her going to sex parties) by the baddest bitch on
earth, but it's almost unethical for me to write that because the
sort of girl who would want to be the one to turn me is not the
girl who could. She's one in a billion, and even she would have to
force me to the table with cruelty.
I'm amazing in bed. I know every high-pitched sex nerd says that.
But I'm telling you why this endless profile is worth your
Oh, and I don't have this problem:
I have the other problem.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're that betch at the party with her tits out again. There's no
hot tub anywhere. No one's seen a pinup photographer. You've never
even been to a sex party (I believe you). You might not even be
drunk (extra credit, but if it's alcohol-related, fine). But your
top's taking a three-inch vacation, people are uncomfortable, and
you couldn't possibly give a shit. You're just whatever mix of
hilarious, inappropriate, provocative, crude or horny. Or you
loooove it. You might even like and respect yourself (bonus
If yes to one or all of these, the Other Bastard wants YOU. I fall
fast for the flashers, and have heart palpitations talking to y'all
in person because I want you so bad. My research so far suggests
you want to shock more unshockable, misogynist, dismissive men and
are not as excited about me, the former stripper hyperventilating
trying not to act like a fanboy. As a population, you
lookit-mah-boobs types tend to be the messes that body-negative
prudes would assume you are, and difficult when sober (and I could
see where Difficult could correlate with Gonna Flash Whether Anyone
Likes It Or What). But that's anecdote. I'm looking to prove it's
statistical noise. With more pointy, inappropriately exposed data
Ladies still reading: you're probably not that girl. But many of
you know that girl. There WILL be referral bonuses. Friggin cash if
we have a Fulfilled Fantasy kind of experience.
You're alone and need some D. I take random requests from the
Or you're into me and want to. Or you just want to see me naked and
show your friends.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.