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33 San Francisco, CA Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 24–42
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My details

Last online
Yesterday – 6:19pm
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Mostly other
Atheism, and very serious about it
Capricorn, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Sales / Marketing
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently), German (Poorly), Latin (Poorly), French (Poorly), Spanish (Poorly)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I like to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Conspiratorial with the naughty, good to the sweet, disrespectful, ungiving and uncompromising with radically honest cokeheads, violent with the violent, well-mannered and insightful with the awake, naked with the naked, withholding from the withholding. I've gotten pretty good at it.

I sound like Archer.

Cohabitation's a little terrifying, isn't it? I'm warm, smart, caring and fun but otherwise a terrible roommate. I need space, like my own place forever sort of space, or I'll become irritable and indifferent like a poorly housed hamster, and believe me, so will you. Let me miss you. Let me value our time.
Can I hammer the point home? Because it's fun. I think that marriage is retarded and having your own babies is unethical at this population density, but I'd sooner do those things than live with you. Compared to my moving in, my becoming a settled family man is actually a (very distant) possibility.

Some notes on the bod because it matters to someone: I'm Paleo again after a six-month sugar binge (Cadbury creme eggs are my heroin and I have kicked again). I'm getting more dangerous and less delicious. It's hot if you support me in that.

Despite my lack of humility, I am present, gregarious, positive, forward-thinking, useful and always grateful. Time is luck. We were promised nothing. Friends' birthdays are important.

When I sense a human on the other end of the line I am gracious, as befits a lord. I am even very loyal to friends, probably unwisely. I am generous of spirit. I am possessed by hubris. I let it take me for the power that it gives. It is a symbiote.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Playing corporate capitalist industrial civilization for as long as I absolutely have to. It's a pretty fucking annoying game. I remain a plucky, charming wage slave, and I'm finally old and determined enough to focus and get me some self-actualization.

But what does that Mean? you ask reasonably, and I start kissing your neck and cleavage to shut you up with that smart little brain of yours.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Not getting arrested, despite that I'm a chaos magnet. I just have an atomic clock in my head that plays Happy Cricket when we should scoot. Lending stable affection, appreciation, and rational think-throughs to the ADHD and impulsive. Offering spontaneity to the stodgy. Emotional intelligence: I'm decent at the five-minute read.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
This off-duty cop looks like a dick (NB: I could never be a cop as a matter of ethics).

The little-boy hair, if I haven't cut it. The swagger.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: Griftopia, Sex At Dawn, Blood Meridian.

Movies: Superbad. Spy Game. Pi. Waltz With Bashir.

Music: Think System of a Down and Ladytron. And then Primus. They're beloved in this town.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Boobie pics. Yes, really
Fights, romance, and lust for life (that's totally one thing, called Dgaw, on account of testicles)
The empirical certainty that improvement is plausible in objective terms, and we needn't live our childhoods for the entirety of our lives.
Boring, obvious, universal Maslow. (That's 4)
Coconuts, and gods damns it if I don't likes them young

If a woman likes to be read to, naked, that's a plus, I've decided. I can live without that, just, you know, not as long.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The suffering world I wake to, even if I'm happy enough, and I usually am. My friends mostly know me as a rock of cheerfulness, positivity, and certainty--that unstoppable paleo chaud--but to me what's unstoppable is all the horrible shit happening around the clock to children, to women, to the planet. All the villains I can't reach. Happiness. Acceptance and rejection. Choice and action. Community and individual. The drowned and the saved.

What I've lost that I care about regaining. What I can maybe look forward to.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Uh, there are sometimes parties on Friday nights, right?


Play soda can golf, staining Civic Center with corn syrup. It's soul-cleansingly frat-boy retarded. Security doesn't know where I come from, or where I go. I'm like lightning.

$$ THEN $$

Decide whether to call my boys who get in fights or my men well-liked among the ladies. I have hot friends, is what I'm telling you, girls. They have sweet pads and drugs.

&& OR &&

Practice my Meatwad. Drop that sack. In my mouth.

&& OR &&

Take my bisexual gal-pals with boring boyfriends to lesbian night. (Though really that's a typical Tuesday night.) Mischief with chaos friends or reason with order friends.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
If you just like to send boobie pics to strange men because it's fun, with dating being a different and not necessarily related animal, there is a place for you here. Number.

I'm an ex stripper and a bit of an exhibitionist. Most women don't like seeing men naked before they at least like them. But the ones who do really do. If that's you, I take requests, even if you're making them for mean reasons.
If that admission drives everyone off, I'll friggin change it back. But I see no point not asking for one thing I want not necessarily related to the other things I want. Vulnerable shiiiit.

I do have relationships that are totally appropriate with boundaries and decorum and no naked pictures. That's because I'm poly. There are a lot of deliciously slutty girls who hate the poly shit more than anything, so like, sorry not sorry, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. For what it's worth, I never have a primary partner. I CAN be seduced into monogamy (at least until I get her going to sex parties) by the baddest bitch on earth, but it's almost unethical for me to write that because the sort of girl who would want to be the one to turn me is not the girl who could. She's one in a billion, and even she would have to force me to the table with cruelty.

I'm amazing in bed. I know every high-pitched sex nerd says that. But I'm telling you why this endless profile is worth your time.

Oh, and I don't have this problem:
I have the other problem.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're that betch at the party with her tits out again. There's no hot tub anywhere. No one's seen a pinup photographer. You've never even been to a sex party (I believe you). You might not even be drunk (extra credit, but if it's alcohol-related, fine). But your top's taking a three-inch vacation, people are uncomfortable, and you couldn't possibly give a shit. You're just whatever mix of hilarious, inappropriate, provocative, crude or horny. Or you loooove it. You might even like and respect yourself (bonus points).
If yes to one or all of these, the Other Bastard wants YOU. I fall fast for the flashers, and have heart palpitations talking to y'all in person because I want you so bad. My research so far suggests you want to shock more unshockable, misogynist, dismissive men and are not as excited about me, the former stripper hyperventilating trying not to act like a fanboy. As a population, you lookit-mah-boobs types tend to be the messes that body-negative prudes would assume you are, and difficult when sober (and I could see where Difficult could correlate with Gonna Flash Whether Anyone Likes It Or What). But that's anecdote. I'm looking to prove it's statistical noise. With more pointy, inappropriately exposed data points.

Ladies still reading: you're probably not that girl. But many of you know that girl. There WILL be referral bonuses. Friggin cash if we have a Fulfilled Fantasy kind of experience.

You're alone and need some D. I take random requests from the plucky.

Or you're into me and want to. Or you just want to see me naked and show your friends.