Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I like to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Conspiratorial with the
naughty, good to the sweet, disrespectful, ungiving and
uncompromising with radically honest cokeheads, violent with the
violent, well-mannered and insightful with the awake, naked with
the naked, withholding from the withholding. I've gotten pretty
good at it.
I sound like Archer.
I also think that marriage is retarded, and having your own babies
is unethical when your species is on overshoot, eating
petroleum-fertilized grains when oil is about to run out, so like,
But! That said. I spent my twenties as a player, waaaay out here
with a closed heart. Now I want connection and love. Intimacy. All
kinds of gay shit like that.
Time is luck. We were promised nothing. Friends' birthdays are
When I sense a human on the other end of the line I am gracious, as
befits a lord. I am even very loyal to friends, probably unwisely.
I am generous of spirit. I am possessed by hubris. I let it take me
for the power that it gives. It is a symbiote.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Playing industrial civilization for as long as I absolutely have
to. I remain a plucky, charming wage slave. Catering isn't helping
the old six pack much, what with its endless free fried plantains,
but I'm tryin' here.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Not getting arrested, despite that I'm a chaos magnet. I just have
an atomic clock in my head that plays Happy Cricket when we should
scoot. Lending stable affection, appreciation, and rational
think-throughs to the ADHD and impulsive. Offering spontaneity to
the stodgy. Emotional intelligence: I'm decent at the five-minute
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
This off-duty cop looks like a dick (NB: I could never be a cop as
a matter of ethics--working for the Man, fucking people over for
doing harmless drugs and being homeless? How dare you).
What I hear: The little-boy hair, if I haven't cut it. The wicked
smile. The swagger.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: Griftopia, Sex At Dawn, Blood Meridian.
Movies: Superbad. Spy Game. Pi. Waltz With Bashir.
Music: Think Queens of the Stone Age and Ladytron. And then Primus.
They're beloved in this town.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Boobie pics. Yes, really. Not disembodied ones. Women make life
worth living, shut up.
Fights, romance, and lust for life (that's totally one thing,
called Dgaw, on account of testicles)
The empirical certainty that improvement is plausible in objective
terms, and we needn't live our childhoods for the entirety of our
Boring, obvious, universal Maslow. (That's 4)
Coconuts, and gods damns it if I don't likes them young
If a woman likes to be read to, naked, that's a plus, I've decided.
I can live without that, just, you know, not as long.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The suffering world I wake to, even if I'm happy enough, and I
usually am. My friends mostly know me as a rock of cheerfulness,
positivity, and certainty--that unstoppable paleo chaud--but to me
what's unstoppable is all the horrible shit happening around the
clock to children, to women, to the planet. All the villains I
can't reach. Happiness. Acceptance and rejection. Choice and
action. The drowned and the saved.
What I've lost that I care about regaining. What I can maybe look
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Uh, there are sometimes parties on Friday nights, right?
$$ BUT I'M LATE BECAUSE I HAD TO $$
Play soda can golf, staining Civic Center with corn syrup. It's
soul-cleansingly frat-boy retarded. Security doesn't know where I
come from, or where I go. I'm like lightning.
$$ THEN $$
Decide whether to call my boys who get in fights or my men
well-liked among the ladies. I have hot friends, is what I'm
telling you, girls. They have sweet pads and drugs.
&& OR &&
Practice my Meatwad. Drop that sack. In my mouth.
&& OR &&
Take my bisexual gal-pals with boring boyfriends to lesbian night.
(Though really that's a typical Tuesday night.) Mischief with chaos
friends or reason with order friends.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Cohabitation's a little terrifying, isn't it? I'm warm, smart,
caring and fun but otherwise a terrible roommate. I need space,
like my own place forever sort of space, or I'll become irritable
and indifferent like a poorly housed hamster, and believe me, so
will you. If I ever fall in mutual love again, my ideal arrangement
will be to live four doors down.
I don't do well in monogamy. Flakery, you call it, I know. I want
to go deep and I want to fall in love, but if I feel trapped my
perfect boner goes away. Yes, you can be number one. No, you don't
have to fuck my hilarious friends. Yes, I'm way too masculine. Yes,
I'm very handsome.
I'm amazing in bed. I know every high-pitched sex nerd says that.
But I'm telling you why this endless profile is worth your
Oh, and I don't have this problem:
I have the other problem.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're a little handful with some extra jiggle. I'm looking for a
savvy, hilarious, problematic lady who's in love with the D but
works too fucking much to try and have the perfect body, because
guess whose life that is. Perhaps you're also living in hiding in
the deep suburbs of the east bay for cheap rent. Or perhaps I don't
mind sitting my ass on a train for a girl I like.
You're relationship-avoidant (and ideally kind of slutty) yet
you're not exactly afraid of intimacy or love. In fact, you want to
build intimacy and love on a bedrock of unbelievably great NSA
You sit in judgment but you're not the genuinely frigid judgmental
If you really like to show your rack, I will take you to dinner.
You're not a cheap train wreck, you're braver than the scared
girls. And if you are a cheap train wreck, I'm more likely to date
you. Classiness is about money and social hierarchy and dead sky
gods. This come-on took a turn.
Or you find me fascinating/have become a superfan.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.