I bring an overzealous sense of entitlement to the table. I was a gifted child and my standardized test scores reflect my numerical superiority to the rest of humanity. A strong academic background and a false sense of awareness has given me useless opinions which I then couple with meaningless facts. I can dispense these on nearly any subject. In addition, I work with special needs children. Such an occupation supports discussion of the decline of America’s educational systems while subtly injecting heart-wilting tales of teaching retards to read.
As my accomplice and alter-ego, you will need an excess of culture. Perhaps you are an Art History major? We can brag about finding an unappreciated Lee Bontecou piece at the Flea Market. A doctorate in Post-Modern Philosophy with an emphasis on Post-Structuralism is also acceptable. You will be fluent in many languages. A Western-European or two coupled with a Sub-Saharan dialect and a far-eastern language to round out the mix will be perfect. A background in culinary excellence is also a must. We can host wine tasting events that will feature a Merleau-Ponty with samples of a triple-cream cheese followed by 92% Sri Lankan dark chocolate. I get an erection just thinking about our chances of making the cover spread of “Bon Appetit” magazine.
Our closet will be filled with the perfect blend of vintage pieces and modern designers. Aside from secret thrift stores that we keep hidden from our friends, I will shop at William Rast and Diesel and you at Dolce and Gabbana and Barney's. We must take great care to look expensive, yet accessible.
You must possess an iPhone and a Prius. I cannot stress this enough. We need to be able to instantly give friends useless corollaries from our web-enabled iPhones during light social discussions. A Prius is required for shuttling visitors on tours of the less-renowned but culturally-superior modern art museums in the city.
You must also have a predisposition to caffeinated high-brow beverages. Memorization will be key for such orders as a “grande half-caf half-fat soy latte with rose-scented syrup and a vegan dark-chocolate biscotti”. We will always insist on Fair Trade coffee beans.
Feel free to submit your own ideas for smug self-satisfaction, but make sure your profile has good pictures. Part of being better than everyone else is looking the part.