30 Lynnwood, WA
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My self-summary
Internet strangers told me that my profile sounded "cocky" and that I'm "trying too hard", but my brother said "Fuck them, they don't fucking know you. Self-deprecation is for the weak." So fuck you, I'm awesome! Hahahaha! Just kidding. About the "fuck you" part. The other part's true.

Seriously though, this section is balls. I've been on here for a while and I've had a lot of different self-summaries and they're all bullshit and it's just...lame. So here's what I'm looking for. I want someone who's wicked smart, who likes to read and enjoys discussing politics (preferably Libertarian and not the jerks-off-to-Ayn-Rand kind, but the wouldn't-that-be-cool-if-we-were-all-in-charge-of-our-own-lives/success kind), who's both goofy and witty, but also someone who's charming and well-mannered, someone who wants to fuck me all the time and drink scotch and go out to the range, someone who's country enough that they don't think mucking stalls is beneath them, but could still just as easily go out dancing with me or go to a ballet or take in a metal show or even just stay in and have a RockBand Underpants party, someone who wouldn't think it was childish to go to the beach to build sand castles or have a Nerf gun war, someone who communicates how he's feeling and what he wants and doesn't need a ton of provocation to do so, someone who doesn't confuse being nice with being vague and who realizes that honesty is always a good policy, someone who's introspective and emotionally aware of himself, someone who's rational but at the same time compassionate, someone who's ambitious and has goals, even if he hasn't reached them yet. What I want will tell you a lot more about me than I could in some stupid self-summary.
What I’m doing with my life
Working for Nintendo of America and being a GD boss.

I research a lot. For the past year or so it's been mostly neurochemistry and orthomolecular medicine/psychiatry but I get interested in new topics all the time and I'll spends weeks or months learning about them until something else catches my attention. I figured out how to successfully treat different addictions, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, depression, and that whole burning thing that us fair-skinned people do out in the sun. So that's cool, methinks. I like helping people, I'm a Myer-Briggs ENFJ so when I spend a lot of time with something it's usually because I think it could help others.

I like gardening/yardwork. I was going to the gym for a good while (yes, bro. I do lift), but then I realized that I prefer spending 10-12 hours outside sweating my ass off, trying to tame the wilderness, rather than an hour and a half at the gym. Try pulling a 15 year old sword fern's rootball out with your bare hands and see if you don't get the pump.

I like working on cars. It's a new hobby, my dad is an amazing mechanic but when I was growing up he was of the mindset that having a vagina makes you an idiot so I didn't get the same education as my brothers. After my truck broke down and I didn't have anyone to help, I figured out how to do it myself and I now have a pretty solid collection of tools. He changed his mind after I replaced my timing belt without once needing to stick a dick in it. I'm not the best at diagnostics but if it's already been diagnosed and I've got a Chilton's, I feel pretty comfortable with most jobs.

Baked goods. I recently got into baking and my chocolate chip cookie game is on point, son.
I’m really good at
Cooking. I can make damn near anything.
I'm not super good at it but I enjoy carpentry and I've built some pretty awesome stuff.
I'm fabulous at giving massages.
Being kind, I'm usually sweet to everyone, even people I don't like (no that's not two-faced, it's called being a grown-up). Unless you're a dick to me or I see you being a dick to someone else, then I'll knock you down a peg or two.
I'm an awesome listener, not just a waiting-for-my-turn-to-speaker.
Being non-judgmental. Mostly. I'm judge-y as fuck when someone's an asshole.
Balancing chemical equations in my head.
Finding excellent music.
Looking shit up on the internet.
Absorbing complicated information, analyzing it, and then breaking it down into layman terms. That particular quality has made me incredibly popular in college.
Pausing the game so I can memorize my Fatality move and then fucking it all up by doing a GD high kick.
The first things people usually notice about me
"Your voice is fucking adorable."

I have yet to meet someone who hasn't commented on my voice. It hasn't really changed much since I was about 13. I think I sound incredibly young but I'm told that when I'm being more serious (especially when I'm explaining something) my voice drops a bit and gets more sultry. I have weird speech patterns. Especially for a white kid. So if you can't date/hang out with someone who answers the phone "What it do, niggy?" you should probably stop reading now 'cause I do that. I'm also likely to tell your ladyfriend she has "nice stems." I use words like "loquacious" and say random shit in Spanish. Mierda al azar.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
So I had lists and then I was told that lists are fucking boring and paragraphs are the way to go but now this shit is just crazy long. If you don't read it, I won't be mad at you. Like for real not mad. Not fake not mad where I say I'm not mad and then in five years I'm all like "YOU DIDN'T EVEN READ MY OKCUPID FAVORITES!"

I fucking love books. I will read anything. I've read the Twilight series. Several times. No shame. Okay, maybe a little. My favorites, however, include Smile, You're Traveling by Henry Rollins, The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien, The Long Walk by Stephen King. I have probably over 300 books at least. Lots of Classics, quite a few text books and a few series. I love anything that has to do with abnormal psych. I prefer books that challenge my perspective and make me learn something about myself, but I have no qualms with getting down with some Hunger Games.

I love the Star Wars Trilogy, grew up on it. As a kid I really liked Return of the Jedi the best but now that I'm grown I prefer The Empire Strikes Back. Step Brothers is my favorite movie ever. I adore the Ocean's Trilogy, Steven Soderbergh is the shit. Only he could make a movie about strippers and have it turn out gold. I'll watch anything with Phillip Seymore Hoffman. Friday Night Lights. The Cell. I loved A Scanner Darkly (the book is on my Christmas wish list) and I really think someone should pitch the idea to Richard Linklater that he should make Naked Lunch into a movie like that. I tried watching the David Cronenberg version but that bug with the talking butthole on it's back ruined it for me.

I have incredibly eclectic tastes. A lot of it's kind of obscure-ish, no I'm not a hipster (I'm too fat and sometimes I wear cargo shorts hahaha) but I like finding stuff that's new and interesting. I've found that although I love many different genres, I usually only like a couple bands or even just a couple albums, with the exception of Classical, I can listen to it all day every day regardless of composer. I'm not incredibly fond of Metal because I'm so picky but Slipknot - Slipknot and Cradle of Filth - Midian are both easily in my top 5 albums ever. Same with Punk, I haven't found many bands I really enjoyed but Minor Threat's Complete Discography is another top 5 album. I adore the Hip-Hop artist Logic and the Jamie XX remix of Gil Scott-Heron's album I'm New Here is fucking amazing. I have yet to suggest it to someone who didn't like it. I like a few different Post-Rock bands, Godspeed You! Black Emperor's East Hastings is very high on my favorite songs list. I'm currently in love with Childish Gambino. Camp is so raw and heartfelt and just amazing. Some other albums: Ash - 1977 (first album I ever received and still one of my favorites) Grouper - Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill, Blessed Feathers - From the Mouths of the Middle Class, Micachu - Jewellry, Minus the Bear - Highly Refined Pirates, Elliott Smith - Either/Or, Brand New - The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me, and the Galaxy News Radio Fallout 3 Soundtrack.

*Edit: Rap. Like a lot. I listen to A$AP Rocky and A$AP Ferg quite a bit. Love love Yelawolf. I recently saw Yelawolf play the Showbox SoDo, most amazing show I've been to. DMX. Bone Thugs. Three Six Mafia but I have to be in the right mood. I love MGK. Lotta rap/hip-hop from the '80s and '90s. I also listen to a lot of '90s and early 2000s alternative rock, grunge, post rock, alt metal, southern metal, ect.

Um, food. Uh, I like food. I don't LOVE food so if you're a foodie you'll have to forgive me for not sharing that particular passion. I do, however, love cooking for people. My friend Zach giggles when he eats something I've made. This pleases us. Anywho, I used to be a comfort-eater and got really big in my last relationship because I was ridiculously unhappy. We split, I found a very successful way to break that psychological connection and pretty much 180ed. I usually only eat when I'm hungry, which usually isn't often, hence the diminishing figure, but when I do I like things that are simple and delicious. Tacos and fajitas are favorites, salads, sushi, blue rare steak, pea salad. I'm very fond of brown ales (think Moose Drool) and I love good scotch. Pistachios. Pistachios are the bizzy.

Video games:
I wouldn't consider myself a serious business gamer as I've only gotten sucked into a few games, but when I do get sucked in it's legit. Finals week a friend let me borrow Fallout 3 and I played it straight for 3 days until I beat it. And still managed to pull a 3.9 GPA. Like a buass. So yeah, Fallout 3 and New Vegas, I loved Tomb Raider 2, any of the RockBand games (I'm a five star drummer/guitar player on medium *flex*), Silent Hill 2, Resident Evil 4, Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, Toejam and Earl, Soul Caliber 2, and I fucking LOVE Mortal Kombat for the 360. Fatality training camp? Hells yes! Recent additions include Silent Hill: Homecoming and Batman: Arkham Asylum. ZOMGod, fuggin' Batman: Arkham City. Best fuckin' game ever!!!! If you haven't played it, do it. Unless you're super busy, 'cause that shit will control you. It's like crack. Edit: Correction. Black Ops 2 is like crack. Delicious crack. Om nom nom.
The six things I could never do without
I want to fill this out but it'd be all cliche shit like my intelligence and hunger for knowledge, stimulating (giggity) conversation and people who teach me things about myself, themselves, and life. Which I think sounds pretentious and dickhead-y 'cause I know lots of stupid people who hang out with other stupid people and yet are still walking around breathing and living and whatnot. I want to find six things that I could absolutely not live without. People, I guess. I can't live without people. I'm an extrovert and although I am more than happy to hang out by myself, playing games or looking up anything and everything ever on the internet, I need people to interact with on a regular basis in order to feel satisfied and I think that's probably what this question is really asking. Trapped on a desert island question? A friend. I would bring a friend. So that I could eat them. Lulz. Jay Kay.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Human behaviors and possible evolutionary explanations for them. What people really mean when they say "God." Why most men's cologne smells like jizz. And why does a string of z's indicate sleepiness? I never buzz when I'm tired...
On a typical Friday night I am
Fuck this question. Who cares what I usually do, what matters is what I want to do. And what I want to do is contemplate the universe with you over a beaker of fine ale. With a nice smattering of ridiculous and possibly raunchy/offensive commentary designed to get you to laugh.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I killed Mufasa.

( I get so much hate mail for that shit, hahaha!)

****This part's kinda important-ish****

Okay, so real talk. And this isn't really so much private because I'm not ashamed of it but it's not something many people would guess about me outside of the "You're such a dude!" comments that get thrown my way during conversations and I'm not the type to make a spectacle of people's (including my own) differences. I'm transgender. Not in that I used to have guy bits and now I have girl bits, and for the longest time I had no idea that you could identify as such unless you were displeased with your sex, but I think of myself as a dude. A very pretty dude with nice lady bits. (I loled) I have no problem with my body, I think it's great, I love it, I'm keeping it as is. I love my long, pretty hair and I like wearing make-up. But I think it's probably relevant to mention that my personality is pretty damn masculine. I react to situations in a typically masculine fashion, I have mostly masculine interests, my closest friends are male, they're not low key trying to fuck me, I usually flirt with girls because I'm not good at talking to them (which can turn out poorly if they take it as actual interest and then I have to explain that I'm not into vag), dressing up for business casual interviews makes me feel like a D-squad drag queen, my ring finger is quite a bit longer than my forefinger, ect.

I went to a Yelawolf concert in June and although I'd done my hair and make-up, I was in my normal backyard mechanic type attire - think early 90's grunge, chain wallet and all. I noticed quite a few guys staring at me so I get defensive and remark to my friend "Why the fuck am I getting stared at? Are they trying to start some shit?" To which she replies, "No, you retard. You look fuckin' hot. Quit being an asshole."


So, to summarize, my sex is completely female, my internally recognized gender is male. Dude sounds better to me for some reason. Or like, Broseidon: King of the Brocean.

Female pronouns, please. It'll weird me out if you call me sir. Crystal is fine. Crystal Joy if I'm in trouble.

Edit: August 27th, 2015, a week before his 36th birthday, my brother Matthew hung himself in the woods behind his house. I found him two days later. He soul-twin. My only full-blooded sibling. We look a lot alike and have the exact same hands. Same hair. I always thought I looked like a boy because we share a lot of facial features, but I'm told that he was just really pretty. We shared all of our favorite music, movies, clothes, people, ect. with each other. It's been 5 months and I still cry several times a day for him. Sometimes it's just for a few seconds, sometimes I dissolve into a sobbing mess. Yelawolf - Have a Great Flight...fucking slays me every time I hear it. I'm not super close with a lot of my family now because of it. For the most part my personality has remained intact, but the experience has taught me that there's a huge difference between the people who just say they love you and the ones who actually do. Even when the person saying it is family. It made me grow up a lot. It also made me kinda sad and guarded. If you're not willing to understand that sometimes I'm going to be sad and sometimes I'll need to cry, thank you for reading but at this point if I end up with someone they'll need to have a pretty high level of emotional maturity. No fuckboys. Like I said, I'm a dude. If I wanna bang you, I'll bang you. Emotional manipulation is not only not required, if you give any indication that you're trying to fuck with my headspace to get a piece of ass, I will instantly walk away. Serious topic type stuff, but I feel it needs to be stated since coping with his death is a big part of my life and it's not exactly the best first date icebreaker. Trying to get some moist panties...not moist eyes, nahmsayn? I love that people hate that word. Moist.
You should message me if
you're the guy I was talking about in my self-summary.

Or if what I mentioned in my typical Friday section sounds appealing to you.

Message me if either of those applies to you and you actually have time for another person in your life. I want to get to know you. I'm not trying to find a bunch of pennies. I want some quarters. Hopefully that analogy makes sense.

Also, please do not assume that my having casual sex listed means I automatically want to have sex with you. I don't respond to filthy messages, I'm intelligent, so engage me. That's not to say I'm not a pervert, because I most definitely am. I'm just saying that "hey girl do u like big thick cock" probably isn't the best ice breaker. 'Cause I don't. My ish is tiny and I'm not trying to have my walls disappear. And if one more guy asks me if I want to have some 'sexy fun' with him... I'm going to ignore him like I have all the other dudes who've messaged me with that same shitty line.

Also, I don't fuck dudes who don't read. Yes, my profile is lengthy. That's because it's fucking epic. So don't brag about your illiteracy (hurr durr ur profile is way 2 long) like it's a trophy. Totes not adorbs.