Y'all don't know what it's like being male, middle class, and white.

I'm tactless and more than a little cynical. I take almost nothing seriously, ESPECIALLY the things that should be. I'm outgoing, but prefer small intimate groups to big crowds. I'm pretty left-of-center, but I missed the day at liberal-indoctrination camp where they taught us to be politically correct.

I have a cat. I was told bitches love cats.

When I was 15, I learned I have no marketable talents to speak of, so I got a liberal arts degree and then got a job in the production phase of television. I'll keep doing that until someone pays me for the stuff I write. You wanna buy something off me?

I also have a substitute teaching credential for the life experience, but am almost certainly past the point of wanting to end up in a classroom as a career. I admire the hell out of teachers, but I'm already responsible for two significantly-younger half-siblings that are going to grow up saying some awful crap because of me. We don't need any more of that.

-Watching Law and Order marathons to make up for the fact I couldn't afford law school.
-Creating long-winded narratives about the lives of the random strangers I encounter in public.
-Beating my 8yr old half-brother in 1-on-1 basketball. Kid can't shoot for shit.
-Senseless trivia. No, really. I probably know something about everything, but none of it matters. Not even to the people it pertains to.
-Most anything baseball related: playing it, strategizing for it, memorizing stats for it, knowing all its stupid little rules, etc.
-Recognizing a 15 year old Simpsons reference

That I look like about 50 different famous white guys, none of whom look alike.

That I'm a pair of aviators and a hoodie away from being Ted Kaczynski.

Top 6s (because I hate the number 5):

Books: Catch-22, Mysterious Stranger, Huck Finn, The Great Gatsby, The Stranger, Devil in the White City

Movies: Dr. Strangelove, Office Space, Ghostbusters, Fargo, There Will Be Blood, Pulp Fiction

Shows: The Wire, Homeland, Breaking Bad, South Park, Mad Men, Old 'Simpsons'

Musicians: LCD Soundsystem, Beastie Boys, The Rolling Stones, Arcade Fire, Girl Talk, The Replacements

Hyperbole
Wild gesticulation
Run-on sentences
Gross generalizations
Meaningless lists
An ipodipod touchiphoneiphone 3Giphone 3GSiphone 4ipadiphone 4sipad 2IPHONE 5! ...

Whatever my most recent conversation was with someone, until I've replayed it in my head enough times to have convinced myself that I'm an idiot.

Whatever happened to people liking things without attaching a sense of snark-filled irony to their enjoyment.

How the person who first said "shoot for the moon, because even if you fall short, you'll end up amongst the stars" had a really fucking awful grasp on astronomy.

At the movies seeing something that no self-respecting human being should ever be subjecting themselves to. Or at a bar, imagining the single most inappropriate karaoke song I could sing in a given location, and then not going through with it.

Or at home watching an awful movie on Netflix in the comfort of a home free of critical, awkward glances. Maybe with you, why not?

I was ejected from a colt league baseball game at age 14 for calling the umpire a fat ass after he called me out. (to be fair, he was quite fat).

I have a lifetime's worth of anecdotes about me being a stubborn brat about really minor things as a kid/teen. I prefer to call it "individualism."

I unironically enjoy the hell out of 90s/00s big budget disaster films.

Your profile does not say "YOLO" in it anywhere.

You enjoy this as much as I do (which is quite a lot):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hYtUYiuzkw

You don't like the pretense of "first dates," and generally don't mind just winging it.