When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What do you call a male ladybug?
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number
2?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is
comfortable.
Many people die at 25 but arent buried till they are 75 (Benjamin
Franklin)
I intend to live forever. So far, so good :)
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do chickens think we taste like?
Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together?
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes
per hour
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got
hit by a truck.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from
Earth.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management
potential.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Politics: From the words 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' as in
'small, blood-sucking parasites'.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
well.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need
them, and those who are around when they need you.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the
wrong lane.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and
remove all doubt.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things
happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what
happened.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the
pool and throw them fish?
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are
quiet and those who talk a lot.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have
to be the others.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make
sense.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in
public.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they
go.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
Selfishness: Not being considerate of other people's
selfishness.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time.” (Robin Williams).
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Atheist: Someone with no invisible means of support.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they
are.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is
left.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't
handle.
The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes
first and the lesson afterwards.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they
don't need.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
You really CAN have everything, you just can't have it all at the
same time.
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you
up, depends upon what you're made of.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship.
Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic
who passed up chocolate dessert.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Stand for something, or you'll fall for anything.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't
resist.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock
hard abs.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you.
They're there to let you know that something is worth it.
Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a
destination.
”I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything
else.” - Winston Churchill
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent,
they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to
stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a
man, they love in a cat.
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before,
it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for
his friends.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Here's how smart rats are: I'm walking through the park, and I see
two rats. One of them distracts a squirrel... and the other one
grabs his nuts.
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You man
the guns. I'll drive."
Q: What does a fish say when it hits a wall?
A: DAM!¬¬
How to stop thinking soooo much :)
