I am very nice, caring, intelligent, and many other things you probably hear people say about themselves. There are many things however that truly make me one of a kind, sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse. Keep reading and you'll find out what makes me a unique (and complicated) individual.
I have confidence in a lot of things. I have it when writing music and when performing live music on stage in front of a large crowd (I sing, play saxophone, and keyboards.) I have confidence when I draw pictures, both cartoons and portaits (I prefer cartoons as I can make people laugh with them.) I have confidence with the English language and am often very quick to notice grammatical mistakes that most people have no knowledge of (the difference between 'too' and 'to' grabs my attention quicker than anything else.) I have confidence when writing software and doing other things with computers. I have confidence when I express opinions I have, as well as teaching them things that I have knowledge of. I have enough confidence to become good at most anything I set my mind to. I've become an extremely talented individual because of my mindset and my "never give up" attitude. That is where my confidence shines, and a lot of people see that up close, front and center every day of my life.
An area when my confidence takes a U-turn is with myself. (This is the part I normally don't discuss, but I'm taking a chance here to see what happens.) I hate saying that -- it sounds very negative, and I it's not in my nature to talk with such negativity, but it's the truth. I'm not confident about neither my outer-self nor my inner-self.
For example, I look at the people I'm friends with. They are terrific people who are polite, caring, and all the good things you'd want in a group of friends. However, they are nerds, geeks, and anti-social people who's lives revolve around computers, video games, and other things that don't allow them to go out and make friends and do "normal" things that everyday people do, you know, OUTSIDE! I hate that. I don't mean to put down my friends, because I really do think the world of them, but I have a desire to go out and do things apart from computer or other typical "geek" things.
In regards to my outer-self, I like those pictures I posted in my profile. Yeah I'm posing in them, but I like that. I take very good care of my hair, wear very nice clothes with a tucked in shirt and belt, and take care of my skin using shea butter pretty much every day. I do this particularly when I'm around people, more-so around people I don't know. My confidence falls short in regards to my attractiveness. I often feel unattractive, I guess because I've had people tell me I wasn't. I hate admitting that because it sounds like I have poor self-esteme. I don't know what you'd classify as high or low self-esteme -- I like to think I have high self-esteme since I'm confident in a large array of things. However, I'm never had an attractive girl tell me I was hot, or handsom, or anything like that -- only women who weren't quite so attractive. It's also getting harder and harder to find someone at my age of 25, so I'm much more self-concious of my looks than I ever was just 5 years ago.
Regarding my inner-self, my problem is I don't make friends easily. I'm different. Not weird, just different. My brain is wired in a way that most people can't seem to relate to. I think about things in a very different way. Someone who plays a video game will be like "man this is hard, how do I get past this part." I play a video game and I wonder "how does this game function?" I reverse-engineered a specific game many years ago when I was a teenager, and I revolutionized an entire online community because of my interest in knowing how to change the game's levels, art, music, and other things. Because of my work on this specific game, there are hundreds of websites dedicated to modifications of this game. There are numerous people who have continued my work over the years. It all started with me, and I am the reason these websites and modifications and editing tools exist. I'm one person in a world of millions. I started that. It's amazing to me, particularly considering how young I was. I don't mean that in an egotistical way (for the record, I don't think I'm God's gift to the world, or smarter than everyone, or anything like that.) I'm just being honest about what I achieved. The question is, can I talk to everyday people about what I did? The answer is no. If you're reading this, you're probably thinking "hmm, that's interesting", but other than that, you probably can't relate to it at all. It's not something everyday people do, nor have a desire to do.
The point I'm making is I have a very hard time relating to people. On top of that, I don't talk about this stuff normally because, well, most of the people who do odd stuff like I do have no lives to begin with. That is NOT who I desire to be, and I don't want to be viewed in such a light. See the dilemma I'm in? So I'm not entirely comfortable with who I am, but I can't relate to many people.
However, I'm funny, kind, and have a very big heart. I'm shy at first, and when you get to know me, I do warm up. When I do, you see me as a completely different person. When I warm up, I'm outgoing and can be very goofy, often making people laugh histerically (in a good way!) You'd never believe I was someone who was uncomfortable with himself. And when in my out-going mode, will show any woman the affection she seeks. I've been very successful in some of the relationships I've been in -- especially the last one I had. Most girls who know me tell me they wished there were more guys like me. I believe I understand women better than most guys, generally speaking, but I'm too uncomfortable with myself to be myself 90% of the time. The outside person I present is that very warm, yet shy and at a loss for words person, and I can't seem to get over that -- I make a less than stellar first impression because of it. When I'm warmed up, I'm the person you'd like everyone to be. I want people to see the REAL me. There's a lot to me that make me a completely awesome person, and I'd love to communicate that with people. I just don't know how.
So, assuming you read all of that, you can see how I'm a complicated individual. I want to be one person, but I can't be that person because I don't have friends who are like that person, because I'm too uncomfortable with who I am, because the people who do relate to me have no social skills or life outside of what they do (and yes I realize that was a run-on sentence!) I'm on here, not really to seek friends or a girlfriend necessarily, but just to talk to someone who will try to understand me and help me in my quest to show more people my true self so that I may become more outgoing, develop new hobbies, and perhaps find my way into a relationship with a lovely girl since I haven't been in a relationship in close to 3 years (it gets harder and harder to find someone with each passing year.)
I am Kind, Caring, and Loving