was big and orange tonight.

I tried to swing to it, thinking I could become a satellite.
But there was too much sky in the way.
The stars hung heavy over the freeway,
but I couldn't get past it to them.

So I just went home instead.

As I sit here right now, I am at the verge of either a meltdown or euphoria, or maybe neither, but most certainly change. Change has been a constant for me this past year, always change for the worst, always another down turn. I've had to learn some hard lessons this year, I should listen to my friends, life isn't fair (ha, as if I didn't know that one already. I just didn't know the extent of it...), I shouldn't close myself off, sometimes disasters are really opportunities in disguise.

I currently have nine minutes before I'm going to call my work to see what I should do. I have no way of getting back and forth today, and probably for the next few days. That probably means my unemployment starts today. I was really looking forward to having that extra pay check, but what can I do? At this point, I cease to be surprised when something else negative happens to me. I'm beginning to take it in stride.

I can either choose to go on the way I have been, dwelling on all my problems. Bitching and moaning with poor me, why me's. Fuck that. I'm tired of being sad all the time. Its time to be happy. I'm not going to let this control my life any more. Above all else, I used to consider myself a happy person. I'm not good at anything, but I was good at being happy. I would constantly get comments on it. "How can you be THAT happy, all the time?" Well, I wasn't, but what was the use in being down?

I've learned my lessons this year. The most important one is that happiness is a choice. I didn't know that before. I would take situations as they came before. If something sucked, I bitched about it. If something was great, I was happy. Now, though, I know how rare those happy moments can be. I'm going to find them in every situation now. I don't care how much it hurts, I'm going to see the positive. Just got laid off a two months before Christmas? Well, at least it was me and not somebody with kids. Just lost my vehicle? Well, at least this gives me an opportunity to grow up and not rely on my family so much. Just got fucked over by somebody who I thought loved me? Well, at least I'll know better next time. I won't be so naive.

Happiness is a choice. And I'm choosing.

In the past year I have gone through a bad relationship, been hospitalized for extensive fire ant bites (one even got in my ear, causing me to go deaf in that one for almost a month), been hospitalized for very elevated heart rate, had my apartment catch on fire and the kitchen ceiling cave in, been evicted, robbed, and laid off.

I think I'm cursed.

But I'm trying to find the silver lining in all of this.

At least I learned to listen to my friends when they warn me about guys who just want to use me. At least now I know to check my clothes for fire ants before I put them on. I consider my heart to be an over achiever. I no longer have to worry about something else terrible happening in that awful apartment I was evicted from. I don't have to worry about keeping up with all my stuff, as I have none now. And I can finally get that eyebrow piercing I've wanted, now that I don't have that job.

See? I can find the brightside in any situation XD