UPDATE: My ultimate dream is to be told, with poignant and heartfelt sincerity, that I am what would happen if Einstein’s brain was placed into the body of a young tyrannosaur, stuffed full of amphetamines and suffused with Sex Radiation.

I am not ashamed of many things. I also feel like anything written in the summary of a dating service page will either be trite, essentialized, or boring. In attempting to subvert those categories I wrote what I did. Humor is a huge part of who I am and I enjoy entertaining for its intrinsic value and the pleasure it gives me as well as others. If someone wants to get to know me they can have a conversation with me or spend some time with me. I feel like individual complexities can't be distilled, so if you have a question or desire to further your knowledge of my personal ideologies, please leave a message.

I am happy and random. I am awesome and silly. I love the 80s and 90s, hard. I am straight forward. I love art history and philosophical discussions over coffee. My ADD draws me towards shiny things and my adventurous spirit leads me often towards danger, fires and airstrips here I come. I have the vices of a rockstar, but I'm not famous yet. Heroin is so passe�. I never eat alone, but i love moments of coffee and solitude. Old clothes are great. I do the twist, with unnerving accuracy. I can be quite elitest. but only because i hate ego. I like to shave.

Dimples, eyes, and curly hair are my greatest weaknesses. It takes me 3 seconds to fall in love, and a month to fall in like. I love those who are brutally honest and critical of others more than me. Movies, books, and sunglasses are my forte. I randomly break into song, and tend to force those around me into exploring the depths of their own sing-a-long abilities. I might soon be on This American Life. TURNOFFS: penisfaces, fake nice, too much hair product, chewing tobacco, conceit, lack of decency/bravery, beastiality, stupidity, ultra-femininity, immense amounts of hair. also classic cars with fins turn me on. For the ladies; I like 'em sassy and open, its about confidence and security within sexuality. I have never dated a girl and honestly don't know how to go about it, I just feel like mine is such a bro mind-set that a girly girl would get mad annoying and I wouldn't know how to deal with her without hurting her. Honestly guys are easier to understand, they are simplistic and much more willing to put up with me being callous. However when it comes to casual encounters I love me some ladies, I like pussy just as much as dick if not more, and I would say I am an extreme above the waist lesbian. Tits are hot/ there's no denying.
Also couples who are not uber creepy or jealous I am down for some fun after we make friends :)

I like movies, sleeping, dancing, books, making smoothies, cuddling, and random games. I don't like fresh tomato, I interrupt a lot-non maliciously, I am horrifically messy, I pee with the door open, I talk about what I think is apropos-but I will keep fiercely any true secrets, I am addicted to sugar, I forget appointments, I am loyal, I love to argue and will play devils advocate just to keep a good discussion going, I am not afraid of much, I am afraid of fast moving bugs, I just learned how to ride a bike last year, I like snow, I do the crossword, I hate running outdoors, I love art, I like combining words, I can't really nap, I love nature, I am extremely nostalgic, I eat a lot of meat, my favorite color is aquamarine, I like you. I like watching shows outdoors, I like peeing in the woods, I like making cupcakes, I like Mario Cart, I like camping, I like ordering Thai, I like playing charades, I like catching frogs, I climb trees, I buy cheap clothes, I adore a good spoon/cuddle, I watch cartoons.

I have enormous (+/-) feelings for; self hating college republicans, mani-pedis, werewolves, igneous rock, lumber jacks, BEEF, mutual masturbation, elder porn, Uber acid, orgiastic party games, gingers. (These feelings stem from some deep depraved part of my beloved soul.)

I DRINK MORE, FUCK HARDER, LAST LONGER, GO STRONGER, AND ROLL MORE THAN YOU COULD EVEN FATHOM. I run through sprinklers and play DDR like a fucking pro, THEN RIDE ON MY ENEMIES AND LEAVE THEM LIKE BATTERIES, HALF OF 'EM DEAD.Caps lock for emphasis means I am serious like a michael Jackson rape victim. I bowl a 110 granny style. I like chocolate, and kinky sex and 80's dancing. I am a tactile person, and I know all the words to jillions of commercial jinggles. I love you and everything you represent. I greatly enjoy drinking and felonies. Pillows are the shit. I am willing to be both the big and little spoon. Porn is for champions. I am generous with my drugs and affection. I love comedy and did I mention dancing and coffee and shiny things? I HATE THE WORD JISM!!!! If I were a man I am almost positive that I would come equipt with a HUGE penis. I hate backstabbers. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, start a fire in someone's kitchen, maybe go to SeaWorld, maybe take my pants off... In conclusion: if you dig the way I roll, then lets kick it so you can lick it.

"My soul is tormented! I've been up and down the four corners of this big old world! I've seen it all! I've done it all! I've fought many a good man, and laid many a good woman! I've had riches and fame and adventure...I've tasted life to the fullest, and still my heart cries out, yes, cries out in this hungry, tortured, wrecked quest: 'More!'"

Editors

• Odusei

NOW I AM: at school at PSU in Portland OR, just trying hard not to fail at everything I do besides party, and have some meaningful talks and adventures along the way.

I am also involved in or would like to become involved in; Extreme statutory rape, riverdancing, 4x4 relay target shooting, catching mermaids, skeeting, foot fucking, coming down chimneys, collecting welfare, booting black-tar heroin, Being Invisible, travelling via zepplin, bedazzling things, peeing outdoors, cat napping, Balderdash, puttting things in wood chippers, fisting, kicking small animals, frolicking, sexing boyscouts, speaking in tongues, raging like a mother-fucker

AFTER GRADUATION I WILL: Write a choose your own adventure romance novel, spend seven years on a desert island, go back to school, become the johnny cochran in charge of saving Mother Earth from going to shit, shape young children's mindmass', learn about ethics, turn into the purple power ranger, discover a way to create a monopoly on oxygen, get plastic surgery and fulfill my dreams of becoming a trophy wife

"Bastards... you'd think the goddamn exams was the be-all end-all of existence... the cosmic life-force or somethin'. What a bore... take some bennies an' stay up all night with your face stuck in a bunch of books an' your thumbs up your ass... Yes... yes... I remember the time when it was all very inspiring and enlightening... all this history and literature and sociology shit... You think learning is a really big thing an' you become this big fuckin' intellectual and sit around tryin' ta out-intellectual all the other big fuckin' intellectuals... you spend years and years with your nose buried in these goddamn tomes while out there the world is passin' you by... and all the stuff to see and all th' kicks an' girls are all out there... an' ME, a writer ad a poet who should be havin' adventures an' experiencing all the diversities and paradoxes and ironies of life and passin' over all the roads of the world and digging all the cities and towns and rives and oceans... and making all them chicks!
As a writer and poet it is my duty to get out there and dig the world... to swing with the whole friggin' scene while there's still time!
My farting around days are over! From this day on I shall live every day as if it were my last! Yes! Yes! I must do it! No more the dreary boring classes, the dismal lectures, the sitting around bullshitting with pretentious fat-assed hippies, no more the books, the spoutings of a bunch of old farts who think they know the whole goddamn score!"

Editors

• Solt

Sleeping, passion, philosophy, cartoons, candy-eating, critiquing cinema, boggle, bein' sassy, spooning, taking prescription medication, rocking sweatpants, ab workouts, dancing, chalk drawing, causin' a ruckus, Googling myself, wedgie pulling, petting small furry animals, sissy fights, transpyronecrobeastiality, ddr, keeping it fucka real, mullets, evoking separatist movements, Sonic the Hedgehog, Monster Truck Rallies, discharge, shenanigans, kickin' babies, exploding dinosaurs, board games.

But I am not so good at OkCupid IM: so try ibatrifflinninja for AIM, or weaksaucezors@hotmail.com for MSN

The intense personality that i am shoving in your face, my intelligence, my stare, my wit, the food on my shirt, my loud, yet oh so quasi sensual voice, my crazy Shakira hair, my ass, and my lips, my inattention to details, the amazing folk I surround myself with.

If I'm naked its usually the Pterodactyl tattoo on my back, more to come...

Favorite Books: too HARD!! alegorical, Historical Fiction, Fantasy, Vonnegut, ones I can color in, the Qur'an
Books I just read-Watership down (again), Jitterbug Perfume, Childwold, Mission Earth, The Historian, The Walking Drum, Pillars of the Earth and a really good one on Mythhology

Favorite Movies: Monty Python Quest for the Holy Grail, Fight Club, Labrynth, Igby Goes Down, History of the World Part I, Beetlejuice, Love Me if You Dare, Waynes World, 5th Element, office Space, Last Samuraii, Tommy Boy, Princess Bride, Boondock Saints, Little Rascals, Amelie, Braveheart, Beverly Hills Ninja, American Psycho, Snatch, Wet Hot American Summer, Animal House, Harold and Kumar, Sandlot, Godzilla, Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure, Kung Fu Hustle, Reservoir Dogs, Mary Poppins, Garden State, Robinhood Men In Tights, Hackers, The Eye, Ju-on, SLC Punk, Jumanji, The Pianist, Starship Troopers, Seven Samuraii, Scarface, Nightmare Before Christmas, Pulp Fiction, Bottle Rocket, Shindler's List, Dr. Stranglove, Equilibrium, Star Wars (old ones), Deep Throat, American Beauty, Shes All That, Robin Hood, Death to Smoochy, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Sin City, Vagina Monologues, Top Gun (oh so gay), Alice in wonderland, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Benny and Joon, Kingfisher, The Brave Little Toaster, Fritz the Cat

Favorite Music: Indie, chill, classic rock, alternative, 80's pop, r&b, Brit trash, punk, grunge, metal, motown, folk, SAVAGERY!

Favorite Food: fruit

Coconspirators, food (I know but COME ON its orgasmically good!), people who will wend words with me, things to cuddle, internet websites designed to mindlessly entertain

Europe, conundrums, what music to steal, my friends back home, Kafka, parties, the next face I am going to make, books, googling myself, what kitchen appliance I most relate to, wedgie pulling, olympic water poloers, small furry animals, live bands, conversations with movie characters, randomness, mullets, SEX, DRUGS, ROCK &/or ROLL, bad movies, good movies, peeing in strange places, sex, late night coffee, girl fights, gang signs, African languages, and why kids say the darndest things

oh yeah and Oprah-how does that crazy bitch do it? She has more money than anyone and she expects people to clap when she goes to Africa and gives starving children SPAM and hugs?!?! AND THEY DO FUCKING CLAP!!

lost and laughing about it or at a dive bar and laughing about it

I can't back down from an honestly given challenge

I think Jeff Bridges was a smokin' stud in TRON

This is what I REALLY want for christmas:

-Diplomatic Immunity
-A Black Market Liver
-A Phonograph
-A Hedgehog, preferably Sonic the
-An Oompa Loompa
-A Real Everlasting Gobstoper
-Colored Contacts
-A Bedazzler
-Joey Laurence in a Box
-Sex with Jesus
-A HeMan Action Figure
-A Monster Truck
-Magic
-Tree Frog Ooze
-An Alien Slave
-A Submarine Fleet and or Pirate Flotilla
-Ming Vase
-All my favorite Cartoons/Shows Resurected
-An Island
-A New Body
-Lifetime box seats tickets to Manchester United
-A Trip Around the World in a Zepplin
-A Falling Star
-The Big Comfy Couch
-Air Force One
-Inspector Gadget Arms
-Invisibility Cloak
-A Giant Ganj Bakery

A new friend brought this memory back to me:

DPFRD-Sex with Jesus:
That may be impossible, but if you were a male in seminary school you might get pretty close.

Ninja-Re:Sex With Jesus:
You hopped right onto my train of thought. I was raised Catholic for a while and when I was little in mass they would ask for money to support the seminaries. The pastor said it was so more people could be dedicated to serving and living for Christ. When I asked him (with stars sparkling in my innocent young eyes) if nuns really got to marry God and how all of them could marry him all at once, he replied, each child of God that gives herself fully to Jesus is married to Him with all her heart. Yeah talk about sidestepping the issue. I think I saw through the bullshit even then with my juvenille logic and intuition. So I forgot about it until puberty hit. Ever since then I have been debating the pros and cons of taking up the habit, with the hypothetical caviat that you really do get to fuck the son of God. People can accuse me of losing religion, but thoughts of Christ are never too far from my thoughts, especially around climax...could Jesus be that much better than this?

You are; MacGyver, whoever framed Roger Rabbit, Buddah, Molly Ringwald, Prince, Rick James, the disembodied internet spirit of the crocodile hunter RIP, Jenna Jameson, your mother, my real daddy, anyone who can say "whoa!" just like joey Laurence.

OR:

If you can read this entire thing, laugh along, and love me just that much more.

I am a 90s kid because all of these things sing to my juvenille soul... You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCH!" You can sing the whole rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air" You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House" You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. You remember reading "Goosebumps" You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off" You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. you danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.) You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not... Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show. Captain Planet. You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red Ranger were meant to be together. To the last sentence you said.....hey...Tommy was the green ranger!!!! *later to be white. When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being tommy. You remember when super nintendo's became popular. You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders" "I've fallen and I can't get up" You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates Two words... Trapper Keeper. You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide You wore socks over leggings scrunched down "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didn't come back back back til the fourth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show You remember boom boxes vs. cd players You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell". You played and or collected "Pogs", you were pissed that slammers were so expensive. You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere. You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff! All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand. You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out. =[ You used to wear those stick on earrings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes. You remember a time before the WB. You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" You know the Macarena by heart. "Talk to the hand" ... enough said You thought Brain would finally take over the world You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!" You remember when everyone went slinky crazy. You remember when razor scooters were cool. When we were younger: Before the MySpace frenzy. Before the Internet & text messaging. Before Sidekicks & iPods. Before Mike Jones. Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX. Back when you put off the 1 hour of homework you had every night. WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE COOL. When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing. When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie. When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans. When Biggie was alive. When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever. Way back. Tag. Get Over Here!!!! (<- <- LP) means something to you. Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk. Red Light, Green Light. Kick the Can. Heads Up 7 Up. Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on. Hopskotch. Slip-n-Slides. Tree Houses. Hula Hoops. Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps. HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!! The annoying Furbies. Running through the sprinklers. That Little Mermaid. Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King. Every time you watched it. Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car. Getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car. Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It" or CAPRI SUN while eating Dunk-a-Roos. Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter. Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats. The original Power Rangers Or what about: The Secret Life of Alex Mac. Ren & Stimpy. Double Dare. Rocco's Modern Life. AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS Wild & Crazy Kids. Clarissa Explains it All. CAMP NOWHERE salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA) Are You Afraid of the Dark? The original cast members of All That. Kenan & Kel. "CITY GUYS"...ROLL W/ THE CITY GUYS. Doug. Magic school bus. Nick Arcade. flash forward. pete and pete. legends of the hidden temple. hey dude. dinosaurs. pinky and the brain. Sailor Moon. blossom. hangin with mr.cooper. wishbone. bill-nye the science guy. MR RODGERS!!!! Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy. Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years. or nick jr. with face gulah gulah island little bear under the umbrella tree PEE-WEE HERMAN!!! The Big Comfy Couch. Kool-Aid was the drink of choice. Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school. Eurika's Castle!!! Class field trips. When Christmas was the most exciting time of year. When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle. When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday. When Toys R Us overuled the mall. Go back to the time when: Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!' 'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'. act like you didn't watch afro-king BOB ROSS paint trees on T.V. It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery. Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair. When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever. When Ninja Turtles ruled the world. DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT??? smud, gak and yak back. skip it and pop it. bop it, boy meets world. GOD I heart you decade of my dreams... return to me

Editors

• Malachi87