So, I just took the Keirsey Bates MBTI personality test for a third or fourth time and I keep coming up with a different answer. I think the first two were more indicative of my base personality and the third and fourth caught my mood of the moment. Why did I take the test multiple times? Curiosity, uncertainty if I was answering "naturally", thoughts along those lines. I wasn't out to prove anything by taking the test (well, I may have proved my own neuroses ...) more than once/twice.

So, which one is correct? All of them for the time I took the test. How useful is any of this. Very, but with the caveat that an overall picture may be a needed addendum to get a better idea of who anyone is.

This is why I prefer an Astrological chart complete with Date, Place and Exact Time of birth. I know there are people who don't "believe" in Astrology and I am one of those. I don't believe in Astrology despite being a practicing Astrologer. How can that be? I don't have to believe in something that works and works well in the hands of a competent practitioner. To those who prefer not to avail themselves of this practice, I respect your position while very politely disagreeing with most of the reasons I've heard to this point. I have actually heard a couple of reasons that I thought were nuts but I simply would not argue because they were of the self-contained variety. Most of the reasons usually arise from ignorance and some from preference.

So be it. We can only be who we are at any given moment, all things considered. To each their own.

At least with an accurate chart, an analysis doesn't depend on how someone answered a question, where they were or what mood they were in at the time they answered the question. After thousands of years of refinement, there are very good interpretations to draw upon these days. Is Astrology perfect? As far as I can tell, it has been for me. Are the people who practice/interpret Astrology perfect? No, we're human and have our inspirational moments and make mistakes. Are the best practitioners less inclined to err? Yes, they are less inclined to err. Can I provide you, the reader, with a percentage? No. I wish I could but, like any facet of life, practicing any analytical/diagnostic skill is dynamic and prone to influences, however small or large of the moment. Again, in the hands of a skilled, competent practitioner the results should be satisfactory more times than not.

OK, soapbox session drawing to a close.

My point, however belabored, is that I find a more "objective" picture such as a chart more helpful in better understanding someone than just a very good questionnaire with surprisingly enlightening results.

Oh, and for those who might wonder why I am in the place I am in my life (salvaging a major train wreck) at the moment, well ... I'm so very human and continue to make quite a few mistakes. At least I don't make a lot of mistakes when interpreting someone's chart for them. If only I was that good with my own life ...

I survived my own insanity to make it as far as 45.

Hooray?

I'm becoming addicted to playing my guitar (which is much healthier and less expensive than heroine)(or so I've heard. I'm too boring and disinterested to take that stuff). That lame expression, "Reality is for people who can't handle drugs"? That may as well be my motto at times.

I seem to be happiest when living in accordance with the edict of the Wise Master: "Shut up and play yer guitar" - Frank Zappa

I'm accepting condolences on my newest age and congratulations on my ever closing proximity to death.

So I'm a grumpy old man, who cares? I'm 45. It's my party and I'll grouse if I want to.

Let the latest pity party begin.

OK, OK!! I get it. I'll shut up and go play my guitar some more.

A good friend recently observed that I seem happiest when I'm playing music, as though my woes are light years away. Soooooooooo, true. As I pluck notes, strum chords and play soothing progressions, I am cradled and supported from within. After that? Reality and all that this tends to involve. At least for an hour or so, the music presents a different reality that offers shelter from the brewing turbulence ahead.

As sleepiness supplants my own reticence to give in to needed unconsciousness, the cats pile on to sleep against/on top of me and keep me a little warmer in winter's cold embrace. Another day has ended.

The infant analogy in post #1 was correct. All I needed was a pacifier. And by pacifier, I mean my guitar and some music I'd been eager to play for a while.

All better now.

Finally. My first journal posting. What to write about?

Lessee now:

Elliott Smith happy music playing? Check.

Impending doom of turning 45 in 15 days? Check.

Life in tatters at my feet? Check.

Much love from family? Check.

Boring you to death with uninteresting post to this point? Check.

OK, now that the preliminaries are out of the way, I am in a strange space emotionally. Yes, I long for a deeply moving companionship but I am bloody irritable and wanting to be alone. This on the verge of my now traditional two week Solar Return/Solstice celebration (which is nothing more than me being that much more self-indulgent) so, what gives?

Unfortunately, the short answer is "Don't know, don't care, don't give a fuck!"

*Sigh*

See what I mean? I'm all over the map.

If I likened myself to an infant (I sure feel like one at the moment), I'd say I need to be fed and then put down for a nap (preferably drooling on a loved one's shoulder)(Oh, like you've never drooled?!?)(on a loved one's shoulder even?)(OK, maybe not the loved one's shoulder so much).

[Short tangent, I always get a kick out of watching infants "digesting" an adult that they're perched upon beginning with the adult's shoulder and gradually consuming their life essence. Children should be auctioned off while they're still cute. Wait, I like children. I should copyright the auction idea.]

I keep trying to figure out what will do the trick and I go back to what would comfort my oldest son when he got irritable as an infant (he was so much fun to hold and care for) but there is only so much I can console myself or feed myself (anything I have to eat I don't want to eat right now). I'd call him up but he'd probably just respond by grunting with disinterest at my current quandary (well, not really, he's quite sympathetic).

Maybe what I need is an infant to begin eating my shoulder by dissolving it with their digestive secretions so I can relate to someone at their level.

So, when you get into one of these "impossible-to-please" moods, what do you do?