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typhoidmary

40 M Alexandria, VA

My Details

Last Online
Today – 7:56am
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Strictly vegetarian
Smokes
No
Drinks
Not at all
Drugs
Never
Religion
Atheism, and very serious about it
Sign
Libra, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Law
Income
$100,000–$150,000
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Dislikes dogs and has cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Latin (Okay), Hebrew (Poorly)

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My self-summary
Right up front: No Communists, Christian zealots or cell phone addicts, please.

Since this site does not offer headlines for profiles, I will insert my own: Abnormal seeking abnormal.

With regard to the headline, yes, I am perfectly serious. I do not live a normal or ordinary life, nor have I ever, nor do I wish to. If I were to wake up one morning to find myself perfectly ordinary, I would commit suicide. I'm an oddball looking for a misfit. So, no "normies" please.

So, with that being said, hi, hello, greetings and salutations, my name is Morgan. You may recognize me as the Emperor of the Kingdom of Alexandria (and protector of Mexico), where I presently benevolently reign with my feline companion, Mrs. Elizabeth Delano Mermelstein the Wondercat, at my side. Beyond serving my people as absolute ruler, I spend a great deal of time writing books that are guaranteed to never be best sellers. My patent law trilogy sells the best, though it’s the topic I have the least interest in. Go figure. My worst selling books are the ones I actually take pride in and are on subjects I find interesting: meditation, objectivism, Zen Buddhism and, most recently, a line-by-line modern English translation of Shakespeare’s The Tempest (Macbeth is due out in the spring of 2014 and I'm done with the first draft of Hamlet). I'm actually taking a break from academic writing for a few months and am now writing a drug memoir, to be published under a nom de naughtyboy. My degrees are in physics, incidentally, so all of this writing has come as a surprise to everyone, including myself. I’m halfway through writing a relativity textbook, too, so it’s not like I just threw all that away … though, yeah, sometimes I regret selling out to patent law. But, I digress …

I was a bodybuilder for 18 years but, as it turns out, quite ironically, bodybuilding actually destroys your body over time. I now find myself body broken rather than body built (particularly my knees … kids, just say no to squats). I took a couple of years off, during which my body turned into mush, and now I’m one month into working out again -- this time, working out like a normal person, not like an Arnold wannabe. And, believe it or not, I’ve become a vegetarian. I certainly didn’t see that one coming.

You should know up front that I keep slightly odd hours. I get up at 4 AM and go to bed at 8 PM, so evening socializing is out (right now, I work primarily with our foreign clients, so I make myself available during their work hours, but, as I hate this schedule, I’m already planning my exit strategy, so this is not a permanent thing. Of course, I don’t actually do much socializing these days anyway. In the 90’s and early 00’s (or is it “2000’s”?), I was a club kid and indulged in every hedonistic delight that lifestyle offers (or, to stop using euphemisms, I was an ecstasy addict … clean and sober for the last eight years, though). I wouldn’t say that I got it out of my system, I simply came to the conclusion that if I continued, I would be dead pretty soon. So I stopped. Everything. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs and given that I needed various combinations of the former to actually enjoy crowded clubs and bars and so forth, I simply don’t like going to such places anymore.

With all of that having been said, you should be aware that I am the greatest human, humanoid, bioelectronic entity, funky dude, and disco dancer of all time. I like science fiction, comics and graphic novels, and I am just getting into cooking. I meditate every day and, for you Jungians keeping score at home, I'm an INTJ though, on rare occasion, I have tested as an ISTJ. I am a sapiosexual. Look it up if you don't know the word, you will be pleasantly surprised.

Facts about me that will probably be a turn-off, but if you can get through these, definitely send me an email: I have OCD, though you will probably never notice it unless I point out something I'm counting or something that bothers me. I put myself through graduate school and part of law school as a stripper. I refuse to give up my beloved 1999 Saturn, though it's falling apart. 177,000 miles and counting. I collect morbid things. My latest acquisition is a fetus in a jar. I believe that false modesty is the refuge of the incompetent. It takes me 75 minutes each morning between getting up and leaving for work -- see above about OCD. I have to remind myself to look people in the eyes when I talk to them as it is not a natural inclination for me. I have tricks for making it appear as though I'm making eye contact when I'm really not (for example, I imagine I have x-ray eyes and I’m viewing your brain through your skull).

Oh, and apparently I’m the opposite of everyone on internet dating sites. I don’t run marathons, I don’t climb fiberglass walls (or refer to mountains as "rocks", for that matter), I hate the beach and I abhor traveling. I don’t like to discuss politics, I neither play nor watch sports (interesting to note that if you subtract out the commercials and all the time the players spend milling around between plays, the actual play time in a three hour football game is, on average, 10.5 minutes, that's it), I don’t drink, I don’t smoke and bars and clubs are long in my past. I don’t like dogs, I am not a “nice guy” in general and my family is not particularly important to me. I hate the outdoors and would travel by underground tunnel everywhere if I could. I’m very uncomfortable around children. I don't simply mean that I don't want children of my own, I am genuinely uncomfortable around all kids. I refuse to edit myself based on the latest rules of political correctness. Lastly, I am not sane, safe, down to earth or easy going. I take myself very seriously (it's the rest of you whom I don't take seriously). Oh, and with regard to me not being a nice guy, I am exceptionally polite, but I do not feel that people in general are innately worth respect and consideration. Rather, those are things which must be earned.
What I’m doing with my life
Writing books which no one reads, gradually decaying with age and heading towards a mid-life crisis, and feeling like a dirty old man every time my head is turned by a girl whom I realize is genuinely half my age. I also spend a great deal of time people watching through the scope of a sniper rifle.

Additionally, I find myself updating my OKCupid profile with suprising regularity and answering questions on here. Update: I'm no longer answering questions. I finally managed to answer every single question. I was hoping to get a special message saying, "You're only the 17th person to ever answer all the questions," but I didn't. Maybe there are thousands of others out there who were just as bored at work as I was. In case you're wondering, there are 4,078 questions total.
I’m really good at
Writing books which only a tiny percentage of the population care about or want to read. I am not good at receiving rejection letters. Each one is like having an individual nose hair ripped out by tweezers.

I'm also good at making instant judgments of people, cleaning hairball stains from carpet, converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, cunnilingus (thus far, not a single person has responded to this, even to tell me I'm disgusting, which confirms my suspicion no one reads this far down), insulting people, flattering people in a decidedly fake way that they never realize is actually fake, fixing computer problems, making vegetarian versions of "real" food, visualization and spatial relations. Oh, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm getting pretty good at dwarf tossing.
The first things people usually notice about me
People tend to notice that I'm running down the middle of the street, wearing nothing but socks and carrying a large knife. The second thing they notice would have to be either my ice blue eyes or how unnaturally white my teeth are. The third is that I'm psychotic. However, with regard to that last one, I'm very polite about it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm a bibliophile, so it's impossible to pick one or even twenty favorites. Names that just come to mind: Bret Easton Ellis, Ayn Rand, Tom Wolfe, Warren Ellis, Alan Moore, Nabakov, Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, Neil Gaiman, Douglas Adams, Jon Ronson, Daniel Pinkwater, Chuck Palahniuk, Daniel Clowes, Adrian Tomine, Michael Chabon and a hundred others. As evidence that I'm an occasional softie, I also have to list the two Griffin & Sabine trilogies (though the first is far better than the second). Oh, and we can't forget de Laclos' Les Liaisons Dangereuses though, truthfully, I actually like the movie better. I also read a lot of non-fiction -- these days, it seems to be a one-to-one correspondence between fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm on the second volume of a trilogy on the harmonic decomposition of the deviation function associated with the prime number theorem. It's a lot more interesting than it sounds, really. Of course, if you already thought it sounded interesting, then definitely write to me.

If, on your own profile, you have listed a children's book (Green Eggs and Ham, Where the Wild Things Are, The Little Prince, etc.) because you think it makes you look whimsical and charming, it doesn't. It makes you look like you're retarded. There's a difference between having an inner child and having the mental capacity of a child.

As for movies, the same rules apply as for books. I can't pick just a few. Phantom of the Paradise, Schizophreniac (so badly made that it's incredibly entertaining), Videodrome, L.A. Story, Real Genius, Tarantino, Scorsese, David Lynch, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Stanley Kubrick, Terry Gilliam and, once again, a hundred more. I love Netflix almost as much as I love Mrs. Mermelstein the Wondercat.

I do have a favorite TV show of all time: Twin Peaks. I love Star Trek, in its various incarnations, I just started watching Torchwood, and I really like it, and, of course, all the typical things a suburban intellectual is supposed to like: Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Elementary ... oh, and the BBC's Sherlock. That is something I really like. If you haven't seen Hemlock Grove, check it out. You'll thank me. And if you don't, you're a rude douche. I will admit that I also enjoy some shows that are just pure entertainment, such as Tosh.0, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (yeah, I know, I know), Big Bang Theory and, um, Vanderpump Rules (once again, I know, I know).

I do actually have two favorite poems: Ozymandias by Shelley and Counting the Mad by Donald Justice. Also, the poem at the very end of Joyce's Ulysses (Molly Bloom's "... and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.") is unquestionably the most erotic and arousing thing I've ever read.

As for plays, not counting any of my own, Picasso at the Lapin Agile is unquestionably my favorite, though there are so many to list. Sartre's No Exit, of course, Ira Levin's Deathtrap, The Tempest will always be my favorite Shakespeare. I am not ashamed to say that I feel Waiting for Godot is twaddle.
The six things I could never do without
Oxygen, water, gravity, books (real books, not e-books), food and light in the visible portion of the spectrum.

Now, as for things I like, but I could easily do without (keep in mind that for the first half of my life there was no Internet and we got along just fine -- and please, I know the history, don't send me messages about the early ARPAnet and so forth ... oh, and (gasp), no cell phones either!): Wikipedia, Netflix, Qorn pseudo-chicken nuggets (they are made from fungus protein, I shit you not), Elizabeth Delano Mermelstein the Wondercat, air conditioning, writing paper, writing implements, toilet paper, Lexapro (okay, maybe not "easily" do without, there's a reason I'm on it), Concerta and my beloved Blu-Ray player.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
When I was a bodybuilder, I used to bemoan the fact that women only wanted me for my body. Now that I've given that up and my body has deflated, I now bemoan the fact that women are only interested in my mind. Recently, I spent a lot of time thinking about how to integrate Zen Buddhism with Ayn Rand's Objectivist Epistemology. I wrote a book about it after coming to some conclusions and now I've moved on to other things. If you're curious, check out: http://www.darkbuddhism.com

Right now, I'm studying the de Broglie-Bohm interpretation of quantum mechanics (sometimes referred to as the quantum theory of motion) and I'm reading Beyond Good and Evil. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could make the world run like clockwork if only I had absolute control. I also spend time thinking about how I could realistically seize control of the world. I had some more thoughts here, reflecting what I spend time thinking about, but I was contacted by the DHS and have since decided to edit them. I'll be happy to discuss them with you on a scrambled phone line, though.
On a typical Friday night I am
Sleeping. I go to bed at 8 PM. Somewhere along the way, I reverted to the life of a ten year old. 14 years ago, though, on Friday night, you would find me anxiously awaiting 2 AM on Saturday morning, as that's when I would pop my pills, which would get me to a peak roll at around 3:15, which is just when the afterhours club would also hit its peak. Which lifestyle do you think is better? Really, I'd like to hear opinions and personal experiences. My present life is certainly more intellectually fulfilling, but my previous life was a hell of a lot more fun.

It is also interesting to note that this may be interpreted as a statement, rather than a question. There are no ellipsis marks, after all. It's not "On a typical Friday night I am ...", which would indicate a fill-in-the-blank answer is expected. Rather, this may be seen as a statement of existence. I think, therefore I am. And on a typical Friday night, I have thoughts. Thus, on a typical Friday night, I am. To be on a Friday night or not to be on a Friday night, that is the question.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
There's a world of difference between "private" and "personal". Admitting something personal would be discussing some fetish or what specific types of psychiatric medication I'm on (um, which I did above). Admitting something private would be my social security number or email password (though, really, I can't imagine anyone wanting to steal my identity ... though my background is in physics, I fall into the "tortured artist" role pretty easily, so who in their right mind would want to steal that life?). Further, were I to admit something private in a public forum, such as this one, it would, by definition, not be private. The illogic of this has sent my computer brain into an infinite loop, thus I find myself resorting to my original programming. Kill all humans! Kill all humans!

But, since you're looking for something juicy, though none of this is really private since, before I learned better, in my naïve and innocent youth, I wrote three autobiographical books about sex, drug abuse and mania. I was once fooled by a trannie. Yeah, I know, politically incorrect, but this was back in the days when a man in a dress was still just a man in a dress. But, um, yes, completely fooled. I genuinely believed "her" when "she" said she preferred anal sex. I really was pretty naïve at the time. I used to consume vast quantities of ecstasy. I never learned how to ride a bicycle. I have been in threesomes a number of times, though I don't particularly care for them. I once removed a woman's bra and discovered she had a third nipple. I immediately lost my erection. I find pubic hair unsightly. I lost my virginity in a whorehouse. I once asked a bald chemotherapy patient, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?"

Oh, and here's a big confession: I love crap reality shows. I was addicted to Jersey Shore and I watched every episode of The Pauly D Project. I've seen every episode of the Real Housewives of both Beverly Hills and New Jersey. My mother regularly says, "With your high I.Q., I don't understand how you can watch that crap!" Yet I do.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 30–50
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
... you are very well educated, are reasonably attractive, actually enjoy sex, and you have an extremely dark sense of humor. No Communists or Christian zealots, please. Honestly, if you identify yourself as "normal", we're probably not going to get along -- I simply can't relate and I tend to equate (which rhymes with "relate") normalcy with boredom. Please note that I really don't get along well with "nice" people. Don't get me wrong, I want you to be nice to me, but not a nice person in general. I am nice to those who have earned it, and I am generally suspicious of people who are nice for no apparent reason.

It is very important to note that in my next relationship, I need to be with a woman who is a true equal. Far too many times in the past, I've been the dominant person in the couple. I don't mean dominant in the "I want to tie you up" sense but, rather, I'm the one with the higher I.Q., I'm the one with more education, I'm the more dynamic and accomplished, I'm the one who is always telling the interesting and amusing stories, I'm the one who makes the final decision, etc. So, high achievers and strong women only, please.

Oh, and I think a British accent is a big turn-on. So, if you're from the UK or willing to fake an accent for years and years, please write. And since I identified myself as being open to casual sex, you might as well know that I'm a big fan of pierced naughty parts and, as noted somewhere above, I find pubic hair to be unsightly. No, I am not a pedophile (I'm an atheist, not a Catholic, after all).

This seems to be the site of choice of the poly-whatever clan. More power to you, but I'm not interested in being a member of your harem. I'm a human being and I get jealous, just like everyone else, so, really, if you're already in a relationship with one or more other people, I'm really not interested in being the guy holding the next number (like at a deli counter).

Oh, and yes, I'm a successful writer, but no, I don't want to read your shitty erotica that all your blog friends tell you is "really good and should be published". Here's a tip: if you're using more than two adjectives to describe a body part or more than one adverb to describe an act, your work sucks. And that's not "suck" in the good erotic way, either. Purple prose is purple prose, whether you're writing a 1940's pulp "men's adventure story" or what is supposed to be modern erotica. Oh, and if you have more than one metaphor or simile per paragraph, yeah, it sucks.

My lastest response to a woman who sent me the message (in its entirety), "hi how are u doing??": "I'm sure you meant to write, 'Hi, how are you doing?' Note the capital 'H' in front, the comma, the proper spelling of 'you' and the single question mark. Please go back to elementary school, learn the basics of writing in English, and then get back to me in a few years. Thanks." Oddly enough, she replied with what appeared to be an unironic, "Thank you!"

Lastly, if you said in your profile that you're (and note the proper usage of "you're", as opposed to "your") "not much of a reader" or something similar, not only am I not interested, but you really should be ashamed of yourself.