Find better matches with our advanced matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy

typhoidmary

40 M Alexandria, VA

My Details

Last Online
Today – 2:33am
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Strictly vegetarian
Smokes
No
Drinks
Not at all
Drugs
Never
Religion
Atheism, and very serious about it
Sign
Libra, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Law
Income
$100,000–$150,000
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Dislikes dogs and has cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Latin (Okay), Hebrew (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
My interests and the way I choose to live my life are, for the most part, far from ordinary. Thus, I realize that I will appeal to the same very small percentage of women on here as I do in the non-virtual world, but I remain hopeful. The loves in my life have been few and far between, but have been quite significant. For example, I hate travel, I much prefer to be indoors, my preferred weather is cold and grey, I have no tolerance at all for small talk, I don’t like sports, and though I own a smart phone, I refuse to use it and prefer to spend my time without constant interruptions and distractions. Yes, I have spent most of my life alone, but if I were to wake up one morning to find myself perfectly ordinary, I would commit suicide. I'm an oddball looking for a misfit. So, no “normies” please, as I would prefer to be lonely than have to fake my way through social interactions.

So, with that being said, you should also be aware that I am the greatest human, humanoid, bioelectronic entity, funky dude, and disco dancer of all time. I like science fiction, comics and graphic novels, and I am getting into cooking, particularly in experimenting with the best ways to make vegetarian versions of the “real” food I grew up with. I meditate every day and, for you Jungians keeping score at home, I'm an INTJ though, on rare occasion, I have tested as an ISTJ. I am a sapiosexual. Look it up if you don't know the word, you will be pleasantly surprised. Oh, and you should know that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but I ain't no holla' back girl.

You probably already recognize me as the Emperor of the Kingdom of Alexandria (and protector of Mexico), where I presently benevolently reign with my feline companion, Mrs. Elizabeth Delano Mermelstein the Wondercat, at my side. Beyond serving my people as absolute ruler, I spend a great deal of time writing books that are guaranteed to never be best sellers. My patent law trilogy sells the best, though it’s the topic I have the least interest in … and yes, I spend my days writing and prosecuting patent applications, though I one day hope to finally sell enough books that I can give up that miserable occupation and just get paid to think and write. Right now, I’m working on the second draft of my drug memoir, which will be published under my nom de naughtyboy. Yes, I was a Club Kid and, as goes along with that lifestyle, an ecstasy (and nightlife) addict. I am now nine years sober and nine years older and despite my past interests, have no intention of ever entering a bar or club again … but I do enjoy writing about it.

I was a body builder for 18 years, from college through my club life and beyond, and then after completely trashing most of my joints (body building destroys bodies, rather than builds them, ironically), I took two years off, during which my body turned into flesh-colored mush. I am, at present, four months back in the gym and I’m just working out like a normal person, not a muscle addict. Or, in other words, since physical things are a large part of attraction, I’m still a bit soft, but I’m getting fit at what is turning out to be a surprising rate. My switch to vegetarianism might have something to do with that.

Facts about me that will probably be a turn-off, but if you can get through these, definitely send me an email: I have OCD, though you will probably never notice it unless I point out something I'm counting or something that bothers me. I put myself through graduate school and part of law school as a stripper. I refuse to give up my beloved 1999 Saturn, though it's falling apart. 185,000 miles and counting. I collect morbid things. My latest acquisition is a fetus in a jar. I believe that false modesty is the refuge of the incompetent. It takes me 75 minutes each morning between getting up and leaving for work -- see above about OCD. I have to remind myself to look people in the eyes when I talk to them as it is not a natural inclination for me. I have tricks for making it appear as though I'm making eye contact when I'm really not (for example, I imagine I have x-ray eyes and I’m viewing your brain through your skull).

Also, I don’t like dogs, I am not a “nice guy” in general and my family is not particularly important to me. I’m very uncomfortable around children. I don't simply mean that I don't want children of my own, I am genuinely uncomfortable around all kids. I refuse to edit myself based on the latest rules of political correctness. Lastly, I am not sane, safe, down to earth or easy going. I take myself very seriously (it's the rest of you whom I don't take seriously). Oh, and with regard to me not being a nice guy, I am exceptionally polite, but I do not feel that people in general are innately worth respect and consideration; rather, those are things which must be earned.

Oh, and no Communists, Christian zealots or cell phone addicts, please.
What I’m doing with my life
Writing books which no one reads, gradually decaying with age and heading towards a mid-life crisis, and feeling like a dirty old man every time my head is turned by a girl whom I realize is genuinely half my age. I also spend a great deal of time people watching through the scope of a sniper rifle.

Additionally, I find myself updating my OKCupid profile with suprising regularity and answering questions on here. Update: I'm no longer answering questions. I finally managed to answer every single question. I was hoping to get a special message saying, "You're only the 17th person to ever answer all the questions," but I didn't. Maybe there are thousands of others out there who were just as bored at work as I was. In case you're wondering, there are 4,078 questions total.
I’m really good at
Writing books which only a tiny percentage of the population care about or want to read. I am not good at receiving rejection letters. Each one is like having an individual nose hair ripped out by tweezers.

I'm also good at making instant judgments of people, cleaning hairball stains from carpet, converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, cunnilingus (thus far, not a single person has responded to this, even to tell me I'm disgusting, which confirms my suspicion no one reads this far down), insulting people, flattering people in a decidedly fake way that they never realize is actually fake, fixing computer problems, making vegetarian versions of "real" food, visualization and spatial relations. Oh, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm getting pretty good at dwarf tossing.
The first things people usually notice about me
People tend to notice that I'm running down the middle of the street, wearing nothing but socks and carrying a large knife. The second thing they notice would have to be either my ice blue eyes or how unnaturally white my teeth are. The third is that I'm psychotic. However, with regard to that last one, I'm very polite about it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm a bibliophile, so it's impossible to pick one or even twenty favorites. Names that just come to mind: Bret Easton Ellis, Ayn Rand, Tom Wolfe, Warren Ellis, Alan Moore, Nabakov, Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, Neil Gaiman, Douglas Adams, Jon Ronson, Daniel Pinkwater, Chuck Palahniuk, Daniel Clowes, Adrian Tomine, Michael Chabon and a hundred others. As evidence that I'm an occasional softie, I also have to list the two Griffin & Sabine trilogies (though the first is far better than the second). Oh, and we can't forget de Laclos' Les Liaisons Dangereuses though, truthfully, I actually like the movie better. I also read a lot of non-fiction -- these days, it seems to be a one-to-one correspondence between fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm on the second volume of a trilogy on the harmonic decomposition of the deviation function associated with the prime number theorem. It's a lot more interesting than it sounds, really. Of course, if you already thought it sounded interesting, then definitely write to me.

If, on your own profile, you have listed a children's book (Green Eggs and Ham, Where the Wild Things Are, The Little Prince, etc.) because you think it makes you look whimsical and charming, it doesn't. It makes you look like you're retarded. There's a difference between having an inner child and having the mental capacity of a child.

As for movies, the same rules apply as for books. I can't pick just a few. Phantom of the Paradise, Schizophreniac (so badly made that it's incredibly entertaining), Videodrome, L.A. Story, Real Genius, Tarantino, Scorsese, David Lynch, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Stanley Kubrick, Terry Gilliam and, once again, a hundred more. I love Netflix almost as much as I love Mrs. Mermelstein the Wondercat.

I do have a favorite TV show of all time: Twin Peaks. I love Star Trek, in its various incarnations, I just started watching Torchwood, and I really like it, and, of course, all the typical things a suburban intellectual is supposed to like: Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Elementary ... oh, and the BBC's Sherlock. That is something I really like. If you haven't seen Hemlock Grove, check it out. You'll thank me. And if you don't, you're a rude douche. I will admit that I also enjoy some shows that are just pure entertainment, such as Tosh.0, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (yeah, I know, I know), Big Bang Theory and, um, Vanderpump Rules (once again, I know, I know).

I do actually have two favorite poems: Ozymandias by Shelley and Counting the Mad by Donald Justice. Also, the poem at the very end of Joyce's Ulysses (Molly Bloom's "... and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.") is unquestionably the most erotic and arousing thing I've ever read.

As for plays, not counting any of my own, Picasso at the Lapin Agile is unquestionably my favorite, though there are so many to list. Sartre's No Exit, of course, Ira Levin's Deathtrap, The Tempest will always be my favorite Shakespeare. I am not ashamed to say that I feel Waiting for Godot is twaddle.
The six things I could never do without
Oxygen, water, gravity, books (real books, not e-books), food and light in the visible portion of the spectrum.

Now, as for things I like, but I could easily do without (keep in mind that for the first half of my life there was no Internet and we got along just fine -- and please, I know the history, don't send me messages about the early ARPAnet and so forth ... oh, and (gasp), no cell phones either!): Wikipedia, Netflix, Qorn pseudo-chicken nuggets (they are made from fungus protein, I shit you not), Elizabeth Delano Mermelstein the Wondercat, air conditioning, writing paper, writing implements, toilet paper, Lexapro (okay, maybe not "easily" do without, there's a reason I'm on it), Concerta and my beloved Blu-Ray player.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
When I was a bodybuilder, I used to bemoan the fact that women only wanted me for my body. Now that I've given that up and my body has deflated, I now bemoan the fact that women are only interested in my mind. Recently, I spent a lot of time thinking about how to integrate Zen Buddhism with Ayn Rand's Objectivist Epistemology. I wrote a book about it after coming to some conclusions and now I've moved on to other things. If you're curious, check out: http://www.darkbuddhism.com

Right now, I'm studying the de Broglie-Bohm interpretation of quantum mechanics (sometimes referred to as the quantum theory of motion) and I'm reading Beyond Good and Evil. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could make the world run like clockwork if only I had absolute control. I also spend time thinking about how I could realistically seize control of the world. I had some more thoughts here, reflecting what I spend time thinking about, but I was contacted by the DHS and have since decided to edit them. I'll be happy to discuss them with you on a scrambled phone line, though.
On a typical Friday night I am
Sleeping. I go to bed at 8 PM. Somewhere along the way, I reverted to the life of a ten year old. 14 years ago, though, on Friday night, you would find me anxiously awaiting 2 AM on Saturday morning, as that's when I would pop my pills, which would get me to a peak roll at around 3:15, which is just when the afterhours club would also hit its peak. Which lifestyle do you think is better? Really, I'd like to hear opinions and personal experiences. My present life is certainly more intellectually fulfilling, but my previous life was a hell of a lot more fun.

It is also interesting to note that this may be interpreted as a statement, rather than a question. There are no ellipsis marks, after all. It's not "On a typical Friday night I am ...", which would indicate a fill-in-the-blank answer is expected. Rather, this may be seen as a statement of existence. I think, therefore I am. And on a typical Friday night, I have thoughts. Thus, on a typical Friday night, I am. To be on a Friday night or not to be on a Friday night, that is the question.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
There's a world of difference between "private" and "personal". Admitting something personal would be discussing some fetish or what specific types of psychiatric medication I'm on (um, which I did above). Admitting something private would be my social security number or email password (though, really, I can't imagine anyone wanting to steal my identity ... though my background is in physics, I fall into the "tortured artist" role pretty easily, so who in their right mind would want to steal that life?). Further, were I to admit something private in a public forum, such as this one, it would, by definition, not be private. The illogic of this has sent my computer brain into an infinite loop, thus I find myself resorting to my original programming. Kill all humans! Kill all humans!

But, since you're looking for something juicy, though none of this is really private since, before I learned better, in my naïve and innocent youth, I wrote three autobiographical books about sex, drug abuse and mania. I was once fooled by a trannie. Yeah, I know, politically incorrect, but this was back in the days when a man in a dress was still just a man in a dress. But, um, yes, completely fooled. I genuinely believed "her" when "she" said she preferred anal sex. I really was pretty naïve at the time. I used to consume vast quantities of ecstasy. I never learned how to ride a bicycle. I have been in threesomes a number of times, though I don't particularly care for them. I once removed a woman's bra and discovered she had a third nipple. I immediately lost my erection. I find pubic hair unsightly. I lost my virginity in a whorehouse. I once asked a bald chemotherapy patient, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?"

Oh, and here's a big confession: I love crap reality shows. I was addicted to Jersey Shore and I watched every episode of The Pauly D Project. I've seen every episode of the Real Housewives of both Beverly Hills and New Jersey. My mother regularly says, "With your high I.Q., I don't understand how you can watch that crap!" Yet I do.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 30–50
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
I have always been attracted to dangerous women, so a woman with a certain degree of amorality (or "moral ambiguity", if you prefer) would be desirable. Consider Tom Ripley's wife from Ripley Under Ground and Ripley's Game: she was more than happy to, and capable of, moving his dead bodies when he was a little sloppy. I'm not saying that I'd ever be so sloppy, but a woman willing and able to do such a thing would be a perfect match.

To put up with me, you will need a very dark and very sarcastic sense of humor. Ideally you will have, at least, a master's degree, be in shape, and agree that couples do not need to do everything together and that alone time is a valuable commodity. I should also note that I can't fuck someone whom I don't respect. Or, rather, I could, but I choose not to. So, if you don't have a good job, you're uneducated and/or you have nothing to say, it absolutely won't go anywhere.