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41 Alexandria, VA Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 30–50
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My details

Last online
Online now!
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Strictly vegetarian
Not at all
Atheism, and very serious about it
Libra, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from masters program
Mostly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Dislikes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Latin (Okay), Hebrew (Poorly)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Opening remarks: First, if you send me a message consisting of just "Hi" or nothing more than "How are you?" (or similar sentiments), I will not respond. Next, with regard to the username "typhoidmary", when I initially signed up, every single name I wanted to use was taken. I kept typing names, again and again, and they were all taken. So, out of frustration, I typed "typhoidmary", daring OKCupid to tell me someone else had used that name. So, that's how that happened. I am not subtly telling you that I am carrying a disease (other than my chronic handsomeness, of course).

If you look to the side of this part of the profile, you will see that I also listed casual sex. I would like to find the next great love of my life, but I see no reason to be celibate while on my quest. And, while on the topic of sex, I should point out that I am neither dominant nor submissive in bed. I'm quite happy just having regular sex without name calling, pain, things made of leather and chrome, weirdo lighting and so forth.

So, finally, getting to the actual meat of the profile, if this site had headlines, the headline for my profile would read "Unusually High I.Q. Seeks Same".

Although I value my intellect above anything else, it’s a lonely life. Seeing so much of the world around me without filters and having to fake my way through social interactions simply to be understood has taken a toll. So, here I am, the lonely misanthrope seeking Miss Anthrope. I have lived most of my life as one man against the rest of the world; I would very much like to find a partner to make it both of us against the rest of the world.

I don’t like traveling, I don’t like the outdoors, I don’t like dogs and I’ve decided that my profile will be totally and completely honest in order to avoid wasting my time. Apparently, I’m the complete opposite of every single person on every dating site.

For you Jungians playing along at home, I’m an INTJ. I’m also an atheist and an objectivist. With regard to the former, if you rely on an imaginary friend rather than taking personal responsibility, we’re not right for one another. With regard the latter, yes, I’m selfish and do not sacrifice myself for the sake of others.

I seek a brilliant woman, a bona fide genius. Of course, it’s not enough to simply have a matching high I.Q. The woman I seek is also accomplished, she has achieved many things in her life, and continues to achieve. She is both formally and self-educated. She has seen and done things which impress others as well as making them blush.

Various things, at least one of which will, hopefully, pique your interest ... I have a dark and sarcastic sense of humor; I live with an emotionally disturbed ragdoll cat; although I was once a club kid, I now live a very quiet life and I'm pretty happy about that; I keep early hours; I'm a vegetarian; I’m a published author (many times over); although I own a smartphone, I refuse to use it (no cell phone addicts, please); I put myself through graduate school and part of law school as a stripper; and, most importantly, I'm extremely open and honest (sometimes to my detriment).

Further, I am the very model of a modern major general. I took the midnight train going anywhere. Mosquitoes refuse to bite me, purely out of respect. At museums, I am allowed to touch the art. I am the Emperor of the Kingdom of Alexandria (and protector of Mexico). I am the greatest human, humanoid, bioelectronic entity, funky dude, and disco dancer of all time.

I also like science fiction, comics and graphic novels, and I am getting into cooking, particularly in experimenting with the best ways to make vegetarian versions of the “real” food I grew up with. I am a sapiosexual. Look it up if you don't know the word, you will be pleasantly surprised. Oh, and you should know that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but I ain't no holla' back girl.

Please note the "misanthrope", "dark" and "sarcastic" above -- being "nice" and "normal" are wonderful qualities to have, but a Pollyanna and I are not going to get along, so let's save our mutual time. A sense of humor is VERY important.

I was a bodybuilder for 18 years, then took a couple of years off due to injury. During that time, my body turned to mush. I am now back in the gym, rapidly getting back into shape, and I would like to meet a woman who also values physical (in addition to intellectual) fitness. With each step back on the path, I will update my photos on here.

Lastly, by now, you're undoubtedly saying to yourself, "This guy is just too fabulous; there must be a catch." Well, here's the rub: I get up at 4:30 AM to go to the gym every day, even on weekends, so I go to bed no later than 9:00 PM every night. So, I need someone who is comfortable with that schedule and also who is not going to say to me, "Come on, what's one night out?" I was once a nightcrawler, but that was a long time ago. Oh, and I should say that I'm also clean and sober and have been for a decade. Those two things are not unrelated.

Oh, and my preferred mode of communication is email. I will begrudgingly speak on the phone, but I have never sent nor received a text message and have no intention to ever do so. With regard to that last statement, I am presently typing this on a full size keyboard. I am looking at what I type on a 22 inch monitor. I cannot comprehend why someone would want to type on tiny virtual keys while squinting at a tiny screen. In terms of convenience and comfort, that is going backwards, and it makes no sense to me.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm writing books which no one reads, gradually decaying with age and heading towards a mid-life crisis, and feeling like a dirty old man every time my head is turned by a girl whom I realize is genuinely half my age. I also spend a great deal of time people watching through the scope of a sniper rifle.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Writing books which only a tiny percentage of the population care about or want to read. I am not good at receiving rejection letters. Each one is like having an individual nose hair ripped out by tweezers.

I'm also good at making instant judgments of people, cleaning hairball stains from carpet, converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, insulting people, flattering people in a decidedly fake way that they never realize is actually fake, fixing computer problems, making vegetarian versions of "real" food, visualization and spatial relations. Oh, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm getting pretty good at dwarf tossing.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
People tend to notice that I'm running down the middle of the street, wearing nothing but socks and carrying a large knife. The second thing they notice would have to be either my ice blue eyes or how unnaturally white my teeth are. The third is that I'm psychotic. However, with regard to that last one, I'm very polite about it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I'm a bibliophile, so it's impossible to pick one or even twenty favorites. Names that just come to mind: Bret Easton Ellis, Ayn Rand, Tom Wolfe, Warren Ellis, Alan Moore, Nabakov, Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, Neil Gaiman, Douglas Adams, Jon Ronson, Daniel Pinkwater, Chuck Palahniuk, Daniel Clowes, Adrian Tomine, Michael Chabon and a hundred others. As evidence that I'm an occasional softie, I also have to list the two Griffin & Sabine trilogies (though the first is far better than the second). Oh, and we can't forget de Laclos' Les Liaisons Dangereuses though, truthfully, I actually like the movie better. I also read a lot of non-fiction -- these days, it seems to be a one-to-one correspondence between fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm on the second volume of a trilogy on the harmonic decomposition of the deviation function associated with the prime number theorem. It's a lot more interesting than it sounds, really. Of course, if you already thought it sounded interesting, then definitely write to me.

If, on your own profile, you have listed a children's book (Green Eggs and Ham, Where the Wild Things Are, The Little Prince, Harry Potter, etc.) because you think it makes you look whimsical and charming, it doesn't. It makes you look like you're retarded. There's a difference between having an inner child and having the mental capacity of a child.

As for movies, the same rules apply as for books. I can't pick just a few: Phantom of the Paradise, Schizophreniac (so badly made that it's incredibly entertaining), Videodrome, L.A. Story, Real Genius, Tarantino, Scorsese, David Lynch, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Stanley Kubrick, Terry Gilliam and, once again, a hundred more. I love Netflix almost as much as I love Mrs. Mermelstein the Wondercat.

I do have a favorite TV show of all time: Twin Peaks. I love Star Trek, in its various incarnations. I find Dr. Who to be too family friendly, but I loved its spinoff, Torchwood. Although I watch Elementary, it's just to pass the time until the next season of Sherlock, which is brilliant. Speaking of brilliant, The Eric Andre Show is, at times, the most brilliant thing on television. Let's see, I also watch Archer, Ray Donovan, Hemlock Grove, Black Mirror and Tosh.0. I am also secure enough in my intellectual and academic credentials that I will admit that I enjoy some reality TV: 90 Day Fiance and, particularly, Vanderpump Rules, which is fantastically addictive.

I prefer Beethoven to Mozart.

I do actually have two favorite poems: Ozymandias by Shelley and Counting the Mad by Donald Justice. Also, the poem at the very end of Joyce's Ulysses (Molly Bloom's "... and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.") is unquestionably the most erotic and arousing thing I've ever read.

As for plays, not counting any of my own, Picasso at the Lapin Agile is unquestionably my favorite, though there are so many to list. Sartre's No Exit, of course, Ira Levin's Deathtrap, The Tempest will always be my favorite Shakespeare. I am not ashamed to say that I feel Waiting for Godot is twaddle.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Books (real books, not e-books), Wikipedia, Netflix, Elizabeth Delano Mermelstein the Wondercat, air conditioning and, um, Lexapro.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could make the world run like clockwork if only I had absolute control. I also spend time thinking about how I could realistically seize control of the world. I had some more thoughts here, reflecting what I spend time thinking about, but I was contacted by the DHS and have since decided to edit them. I'll be happy to discuss them with you on a scrambled phone line, though.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Taking the midnight train going anywhere and/or trying to make a reservation at Dorsia.

14 years ago, on a Friday night, you would find me anxiously awaiting 2 AM on Saturday morning, as that's when I would pop my pills, which would get me to a peak roll at around 3:15, which is just when the afterhours club would also hit its peak. Which lifestyle do you think is better? Really, I'd like to hear opinions and personal experiences. My present life is certainly more intellectually fulfilling, but my previous life was a hell of a lot more fun.

As Friday night is typically "date night", on a first date I like to carve our initials into a tree. This, I find, is the most romantic way to let you know that I have a knife.

It is also interesting to note that this may be interpreted as a statement, rather than a question. There are no ellipsis marks, after all. It's not "On a typical Friday night I am ...", which would indicate a fill-in-the-blank answer is expected. Rather, this may be seen as a statement of existence. I think, therefore I am. And on a typical Friday night, I have thoughts. Thus, on a typical Friday night, I am. To be on a Friday night or not to be on a Friday night, that is the question.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I lost my virginity in a whorehouse. Bam! Beat that.

As an auxiliary answer, I once asked a chemotherapy patient, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?" Her response was far more rude than was called for, resulting in me calling her "a humorless cunt". From there, it really escalated.

As a tertiary answer, I will make the sacrilegious admission that I don't think the Mona Lisa is a good painting, nor do I find her smile to be particularly mysterious or compelling.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
I have always been attracted to dangerous women, so a woman with a certain degree of amorality (or "moral ambiguity", if you prefer) would be desirable. Consider Tom Ripley's wife from Ripley Under Ground and Ripley's Game: she was more than happy to help (and capable of) moving his dead bodies when he was a little sloppy. I'm not saying that I'd ever be so sloppy, but a woman willing and able to do such a thing would be a perfect match.

To put up with me, you will need a very dark and very sarcastic sense of humor. Ideally you will have, at least, a master's degree, be in shape, and agree that couples do not need to do everything together and that alone time is a valuable commodity. I should also note that I can't fuck someone whom I don't respect. Or, rather, I could, but I choose not to. So, if you don't have a good job, you're uneducated and/or you have nothing to say, it absolutely won't go anywhere. Lastly, please note that I'm a man-child in a pretty advanced state of arrested development, so things like practical jokes and sulking definitely come with the territory.