"I usually hire rabid lemurs to write these things for me, but what with the crackdowns on rabies outbreaks these days, it's getting hard to get them. Seriously though, does anyone get anything out of these things?"

That and a "say hi" type of thing is all that's been on my profile for pretty much ever, but after about three thousand quizzes, much random profile gazing, and some unexpected laughs at the sheer amount of wit on display in some people's profiles, it started to look a little...I don't know...anemic, maybe. And evey time I logged in to take a quiz and waste an hour, the woeful scarcity of information would reproach me.

"But what do I say?", I would whine to myself.

"Something witty, and bright and true- or just anything at all", I would sternly admonish my self.

But I never seemed to have anything to say, so day after day, my profile lingered on in it's shameful nakedness like some drunk guy you would see on the BART but never look at directly.

You see, the thing is: I'm shy online.

I know this makes no sense, and it's strangeness is compounded by the fact that in real life, I am possibly the least shy person on the planet.

I mean it. I talk to strangers. I smile at random people- and not just women, but old folks and babies and all. I can't even go to the store without meeting six new friends, and the words "Garroulous", "Outgoing", and even "Charming" and "Charismatic" have been bandied about quite often. It was said of me as a child that I never met a stranger, and in fact this is still true- in real life.

But for some reason, online, I am shy.

It's puzzling, really.

I have a decent command of the english language, and I'm by no means an idiot, but perhaps the reason I'm shy online is because I write exactly like I talk, and what can be fun and flirty and charming in person can in fact be a bit off-putting online, without my crooked laugh and crooked smile to sell the whole thing.

Also, I suspect I say some pretty dumb things-I told one of the only people I've written to on this site that they had a smile like a gypsy. I knew what I meant, and that it was a compliment, but I'm probably the only one. Needless to say, I have not heard back.

But it did finally occur to me that I really ought to write something, if merely to not offend the few brave souls who have bothered to write me and offer me a hearty hello, and who I have almost never replied to due to the aforementioned shy-itude (I know that's not a word, but I feel it conveys a deeper level of shy than "shyness", so shy-itude it will remain).

So this morning early I sat down and said to myself: "Self. It's time. Shy-itude or not, you absolutely have to write something in your profile."

Daunted, I replied "But what? I have absolutely nothing to say, and I can't possibly convey anything useful about my self in a few short words on screen!"

But losing patience with myself and the shy-itude, and in fact the whole darn thing, I sternly replied "Then just write any damned old thing!"

So I did. And this is it.

I am Crazy, Shiny, and Fun

Obviously, wasting it online taking quizzes.

And drinking. Lots and lots of drinking.

Occasionally, I also ponder the meaning of life, and I've been searching for enlightenment in a cracker-Jack box, but no luck so far. I've found some sweet temporary tatoos, though.

Oh, and I once found the milk of human kindness. That or that batch of cracker-jacks had gone bad somehow- I'm not 100% sure.

Being a wiseguy, and a friend. Taming rabid Lemurs is also a notable part of my skillset. Also, Knowing that while life is sometimes dangerous, difficult and distressing, it's not serious.

I would say my smile, but that doesn't convey the full effect, so I will defer to a description a friend once told me: "You always look like you know something..."

I could go on at length about books, music, movies and food- they're some of favorite things, all told. But I won't- instead I'll just say this: If you haven't read "The Count of Monte Christo" and "Breakfast with Buddha", watched "The Four Corners of Nowhere" and "Amelie", Listened to "Eels" and "Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers", and eaten Mongolian BBQ and asada burritos from a Mercadito washed down with ice cold mexican beer, then you still have some living to do.

Get on it right away.

Good food, good friends, good sex, good music, good books, and just plain good.

The nature of thinking. It's circular, I know, but strangely fufilling.

The last place you'd expect to find me, of course. Or the first, depending on how weird you are.

My life's an open book, so there's not much private to admit. Maybe I'll think of something later on though- who can say?

Oh, wait, does the fact that I almost never shut up when not actually listening to someone else speak count as private? Probably not- I'm guessing that's already become obvious from the sheer verbosity of this profile.

Oh, I know- I have a great vocabulary yet still regularly use the word "dude". Also, I think referring to a woman as a "classy broad", or "kickass chick" is an excellent compliment. I know better, but somehow I still think so.

1) You're awake and chatty late at night.
2) You enjoy chatting with weird late-night type people (I am a daysleeper, and though I know it's making me strange(er), I still love it).
3) Obscure pop-culture references make your day.
4) You've run out of snark and need to borrow a cup or two.
And last but very much not the least:
5) You are unlikely to suffer from sarchasm. (No, that's neither a typo nor a mispelling- look it up in the urban dictionary if you don't believe me).
6) You're in on the joke, too.