Are you an adult? Is that how you see yourself? Is it how you want to be seen, just another anonymous worker wandering through life with no real motivation? Not me, I want something more. I may never get that, but when I die I will know that I at least tried.

Christmas is almost upon us, unless you celebrate some other similar yet different holiday that involves latkes and dreidels. This time of year is usually one of blacks and whites. Either you love it or you don't. Most people fit into those two camps, simply because we really are all a part of a consumer driven society and we fucking love gifts. Being perpetually unemployed, it means books from the family to help me keep a firm hold on my sanity. I've had a lot of issues with this time of year though.

Lost two friends both in December. Another died around Valentine's day, which is one of those winter follow-up holidays. Got a lot of issues with this time, you know? It was a little better last year because I had the girlfriend to lean on. If you know me personally, you know that she ruined that option this year. Not to sound co-dependent or needy, but I tend to genuinely need someone around to remind me not to crawl back into the bottle. I often joke about my problems because I prefer to laugh about them rather than cry. It's significantly more difficult to avoid the bottle when a member of my family is keeping a bottle for herself and I have complete access to it at any time.

I'm not sure where I was going with any of this. Just writing this bollocks out maybe? Might help me sort the mess out in my head. Trying to focus of the art again, hoping it'll be enough. I'll write another entry at some point. If I don't and just generally disappear, don't worry about a thing. I'm probably just drinking myself into one of those awesome comas I hear people talking about all the time.

Later days.

It's been a sizable amount of time since my last post. I feel I've grown a fair bit since the whole mass of drama from earlier in the year. My mind is in a better place and I generally feel more mellow. This may be resultant to my newish hobby that keeps me in a more relaxed state of mind. Who really knows though. Maybe I just won some sort of karma lottery after that crapfest. It'd be nice to win an actual lottery, then maybe I could take care of the 'rents.

I did take some time off for a few weeks to reconnect to who I am at my core, something I have long put off doing. I was always too afraid of what I'd find. Ultimately, what I did find wasn't what I feared I would. A fact that makes moving on with another person a more plausible thing than it once was. I don't know if I am ready to fall in love again. All I really know is that I am ready to live again, because being dead just isn't as restful as it seems to be.

Been out of commission for a bit. Strep throat kicked my ass and left me bleeding on the ground. I'm finally well enough to be allowed out of bed, so here I am. I hate getting sick.

Figured some blanks should be filled, so I'll try to fill them. One of my best friends died of heart failure recently. I felt more alone than I have ever felt. This was deeply troubling, as I was supposed to be in a relationship. Not long after, I got dumped. I felt pretty numb about this until today when I basically had a breakdown in the middle of the grocery store. All in all, it's been a lot of fun.

I'd say something bitter about my now ex-girlfriend, but I won't. She didn't love me, life goes on. I just wish her timing had been better. At least I got months of happy feelings. Granted, those same memories have left me in a rather fucked state, but such is life.

Keep smiling, even when you cry.

Fighting keeps getting harder.

I am leaning towards giving up.

Stay tuned for the evening news.

Loose thoughts can drive you insane. Mr. Harding told me that. Told me I should always write them down. So, when they do their worst, I vomit them out via my keyboard. You have been warned.

I don't feel well. Although I have felt far worse. At least I don't have a headache. I loathe headaches. My hands are cold. I miss Nicki. Thing says she's online, but she's probably not. Bollocks. I wants to scream a bit. Fuck that, I need to scream. I would too but I'd get shot. I really don't want to get shot. Nicki, Nicki, Nicki. Shut up, brain. Maybe I should sleep? Can't sleep. Too tired to sleep.

Time to bugger off.

Sometimes it is just hard to wake up.

I know I need to get up, that I have shit to do. Despite my body not wanting, I somehow manage. I look at my life and I know it's nothing special. But it could be so much worse, or at the very least this is what I keep telling myself. It's difficult to do on occasion because all I can think about is that I'm not pulling in a steady paycheck.

That makes me worry.

Of course, many things make me worry, really. But I worry about money because I want to take care of the girl I love. I want her to look at me and not see the same thing I see. And I know she doesn't, because she wasn't there for the dark bits like I was. It's just that I fear one day I'm going to wake up and find that she's realized hat I'm really not worth the effort.

So I come here and I write this shite out so it isn't driving me quite so insane. Sometimes it even works. I feel dizzy, so I'm going to go lay down now.

You know what really sucks? Sitting alone wondering whether someone who your haven't talked to in a few days is alright. You're wondering this because the last time you spoke to her she was crying. People tend to do bad things when they are in that state. You know she wouldn't do things like that. So, you call her. She doesn't answer. You keep yourself from punching anything.

An hour or so later, you call again, sure that she should be there to answer by now. Still no answer. Your hand is now red from punching your desk and it looks like it may bleed if you do it again.

You are going to remind yourself not to punch it again.

Of course, you can't help but remember someone else disappearing on you. Feeling like you couldn't do anything. Because you couldn't. You can't pop right over and check on her. You can't ask her roommate how she is doing. Because you don't know her roommate and she's away at school and you feel useless.

At least I'm not drinking.

I may be leaving you all very soon. I have this rather horrid feeling that soon this place will just serve as a reminder of heartache, because writing certainly appearing to be showing on the wall. If the ill events that I expect to transpire do in fact transpire, I will be saying goodbye to you, my friends. So, now if you notice that I am gone from this site, at least now you'll know why.

Later days.