Just look at the nightmarish creature the 'personality' tab on my profile describes. Look at it. I've somehow convinced OKCupid that I'm a sexually deviant, amoral slob. I'm nice. Really.

I have two black kitties and spend most days coming up with spontaneous Cat Raps about them and their activities. One notable one today was heavily influenced by LL Cool J and included the line "Don't call me a fluff cat/I been puffed for years."

I also make public appearances as the Toxic Avenger and Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D. I've been to far too many horror conventions. I've watched Michael Berryman do his laundry and I think I was hit on by Udo Kier (he mistook me for a wolf.)

I bought a Slap-Chop, but lost in in the move from NYC.

I often suspect I'm being a creep, but I'm usually wrong.

I'm currently engaged, but there's this whole swinger thing that we are trying. This is new, and I have no idea what I'm doing, so I've got that going for me. I'm a fun date, mostly looking for friends who might possibly, occasionally find me temporarily irresistible and retire with me to the boudoir.

I like to ride my bike around town and stuff my face with edibles. I work remotely for a company back in NYC. I'm also landlord in a decrepit manse, and spent a lot of time feebly haggling with contractors. I hate haggling.

I occasionally write a movie script. They haven't gotten made, yet.

% in Lair: 80%

Enduring sweaty rubber masks. Avoiding shellfish. Loving 'Robocop'. Avoiding shame. (No matter what horrible thing I'm actually doing.)

Spring/summer/fall answer: short shorts. Winter: I am shivering.

Authors: Rupert Thomson, Jack Vance, Charles Fort, H. P. Lovecraft

Filmmakers: Lloyd Kaufman, Abel Ferrara, William Lustig, Frank Henenlotter, Soavi, Drago Floyd (What is it...17 years since Troll 2?)

Movies: The Toxic Avenger, Robocop, Dirty Harry, Class of Nuke'Em High, Demons, Demons 2, Bad Taste, Frankenhooker, Ms. 45, The Church, innumerable others.

Music: Manowar, The Meatmen, classic electro-funk, World Class Wreckin' Crew, mashups, bleeps and bloops, WFMU, Andrew W. K., 2 Live Crew, Blowfly, The Mantors, sine waves

I like music that demands a visceral reaction.

Food: the 1.75 liter plastic jug of Long Island Iced Tea Mix, falafel, dried cranberries, pork tenderloin, duck breast with apples, breakfast cereal, Ovaltine

computers, my increasingly deranged rogue's gallery of friends, my sticker-covered bicycle, a big dumb house, my fiancée (who is on here somewhere, too), and my monstrous kitties Leviathan and Timmy.

- what things taste like to animals.

- what babies have nightmares about.

- wtf was the previous owner of my house thinking? Is that a booby trap?

On a bus to some stupid horror movie or comic book convention even though I don't particularly like either of those things. Or plugging holes in my house. Or playing Battletops.

I probably ranged over this territory already.

You have difficulty feeling embarrassment.
You crave the company of an ersatz Bradley Cooper. Or a bearded Eddie Deezen.