I have a black cat with secret stripes. By day I'm a mild-mannered, woefully underpaid public servant. By night I am a stand up comedian and can be seen riding my Triumph. I love to read, play scrabble, complete crossword puzzles, listen to music, write music, play music, hang out in dive bars in the Park of North, walk my dog, work on the house I just bought, mock people openly without them realizing it, and I'm really into charity. I have four albums out: 1 where I played bass in a band, 1 serious solo record, 1 serious duet acoustic album and 1 live comedy album I write poems and short stories and would one day like to tackle a book. I'm quite smart and don't get along well with guys who like their girls to be dumber than they are. I'm fairly cynical but eternally optimistic despite my love of bands like The Cure and The Smiths. I like love. I like sex. I like public displays of affection (as long as you're not ugly). I like making people laugh and I like people who can make me laugh. I have a best friend and she has a daughter and that's my family. I don't stop thinking. I bite my nails. I love debate, and have no problem playing devil's advocate; even with issues I'm adamant about. I like philosophy. I like astronomy and I love watching meteor showers in the middle of nowhere. I like chickens. I'm a member of Mensa. I love freshly made guacamole, wine tasting, prime beef and I often wonder why we no longer use Oxford commas. I've been known to steal baby jesuses from plastic, front yard nativity scenes only to return them on Easter. I'm good with money when I have it. I don't like marijuana. I do like beer. I am from Cleveland originally and I love San Diego, although there are some things I don't like about the natives. I voted for Obama. I have tattoos. If you believe in God, I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I went to Catholic school. I don't like liars. I like tall people. I love Mitch Hedberg and Steve Martin. I just want to entertain you.

I am obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant

Shenanigans. Shenanigans, I tell you.

I'm omniscient and omnipresent, so don't try to pull any shitbrick moves. I'm especially good at things.

The ever-changing hair. My huge, green eyes. The guitar attached to my body.

Movies: Napoleon Dynamite, The Disorderlies, Armed and Dangerous, Better off Dead, One Crazy Summer, Summer School, Caddyshack, Trading Places, Airplane, Ferris Beuller's Day Off, The Sting, El Dorado, The Hustler, Holiday Inn, The Sons of Katie Elder. A Clockwork Orange. Edward Scissorhands.

Books: all of them. My favorites are The Little Prince and Illusions: Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah (Richard Bach). Mostly a Gore Vidal reader, but I enjoy a Jon Stewart essay or Steve Martin book just as well.

Music: (add "the" where necessary, except to "the the", because that would just be silly): Cure, Smiths, Duran Duran, The The, Elliot Smith, Jeff Buckley, Rolling Stones, Cake, Bloodhound Gang, Weezer, Kate Bush, Bush, They Might Be Giants, Flaming Lips and many, many more. I would also like to give a shout out to my local homies; Buzzkill Romantics, Blizzard, yours truly's Velvet Tongue, The Displaced, The Q, Spell Toronto, Bad Credit, Reeve Oliver, Jenn Grinels, Curtis Peoples, The Biddy Bums (don't add another "the" to the Biddy Bums), Channing Cope, A Beautiful Noise, Secret Apollo, Japanese Sunday, Buckfast Superbee, Anya Marina, Emery Bird, Emerson Band, Yovee, Evervess, The Afterparty, Hot Like (A)Robot, Waterline Drift, Campaign for Quite, Scarlet Symphony, Divided by Zero and all the other bands that we've played with but I forgot to mention and I'm getting tired sorry.

Sonya (my best friend)
Liliana (my best friend's daughter)
Comedy
Music
Charity
Pencils (I like Pencils)

My dissertation. Organizing benefit concerts. Helping Veterans. Opening for Flight of the Conchords. My goddaughter. What kind of Cheerios they'll come out with next. Writing my next bawdy song and where I'm going to play it next. When the pencil sharpener I ordered for work will arrive. UPDATE: The pencil sharpener has arrived.

Playing a show, at a show, at a bar or in the studio, but only after my four mile walk with Sonya. I might also be doing something other than the aforementioned list of things. These things I do are subject to change at my discretion.

I like to dress in womens' clothes.

You like a girl who has Doctoral Degree, Tattoos, a guitar and a secret life as a comedic musician who also works for the federal government and runs a non-profit. If you are a liar (which is the same thing as not being honest), don't even bother. If you think John Hughes was the voice of a generation. If you can handle commitment. If you'll go kayaking with me. If you don't mind that Sonya will always be my best friend.