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33 F Hayward, CA

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 7:34pm
Pacific Islander, White
5′ 6″ (1.68m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Cancer, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Open relationship
Relationship Type
Strictly non-monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes cats
English (Fluently), French (Okay), Esperanto (Okay), C++ (Okay)

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm a playful and witty but introverted philosopher/math geek who somehow manages to find eirself in some fairly surprising situations with ever-increasing frequency. I sing (usually alto, but can manage tenor or soprano on a good day), dance (all kinds), play several instruments in a very dilettantish fashion, and am finding more and more people these days who think I'm neat. This is a very welcome change from my teenage years.

My relationship structure tends toward the nebulous -- I can't always define who I'm romantically involved with and who I'm not, and the great thing about being poly is that I don't have to. I've been in some nonzero number of relationships for most of my adult life, but haven't yet found a long-term "primary" partner. I'd like to have one, but that's something that really can't be forced; I meet very few people I'd want to try having that kind of partnership with, but plenty of people with whom I'm happy to engage in semi-serious short- to medium-term relationships.

It's hard to define what I look for in a friend or a partner, except to say that it largely involves high levels of what one might call mutual grokkage -- the more someone can finish my sentences, the more I like them. But other factors that help are geekery, compassion, and a certain appreciation for the ridiculous. And in a really serious relationship, probably the best trait a partner can have is a deep love of dissecting their own and other people's thought processes -- I highly value people who can help me understand myself better, and I love doing the same for them.

Oh, and my profile photos have recently been rendered somewhat out of date. Having hair down to my waist was fun for a while, but after a couple of decades I started to feel it was time for a change. I'll try and put up new photos once I acquire any good ones, but for now, suffice it to say that I'm suddenly getting called "sir" by sufficiently distracted store clerks...which is fucking awesome. (And that should tell you even more about me than the haircut does.)
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Currently, learning computer science, because apparently in this economy you have to be good at that to bus tables, let alone to be a tech writer (which I'm also trained as). Fortunately, so far it seems I like coding. Let's hope that lasts.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
...writing, but mostly only academic-type writing. Though I am working on that (see "tech writing certificate" above), I still don't imagine I'll ever be any good at writing fiction.

...punning. Starting a pun war with me can be a dangerous thing--especially if you were planning to go anywhere any time soon.

...spelling. I can correctly spell just about any word I've ever seen written and many that I haven't, with the only exceptions being highly technical terms, words with multiple double letters, and certain exceptions to the i-before-e rules. But I'm rather glad of the auto-spellcheck feature on most of the programs I use, simply because I'd never bother to use spellcheck otherwise, and then I'd miss a lot more typos.

(Incidentally, Firefox apparently doesn't think "spellcheck" is a word.)

...mental arithmetic. Interestingly, this trait seems to be independent of math geekery in general, so I guess I'm lucky to have both.

...being feline, in a way that tends to make people go "awwwww" a lot. But I try to save that for people I've had time to get to know a bit, so I don't lose all chance of being taken seriously from the get-go.

...speed-reading. Also, reading upside down, backwards, and sideways. While packing for a move I discovered, through much leaning over to label the far sides of boxes, that I'm not bad at writing upside down and sideways either.

...manipulating things with my toes. This is especially handy for picking up pieces of clothing that have fallen behind the couch...but unfastening people's trousers (belts too) with my toes is a much better party trick. And then there are the things I can unfasten with my teeth....

...low-drama breakups. I'm still friends or at least friendly with most of the people I've dated, and I like to date people who can say the same.

...deadpan delivery. Enough that it's been known to get me into trouble. These days I try to be aware of who's likely to take me seriously when I don't mean them to, but I learned the necessity for that the hard way. At least it made for some amusing stories.

...debating ideas. I like playing devil's advocate, but I'm not one of those folks who'll do it just to piss people off. Admittedly, I used to piss people off inadvertently by poking too hard at their sacred cows, but I've acquired a modicum of tact since then.

...crafting and then picking apart metaphors and analogies. Metaphor is pretty much how we understand the world, but that also makes it vital to be able to tell how far you can stretch your metaphors before they snap. I find almost anything is a lot easier to understand once I can say "it's a lot like this other thing, except for x and y and z and maybe also q oh and dear gods don't forget p."

...procrastinating. Oh, the all-nighters I've pulled, and the last-minute feats I've accomplished. Ask me (once we've been chatting a little) about the time I drafted a biology paper while performing in a concert, or the time I put together a presentation during the ten minutes between classes, or the time I frantically dashed off part of a speech and managed to give the impression I'd not only written a whole one, but done it weeks ago.

...word puzzles and cryptic crosswords (composing as well as solving). I play with letters like I play with numbers; both are addictive.

...Set, and apparently Zendo. I rock the pattern recognition. But then again, I like deductive games like Mastermind just as much as inductive games like Zendo. I'm also all about the logic puzzles.

...singing, by most people's standards -- perhaps not by the standards of people who actually have any training, but hopefully that will change now that I'm acquiring some training myself. Meanwhile, I love me some karaoke...but I will sing along to just about any song I know whether I'm on a stage or not. Be warned.

...memorizing music. Really helps with the above. I'm a lousy sight-singer (though I'm working on that too), but let me listen to a short piece once or twice--three or four times if it's real tricky--and I've got it.

...learning new dance steps. I've gotten pretty good at Irish ceili and Victorian-style ballroom over the years, and picked up the rudiments of a few other styles as well. Now what I really need is to get more confidence as a lead.

...finding innuendo in everything. Really, this is a subset of the wordplay skill, combined with the fact that my sense of humor runs the gamut from wry sophistication to twelve-year-old sniggering.

...and finally, adding characters to my profile in the hopeless quest for more "completeness" mfnalivhn3eohfsdjnkjghkzad...

On the other hand, I'm really bad at

...getting rid of shit. It seems like a sin to throw away anything that I might conceivably need someday -- and unfortunately, I can conceive an awful lot of things. But during my last move I did manage to jettison some furniture and about a bookcase's worth of books...although somehow my library still won't fit onto one fewer bookcase.

...sorting through data. I can conceive a lot of things, but figuring out which things are plausible or relevant is the hard part. Too many options and I get paralyzed real quick.

...sleeping. Whee sleep disorders.

...small talk. Have yet to get the hang of it, and more importantly have yet to overcome the screaming heebie-jeebies it induces.

...keeping in touch with relatives. I never know what to say to people I'm not close with who want to know what I'm up to.

...regulating my body temperature. Poor circulation is probably a factor in that, and being kinda thin is probably another factor. It's frustrating any way you slice it, though.

...flirting with women. Partly due to relative dearth of experience, partly due to a surprisingly intense fear of being over-aggressive, and partly due to the fact that most of the women I know seem to already be beating suitors off with a stick and therefore, I'm certain, must have found it necessary by now to set their standards higher than I could possibly hope to meet. (Uh-huh.)
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I used to figure I was pretty safe in assuming it was the unholy masses of hair. (My profile pictures don't quite do it justice; at its longest, it was probably a foot longer than it appears to be in those.) But now that I'm minus the hair, I suppose I'll have to start paying closer attention to what else people seem to be noticing.

I've been told I have a unique style, which surprises me somewhat, as I don't think of t-shirts and business-casual-type trousers as being all that creative a fashion choice. Apparently it's the pairing of them that's unusual er somethin. Or maybe it's the fact that they're mostly black (is there such a thing as an "apathetic goth"?) Or maybe it's the non-girliness of them.

I also get mistaken a lot for people I've never met, by people I've never met. I can only conclude that I have an awful lot of
doppelgangers running around, and that we all have some sort of mutual repulsion property to ensure that we never meet each other -- 'cause personally, I've never met anyone who I think looks the slightest bit like me, 'cept maybe my parents.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Ah, the "lists to make your eyes glaze over" section. I'll tell ya right now, if this part of your profile has more than about half as many commas (or periods or semicolons or carriage returns) in it as words, I won't have given it more than a five-second skim. For my part, rather than list random items I will try to actually describe my tastes in a coherent fashion, challenging though that may be:

I mostly read fantasy and SF (real shocker, I know) and particularly dig the kind of fiction that makes me Think Deep Thoughts about Life 'n' Stuff; Greg Egan is one really brain-pokey author I adore. However, I also have my fluffy guilty-pleasure sorts of reading; I spent way too much time geeking out about Harry Potter while the series was being published, and can still rant about the last two books at more length than you could probably stand. My nonfiction reading is mostly on linguistics-, psychology-, and cog-sci-related topics (though admittedly that's a rather broad category). If I can't be the next Bertrand Russell, I at least wanna be the next Douglas Hofstadter.

I dig movies that make me think Deep Thoughts as well, but prefer them to be more comedic than tragic. Come to think of it, the comedy usually wins out; most of my favorite movies are simply funny, with perhaps a dash of charming thrown in. I ♥ Huckabees, though, did an awesome job of conveying some seriously deep truth amidst the madcap silliness.

(Addendum: I liked Amélie just fine, but I am a little baffled as to why it seems to be everyone's favorite movie. Whatever happened to The Princess Bride, folks? Sheesh.)

I don't watch much TV these days; I got rid of my set years ago and never have missed it. TV, like movies, seems to have become primarily a social activity for me, and to some extent perhaps it always was; as a kid, I watched a fair number of shows because my friends were keeping up with them too. (My other motivation for a lot of my TV-watching was boredom, and lately the Internet's done a pretty good job of filling that gap.)

However, it certainly wasn't only for social reasons that I enjoyed the time I spent watching Law & Order with my dad or The Simpsons with my college friends, just as it's not only for social reasons that I watch shows like Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones with my friends now. And although I haven't actually sat down and watched Jeopardy! in years, I have auditioned for it a few times. (Successfully, as it happens -- but it turns out that passing the audition still doesn't guarantee you a spot on the show, and so far luck has been against me.)

And now it occurs to me that "shows" can also refer to theatrical productions. I do like seeing live theater whenever I can swing it, but as with movies, I generally prefer my plays to be comical, musical, or ideally both. Although I don't have a "bucket list" for my life as a whole, I have made it a vague sort of goal to see every one of the Savoy operas performed at least once before I die...but I've been pursuing this goal in a very leisurely fashion, passing up a lot of productions at least partly because I just couldn't think of a suitable friend to drag along when the shows rolled around. (See above re: entertainment consumption as social activity.) I'm not fussed; with at least three performing companies here in the area, I figure they'll nearly all come around again eventually. Meanwhile, I take in other plays, musicals, and operas on a similarly opportunistic basis, and get together with friends for the occasional Shakespeare read-aloud. My favorite non-musical play, though, has got to be The Importance of Being Earnest. (Kind of an ironic title, since it's Wilde's best play pretty much because it's the only one that doesn't try to be the least bit serious.)

My musical tastes are the sort I'm tempted to describe as eclectic even though they're probably not any more so than anyone else's. I've done a fair bit of classical choral singing, but am also a fan of 80's New Wave and 90's alt-rock; I also have a weakness for covers, mashups, and anything that involves a wild juxtaposition of musical styles; and finally, Celtic music (including Celtic fusion) will nearly always get me dancing.

I am also an erstwhile percussionist who never practiced enough to get all that good at it. My favorite instrument to listen to (although I've never had the chance to play it) is probably the steel drum, but that might change if I were forced to listen to it incessantly. I am also enamored of the kettledrums, and am quite likely to break into air tympani when someone throws on a piece like Beethoven's Ninth. (Though Bohemian Rhapsody arguably elicits even more entertaining choreography, as I slide from air guitar to air drums to air piano.) Currently I own a set of bongos, a kobassa, a pennywhistle or two, a harmonica, a miniature accordion, and a low-end Yamaha keyboard, and if you put just about any other instrument in my hands I will probably figure out how to play a few bars of some non-trivial song on it in five to ten minutes -- but there's no predicting which song. (Also, I define "instrument" quite loosely. When I was a kid, we had a wire egg-slicer on which I discovered I could pick out several tunes.) And I seem to get better at Rock Band every time I get the chance to play it; most recently, I discovered that singing while playing keyboard ain't much harder than just playing keyboard, if I'm familiar with the vocals going in.

(On the subject of vocal music, incidentally, I should confess that singing a duet with someone I'm already hot for can be better than sex. It's gotta be an actual duet, though, with harmony and everything.)

My food tastes are both broad and narrow; I'm somewhat picky about what I eat, but can usually find something I like at almost any kind of restaurant (and after over a decade in the Bay Area, I've been to an awful lot of kinds of restaurants). Only thing is, I have a wheat allergy that can really be a problem sometimes.

I guess I do have favorite cuisines, though: sushi I have a sort of complicated love for, and I have to be in the right mood to eat it, but Thai or Indian I'm pretty much always in the mood for. And my relationship with Mexican food is another slightly complicated one, but when I want to grab something light or cheap, carnitas tacos will almost always hit the spot.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Assuming that this question is intended in a metaphorical sense, because otherwise the answer would be horribly tedious: the things I would vastly prefer not to do without are....

...books. I'd go spare if I didn't have anything to read. Reading is how I wind down at the end of the day, how I spend lazy afternoons--hell, it's even a date activity. And hand in hand with reading comes learning; I never ever want to run out of new ideas to ponder. I've come to realize lately that music is somewhat of a religion for me; really good music, especially when I'm helping to make it, produces feelings that are the closest I've ever come to a spiritual trance, and I can't imagine not having a background track of music running through my head at nearly any time.

...cats. Granted, I generate a fair amount of feline energy myself and so do some of the people I'm closest to, but that's not a complete substitute for having actual four-footed purr-balls around the house. They do come with complications, though, so I'm still trying to figure out if I ever want to be the sole owner of any.

...cuddling and other forms of affectionate touch. I didn't use to realize how much I needed these, because I was so used to going without them that it didn't occur to me that anything was missing. I've learned better now. It's amazing how comforting just holding hands can be.

...intellectual companionship. Books are great, but they're no substitute for having real live people to bounce ideas off of. My thoughts fall into place so much quicker when I try to explain them to someone else who turns out to have just the right words for that part I couldn't quite get at yet.

...sensory experience. A lot of people say they're addicted to sensation, but I have the opposite problem; as you might guess from the above paragraphs, I'm too apt to spend all my time thinking and ignore the outside world, and that really isn't healthy for me. That's where activities like dancing come in; they give me the much-needed opportunity to get outside my head and focus on my body for once.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
What the hell I'm doing with my life, and how I operate in general. And what I'm doing with various other people, and how they operate, and all the things I'd like to do with them that I haven't yet. *ahem*

And my past, in detail, and my future, in somewhat fuzzier detail.

And just why it was I liked that one book but didn't like that other one, and what I would say (at length) to either the characters or the author if I met them.

And that interesting little tidbit of combinatorics or number theory that I've just got to prove to myself even though I'm sure I could find half a dozen proofs online in a moment.

And that bit in that one piece of music that goes like this and then like that and holy fuck it's so gorgeous I could cry. And dammit why can't I have like ten voices so I could wallow in that piece whenever I want without having to dig up a recording.

(Values of "that one piece of music," in case you're curious, include such works as Brahms' Requiem, Allegri's Miserere, Biebl's Ave Maria, and, well...other things.)

And that thing that reminds me of that other thing, which reminds me of that other thing, which reminds me of...wait, what was I thinking about five minutes ago?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
"Snowflakes in the air
interspersed with cedar sparks:
typical August."

"No. No day is typical
and every day is august."
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My gender identity, as the sufficiently perceptive reader may've gathered by now, is...complicated. Genderqueer is the best descriptive term I've come up with so far; basically I'm growing steadily less content with being perceived as female all the time, but am still trying to figure out just how I do want to be perceived and what the best way is to make that happen, given that I don't think I want to be perceived as male all the time either. While I work this out, though, anyone who successfully avoids tagging me with female pronouns at least some of the time will have my gratitude.

However, I'm not comfortable trying to explain more about this in online conversation with people I don't know well--it's just not the ideal medium for conveying things about myself I'm not even sure I understand yet. If you want to know more, I'm afraid you'll have to wait till we get to know each other a little better.

(So far this has affected my dating life less than you might think; I seem to still date an almost disturbing number of hetero cis dudes. I'd kinda like more queer and gender-variant folks in my life, but there just aren't as many of those in existence to begin with.)
I’m looking for
  • Guys and girls who like bi girls
  • Ages 24–45
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.'re really optimistic?

To be honest, right now I'm less in the mood than I used to be for the whole getting-to-know-people-online dance, albeit mostly because it turns out I really am lousy at following through with it. So, in a much smaller nutshell than used to occupy this space:

1) If we've already met in meatspace, go ahead and drop me a line if you wanna talk. That's one thing I've found this site is good for: providing a point of contact with people I might not have enough chance to talk with elsewhere. If we already know each other socially, I'll be more motivated to write back to you, and it'll be a lot easier for me to decide if I'm interested in hanging out, going on a date, or anything else you might propose.

2) If we've talked here before, feel free to pick our conversation back up if it seemed to be going well at the time. Maybe I just forgot to get back to you, or maybe you just forgot to get back to me; in the former case I don't mind being poked, and in the latter case I'm likely to be forgiving. ('Fraid I can't guarantee the conversation won't trail off again, though; I meant it when I said my follow-through is lousy with non-meatspace acquaintances.)

3) If I don't know you from Adam, I'm afraid you're at a disadvantage. If you've just got a quick question, I might answer it, but a getting-to-know-you sort of conversation may be beyond my energy. In any case, I definitely won't bother trying unless you're a Bay Area local with whom I'm at least a 90% match.

If you do fit those criteria, here are some random topics that might actually inspire me, provided you have something to say about them yourself and don't just want me to tell you about them:

* Linguistics. I'm only an armchair linguist myself, but I can hold my own with any non-expert when it comes to geeking out about word origins and language evolution, and I'm happy to learn more from experts as well.
* Great roleplaying experiences. Not so much the orc-slaying kind as the creative problem-solving kind or (even better) the really-getting-in-character kind.
* Any of the authors, shows, or movies listed in the relevant section above. Do you have Opinions about them? Do you want to hear mine?

If you don't have anything to say about those and you still want to make a bid for my attention, tell me your favorite word, favorite mathematical constant, favorite geometric solid, or favorite thing in some other category that isn't listed in the "favorites" section above. (Write whatever else you want in addition, but please do include that part so's I know you bothered to read this.) I may still ignore your message, but at least you'll know it's 'cause I couldn't get up the energy to reply and not 'cause I think you're a tool er anything. If I'm not feeling low on motivation, I'll reply to the extent I can think of anything to say, but I make no promises as to how things'll go from there. (See above re: follow-through.)

...One last thing that might motivate me a bit more, though, is if you've got a social event to invite me to. It's hard to commit the energy to going on a date with someone I don't know well (and hard to commit the energy to trying to get to know them online first), but sometimes easier to commit the energy to going someplace where I can meet multiple people who might all be cool. So let me know if you're throwing a party or something, and I'll think seriously about attending.